Potty training, Von Willebands, and so much more galore!

I would first like to state that for anyone who read my last post I was very much defeated at that moment.  There has been a ton of stress with this pregnancy and this part of our lives in general.  I think as a human I am allowed to have a little break down every once in a while.  Moving on.

Lets first begin with Von Willebands! (and no I did not just make that up)  My daughter has been diagnosed with this crazy sounding thing and I am about to be test for it myself since my husband has tested negative.  What is it you may be asking?  A blood clotting disorder where you blood does not clot probably.  Its not too big of a worry for bleeding if you are say punched in the arm, however get punched in the head and you may be bleeding from every available hole in your head (basically I'm saying you have to worry about excessive bleeding from head injuries, not body).  It is possible for me to test negative for this (and I know my husband will then suddenly decide if he test negative again that we must get a DNA test on our child since its passed from parent to child) because I am pregnant.  Pregnancy can actually cause things that are wrong in your body to work properly.  Hopefully I do test negative right now since I just read that testing positive can mean I have type 2 or 3 which is bad.  I will obviously be tested again if this happens after I have our little Bean and more then likely I will test positive, though there is still a small chance that neither I nor my husband have it.  No no I did not cheat and Monkey is 100% his (the proof is in the child) but I did just read that since this is a gene mutation it's possible that her gene mutated without us passing anything to her.  Its why any family can get this disorder.  I found that interesting.  Had I read this two days ago I would have been jumping for joy and throwing it in his face that I was right all along I do not have it!  However, that past two days I have had a nose bleed first thing in morning.  Frequent nose bleeds are a symptom.  From the time I was born all the way up until I turned 9 I would have crazy nose bleeds.  My mother would come into my room when I was a baby to find me a sleep in a crib full of dried blood.  As I got older they got worse to the point of blood clots as long as worms coming out of my nose.  That is when I got my nose cauterized.  Up until two days ago I never had a nose bleed again.  Needless to say when I did I freaked out.  I also have one more symptom, easy bruising, but I am fair skinned which is what I always lammed it on to begin with.  What honestly bothers me and I have been tested for another blood clotting disorder called Factor 5.  Its when your blood over clots basically.  That came back negative but shouldn't it have shown that I was going in the other direction?  It just bothers me.  Anyways, it looks like Monkey and I are doomed to be bleeders and little Bean will have to be tested as well.

Well as in most families money is always an issue and worry.  Cloth diapers were something I decided to give a try when Monkey turned one.  I was in no true rush for potty training, but also figured we'd give it a try around 15 months.  Anyways, everything was going great with the cloth diapers and I was actually enjoying them until the pregnancy hormones kicked in.  If Monkey had a poopy diaper I found I was trying my hardest not to vomit all over the place while changing her.  So sadly we went back to diapers.  Then our money issues made me go back to cloth (thankfully her poop no longer bothered me).  The second day shes back in cloth she gets a horrible diaper rash, and I mean horrible.  She was crying if she sat down, she screamed blood murder while I wiped her butt, it was aweful.  I felt so horrible.  I had her daddy put her straight in a warm bath and it seemed to instantly soothe her very red bottom.  I found a few left over diapers (about 5) and knew with as bad as her butt was they wouldnt last us threw the healing.  I couldnt use the diaper rash cream we had on her with our cloth diapers so I came up with the best option.  "Tomorrow we start potty training" I said to my husband.  He was going to be off work for a few more days so it seemed like the perfect time.  We have not looked back since.  Now she wears two cloth diapers a day.  One for nap time and one for bedtime, otherwise she is naked from the waist down (while at home anyways).  She has done very well so far.  She doesnt even tell us she has to go, just goes and sits on her potty then jumps and says "I pee pee!"  or in today's case "I poop poop!".  And believe me that last one was a miracle.  She has peed on our carpet a lot obviously and I have already steam cleaned our carpets once, but after about 4 or 5 days she mainly peed in the potty.  Pooping however...it has been a fight since day one.  Kid would sit and scream on the potty while she pooped.  For some reason it freaked her out.  She even held it some times until we put a diaper on her.  She has also pooped on the floor...a lot and funny enough almost always on daddy's watch.  The one time she did it on my watch I was in the kitchen.  My husband goes crazy when she poops on the floor.  He covers the "infected area" with cleaner then pulls out the steam cleaner and goes over the spot 20 times before he finally feels like it is safe her human contact again.  I dont mind it, I just wish he would go that crazy when she poops in the potty.  He dumps out the poop and doesnt even wash out the potty.  Drives me mad.  Anyways I was half asleep on the couch when I heard my dear sweet Monkey jump and say "I poop poop!"  Thinking she peed and possibly passed some gas (making her think she pooped) I got up and looked.  Sure enough she had pooped and peed all on her own.  I was so happy.  We went straight to the bathroom and flushed it all down the potty (she loves to flush).  Not only was this a huge step for her, but it was also a wonderful relief to know she wasnt back tracking since yesterday she decided to only pee on the floor (which means I have to pull out the steam cleaner today).  The day before she was in a pull up since we were out and about.  She did wonderful, not one accident (until nap time).  If I asked her if she needed to pee she would say yes and off to the potty we would go.  She even told me once that she had to go.  I was so very proud.  I would like her to be in panties by Christmas ( as cute as her naked butt is I think she may need to have some type of coverage for being around family).  I was planning on starting the panties training earlier this week, but now I think it will have to wait until next Friday.  We just have too much going on with appointments.  My kid is very smart and catches on so fast, so I think we'll be able to get the panties training down in no time (I pray anyways).  We also tried to ditch one side of the railing on her crib...she fell out twice but that wasnt our problem.  Our problem was her waking up at 7 (still being very tired) refusing to go back to bed and then only taking an hour nap when we knew she need 2 hours or more (since she got up so early in the morning).  We put the railing back on and her naps have gone back to 2 hours and she is staying asleep til 8 unless daddy is too loud in the morning.  Though I wish she would sleep til 9 like the old days, I am still thankfully to get my sleep back.

There is still much more I could write about but my belly is growling as I am sure Monkey's is too.  I think we shall eat some lunch and then I will get to work on my pee stained carpets.

I am defeated.

I have never considered myself a failure until today.  I have always thought that not only would there be a silver lining but that I had also tried my hardest at whatever it was I had done.  Today however I do not feel this way.  I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do not see how I have done my best at providing a good life for my child.  All I see is failure.  I can not see how to even fix this.  Working isnt an option during the week since I have no one to watch my child for free.  Leaving her alone with my broken husband on the weekends doesnt seem like a workable plan since he is not even suppose to lift her and is easy frustrated by her.  It is not that I cant feed my daughter, or pay my pills.  I can do both.  I can provide food and shelter for her and her soon to be sister, but that is where the line is drawn.  I can not provide clothes (though thankfully for now both of my girls will be clothed since one never seems to grow and the other will have her sisters baby clothes to wear), I can not provide toys, nor can I provide all the wants of a little girl.  I can not give her the things that other children have and I can no longer ask for help.  I can not face myself in the mirror if I ask for help again.  Her grandparents should not be the ones who give her clothes and toys because her parents can not afford it.  My daughter is the only reason for my being.  She is everything to me and I can not imagine a world without her which only intensifies the fact that I can not give her everything she deserves. 

I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks.  I am sure that my husband has too.  We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit.  I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves.  We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start.  We thought everything would work out better here.  Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much.  My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work.  He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant.  He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over.  Life is very stressful more so for me then him.  He still has faith.  Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending. 

At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure.  I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon.  I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January.  She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to.  I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue.  She is not my daughters provider.  I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer.  It is not a gift when it is needed.  It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer.  I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light.  The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps.  I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself.  I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".

"Rouler dans le profond"

Well it has certainly been awhile since I have posted.  Life has been stressful to say the least.  Husband got his ankle surgery and well I have just been overloaded.  I am very tired almost all the time and entirely too stressed out.  Thankfully we will be heading down to my parents next week so I can get a little break (and they can get some Monkey time).  I have some projects I need to start on, however I just dont feel like I have the time or energy.  Hopefully once husband's cast comes off things will get a little easier and I can start on my fun fun projects haha.  I plan on making a cocoon for the Bean (probably waiting til we know the sex so I can do it in a color that works with baby).  Its kind of like a swaddling blanket only you just put them down into it.  I am also going to make Monkey a big Star blanket for her new bed (so that way when we switch her to a big girl bed it just seems even more special).  I havent decided on the colors for that one just yet.  I dont think I want to make her another pink one, but Im not too sure what color I do want to do.  I may just let her pick out the two colors.  I also have to get to work on an afghan for our good buddy in NY.  I need that one done by Christmas, so I think I need to get started.  It shouldnt take me long since it will just be a standard afghan.  I plan on going threw my moms books to see if I can find a simple one that is still really nice.  I also know that she has an insane amount of yarn laying around so I may sift threw all of that too for Bean's cocoon.

My friend Michell has gotten me bitten by the craft fairy yet again haha.  She wants to get into sewing which is something I have been toying around with for a while myself.  My mother keeps telling me she wants to make Monkey some play clothes (which will have to be put on hold because its turning into fall and winter) which of course got me wanting to.  And now my friend has been telling me about making the bedding for her new little one on the way and I think that would just be wonderful to do.  I'll also have a lot of time to do since we kept Monkey in our room until she was 6 months and I plan on doing the same with this one.  So we wont use the crib until 6 months which gives me at least that long to find time to make it.  Pretty excited about this, only problem is I need a sewing machine!  I really just want a nice simple one.  Doesnt have to be expensive and it most certainly doesnt need to do a lot of fancy things.  The basics will do just fine.

OK so its pretty much expected for me to put something beyond weird in my blog.  I think its been a little while since I've done it so here goes:

This is a creepy recurring pregnancy dream.  I have a dream that my jaw hurts really bad and if I try to open or close it cracks and pops and hurts even more.  Well finally the other night the dream got worse.  My upper jaw came out of my mouth and I started spitting out my bottom teeth until I only had four left.  I was crying and screaming in hysteria.  It was awful.  When I woke up...my jaw hurt.  I still have dreams about my jaw hurting but thankfully everything is still intact.

Pregnancy...you suck.

So I am miserable.  I was not this way with Monkey.  It is just awful.  Even with the pills to keep me from feeling nausea I still feel sick all the time.  I cant seem to throw up though instead I just gag.  I want to be able to clean my house.  I am so tired of it looking like a hurricane has blown threw my living room.  I want my sense of smell to go back to being dull and not notice small insignificant things like when my husband has pickles on his sandwich.  I want to have energy to play with my daughter and enjoy her being at such a fun age.  I am just plan tired of this pregnancy causing me such misery!

On a lighter note (though not really) poor Sammy just seems to constantly have diarrhea.  In fact it was so bad today (apparently) that she ended up going on the back porch instead of the yard.  Not fun to clean off and I now need to get some type of cleaner and brush to scrub it all off since the heat here makes things really dry in and set.  I am wondering if she isnt getting into the decomposition piles.  Sid is not having the same issue, so it has to be just something Samantha keeps getting.  I may need to spy on her when she goes outside for a while.

So there is a small glimmer of hope that my mother and sister may be coming down to see us in September.  I really hope they do because we never have visitors.  We always lived too far away from anyone to come and see us, and now that we live closer it would be nice to have family come see us.  I've been trying to figure out the sleeping situation since we dont have an extra room and my sister is pregnant (so our blow up mattress may not be comfy enough for her).  I dont want them to have to stay at a hotel because thats just more money and then I wont get to see them as much.  I guess I'll just have to keep trying to figure something out.

Can I rant about stupid people? I cant? Well too bad.

So I have a "friend" who is just freaking stupid.  I know thats mean and I am being judgmental and putting her down.  I am aware of this, but how about you just hear me out real quick.  So her daughter is younger then mine.  She will be turning a year old in August.  When her daughter was around 8 months she gave her Dr. Pepper in a bottle.  She also gave her orange juice around 6 months (not that bad but its not encouraged due to the acid).  She also switched her to a forward facing carseat at 11 months.  I kindly explained to her that its recommend you wait until 2 years so she put her daughter back into an infant carseat (which she still fit into just fine) and then put her back into the forward facing one a few days later and not even in the center.  I happen to know that the carseat she has can go rear or forward.  Anyways I just read that she gave her daughter a Hershey's bar.  She said "Never ever give you child a Hershey's bar.  It will make them super hyper."  Really?  Ya think?  Ugh It just annoys me so much when people do this kind of crap.  So they not realize what they are doing to their children?  I could understand a bite (after a year old) but a whole freaking bar?  And Dr Pepper?  Really?  Where is the good in a Dr. Pepper?  There is none.  I feel awful for her little girls (she also has a 6 year old).  Ok rant over.

Can I get a "what what" and some fatty fatty foods for my skinny mini baby?

So poor Monkey had to have her one year shots on the 8th of July.  She was behind which is no big deal with me.  I think it helped her not get as sick as some babies do but who knows.  Anyways she also had a wellness check up and guess what we learned?  She had not changed in height or weight in over 2 and a half months.  I personally thought she felt heavier, despite still being able to wear most 6 month onsies, but nope, zero change.  It actually really worried me.  So we had some blood work done and went back in to check growth.  Zero change in weight, but half an inch growth in her height.  So now we are going to the doctors once a month until she can be put on some type of curve.  We also have to keep a food journal in case we need to see a nutritionist.  The doctor who has taken over her case seems like a very nice man.  He said her blood results looked great and right now he is focused on making a curve for her.  If we dont see change over a certain amount of months we will being going into "over kill mode" as he put it.  This sadly means lost of test on poor Monkey.  I am hoping we get some growth in soon even if its just a pound.  I am going to have to try and find more things she is willing to eat.  The kids loves her fruit and veggies, but when it comes to meats its a hit or miss type of deal.  It really worries me to know that there may be something wrong with my child.  A parents purpose in life is to raise and care for their child.  They are suppose to protect them from all things, but how can I protect her from something that can be easily fixed?  How can I help her when I dont even know whats wrong if anything?  It is depressing.  That little girl has been my whole world since the test said pregnant.  She means everything to me and to think that something might be wrong just makes me want to cry.  I also feel bad because I am so focused on her and her needs that I feel like I have been neglecting the one in my womb.  Its not like I can do much other then feed myself and be healthy, but I just feel like I have been ignoring the bonding I should be doing at this stage.  I dont often find myself admiring my growing belly or thinking about the wonders of a newborn.  Instead I find myself watching my daughter play and enjoy being a baby.  I find myself clinging more to her then the thought of another. 

Then there are days when I wish I could just get out on my own.  I have never actually had a day to myself since my daughter was born.  I have left her at the max 3 hours and that was to see a movie with my mother.  But now I feel like even if I have a day to myself, it wont really be to myself because I will still have one in tow in the womb.  Its also hard to think about leaving her alone with my husband knowing that she is having weight issues.  He tends to think she is done eating before she really is and its because he gets impatient with her.  I want to know she is eating enough and I dont know if I trust him to ensure she does.  I want a day to myself, but at the same time I want to be able to know my daughter is eating to her tiny little belly's content.

I feel like all I do anymore is worry.  I worry about my daughters health, I worry about how I really feel about having another baby, I worry about what is happening with my own body knowing that the 2-4 oz's of bile I throw up first thing in the morning is not healthy by any means.  I worry about the weight I will soon be gaining and being able to get back to a healthy weight once I have this baby.  I worry about how this baby will effect Monkey and how having the stress of two kids will effect my marriage.  I wish I could just have a day to myself of no worry, no Monkey, and no stress.  However I sadly doubt that will ever happen.

Paci's, Potty's, Spider Monkeys, and Wonderful Food.

So today was the first day I woke up and did not want to vomit or gag.  It was a good morning that I spent munching on food and watching the Monkey run around the house like the crazy child she is.  I also cleaned today.  It felt nice to clean though I started feeling sick when I made it to the kitchen part and so the house is still not how I want it.  On the bright side I got some wonderful Dill Bread made (literally the best I have ever made) before laying down for a little nap.  After my very short nap husband came home and demanded food of course, so I made a freaking awesome Turkey Pot Pie.  I may however use different veggies the next time I go to make it.  I bought frozen and a brand I had never seen before, and I am thinking that next time we shall need a different brand.  After devouring the pie (Monkey and Husband being the main eaters since I had a very late lunch) I cleaned the kitchen while Husband attempted to keep Monkey entertained (did a pretty good job up until she was done eating) and then made brownies (which I am now paying for with an unhappy little Bean).  It was a fairly good day, though I wish I had more energy to get the house cleaner.

So we have taken away paci's finally.  We started yesterday and she did so wonderful at nap time I decided there was no need to slowly go into...well I wish I had reconsidered that thought.  When bed time rolled around she cried for 30 minutes.  I went in right before 9 (I figured night would be harder so I put her down 30 minutes early) and picked her up, calmed her down, and talked to her a little bit.  When I laid her back down she of course screamed bloody murder but fell asleep soon after I left the room.  Today has been a little hard since she is teething.  She is much more crabby not having her paci as a soothing agent and has been clinging to me like the Spider Monkey I hoped she never be.  Nap time was a little bit of crying though not long and bed time was much better tonight.  Maybe 10 minutes of crying.  I feel so bad because I know she is in pain, but I cant give up now. 

We also tried some potty training today.  My thought was do potty training to distract against not having a paci.  Im afraid it backfired due to the teething.  She wore she training panties today and never told me when she had to go potty (though the pee never ran down her leg, she didnt pee an awful lot when she was wearing them) she would just pee and go about her day.  I think since it wasnt a lot of pee she just felt like she was wearing her cloth diapers.  Anyways Ive decided to wait until after this tooth breaks threw and she is over her wanting of a paci.

This may be a long one.

Ok so first off morning sickness is all day sickness for me.  Ive lost three pounds in less then a week and a half.  It has sucked pretty bad, yet some how I look like I am about 3 months pregnant.  Dealing with the Monkey while being sick with the Mean Bean is a little difficult.  Thankfully we have been at my parents for the FFourth of July weekend so Monkey has been well taken care of and I have been well feed.  And of course with coming to visit my family it means that husbands family insist that we come see them, which we don't since last time husband was over their a small exchange of money and pot happened.  I do not want my child around that.  So we didn't go over there, but I guess they decided to come over to my parents.  I told my husband if they want to come over it had to be now (which at the time was 530) it couldn't be at 8.  Well he told them it couldn't be at 8 and they said it wouldn't be.  I really wish he had said what I told him to because of course they come rolling up minutes before 8.  My father is very tired and already in bed asleep, they ring the door bell making the dogs bark and of course are loud upon entering.  Granted they do not know that my dad is asleep in bed, but still.  They did however bring her a b-day gift (her birthday was May 16th and we were here a few weeks after that).  It was a huge gift too that was not cheap which actually made me mad.  Now you may be thinking that I am ungrateful because this has upset me, well that isn't true.  Its a very nice gift, its a learning toy and has a lot to keep her busy.  I am mad because they did not ask what to get her (honestly she has enough toys) and I am mad because I cant help but to wonder why they got it for her.  They are not the kind of people to give something just to be nice.  I feel like they did it to compete with my parents (who wouldn't get her something this big without first asking or having us suggested it) or they are doing it to buy her love.  They aren't around her a lot and they last time I took her to their house (I just want to make it clear I did not want to and I did not leave her) she cried when they tried to hold her.  She didn't have much interest in them this time (except husband's step sister who she loves) and refused to go to them again.  His dad did get a hold of her and tried to make her laugh by throwing her in the air but she wasn't interested.  I know they want to be involved but because of their choices its just not going to happen.  Again I feel as if they are buying her love.  She knew it was from them since it came in with them and was happy about it.  I think they will probably keep doing this which will really cause a problem.  I know however that my daughter is very smart so I have hope that if it does keep up threw the years that she will be smart enough to realize buying your love is not love.  And that is all for now (don't worry this drama will keep up since they are "suppose" to come see us soon).

So my grandmother is in the early stages of Alzheimer.  I knew she was the last time they tested her and said she wasn't.  I had a feeling she was just above the line.  Well now she has is in the early stages.  It has been hard to understand her for the past few years.  In fact when I came home pregnant with Monkey I literally watch her change in just weeks.  At first she made sense and then slowly gaps formed in her sentences and now...well now you just kind of have to fill in the blanks.  My father is a very good man with no patients. He is older. He has had a hard life, raised three kids, and is still working.  He is a strong man and a proud man.  He doesn't have the time or energy to put into caring for my grandmother.  Though I am not for putting a sane senior in a nursing home, however when their mind begins to wonder away from them and they do not know who you are or even who they are, I think they need to be somewhere that has trained professionals to help them.  Sadly my grandmother needs to be some place like this. She has needed to no longer have a car for some time now, though I know if my father took it away it would make her more dependent and take away her own freedom.  Personally I would have said to hell with her driving the day she told him she had not idea what those lines in the middle of the road where for, but he didn't.  My mother has taken over her finances and has discovered she is not eating yet again.  In a month she only spent 15 dollars at Kroger (a grocery store).  She has been going to Dollar General and getting junk food.  Her doctor just recently told her that she had to start drinking water or else she would die.  This is something my parents have been trying to tell her for weeks.  My mother is on the fence about putting her in a home for two reasons.  One she is worried my father will never go and see her.  He wont have to and she thinks because of that he wont.  Number two is because one of two things happens when you put an elderly person in a home.  They either flourish and health returns or they get depressed and die.  Its a 50 50 and my mother just isn't sure anymore.  My grandmother use to be a very social person, but now its almost as if she refuses to do anything that would put her around people other then family.  So we just don't know.  I have a feeling though the time is soon approaching when they will have to make a choice.

Ritz Crackers Saved My Life.

So this pregnancy has already been a roller coaster.  Had to go to the ER for some pains right above my right hip.  Got an ultrasound to make sure everything was where it should be.  And of course it was.  The yolk sac was there and everything looked good.  No baby or heart beat yet, but I was only 5 weeks and 3 days.  Anyways after that it was no food for me.  The thought of food, the smell of food, it all makes me sick.  I has been horrible.  I have just wanted to vomit for about three days straight now though I havent actually done it.  I was finally able to eat something for lunch today (BLT without the L and T) and then I was able to clean the kitchen and make dinner and actually eat the dinner.  It was a wonderful moment.  I felt good enough to shower with the Monkey and even had a nice little Kool Pop.  However now I am burping up nasty tasting air and wishing my stomach would feel alright again.  Nothing seems to work to keep this crap away.  Ive been taking my B 6 every morning after forcing something down and that doesnt seem to do anything.  I ended up ordering a nausea band today in hopes that it will provide me with some type of relief.  We are suppose to be going to my parents for the weekend and it looks like I'll have to drive since husband ankle is still so messed up and so I really need to be feeling A-OK by then.  Alas though I dont think I will.

Ok so heres a random creepy moment.  I get Monkey off the potty tonight and shes staring at something behind me in kind of a weird way.  She wouldnt let me push her towards the door which was behind me.  It made me think it was husband behind me giving her a look because she had been screaming at me so I turn around and no one is there.  I got a really creepy feeling, but she soon went back to not caring what was behind me anymore.  I often think that I hear whispers coming threw the baby monitor, but its hard to tell if thats what I'm really hearing or maybe just the air conditioner.  It bothers me some.  I dont like the idea of something whispering threw my kids monitor at night.

I had a dream...about my boobs.

So since the news of the new baby arriving some time around February 18th I've been thinking about breast feeding.  It wasnt easy with the Monkey.  Sadly we had to stop at 6 weeks.  She didnt know how to suck when she came out and mom had to teach her.  They also gave her a bottle in the hospital since I didnt have any milk to feed her.  When you tipped the bottle upside down milk literally streamed from the nibble.  So she got use to having it be really simply, barely sucking and getting milk.  Sadly I did not have a fast flow which meant she had to work for it.  In the end it was just hell.  I couldnt get enough out by pumping, and she wasnt willing to latch on and try. 

Well I've been really wanting to give it a try again with this next one.  We will be in our own home instead of at my parents since husband will not be deployed this time around.  I can have my breast hanging out there and it be no big deal (I might have to fight my husband off with a stick though).  I think it will be a little more relaxing this time since it'll be our own home.  I am also planning on using The Mother's Milk Tea.  From what Ive heard from other women who have used it it has worked miracles.  So I plan on picking some up around my 30 week mark.  I am bond and determined to do it this time.  It makes me kind of sad though that I didnt try and find something to increase my supply with Monkey.  I mean she is smarter then any child I have met, so I dont think she missed out, but I just always want to give all of my kids the best that I can and I sorta feel like I failed her in a way which is something I never want to do.

 

BAM We have a number two to add to our number 1 or is that number 5?

So finally made it to the new duty station.  House is freaking sweeeeet (I totally just said that like a teen).  I love our house.  Fenced in backyard, huge living room, its all pretty awesome.  Most of the unpacking is done.  I really need to make our room like neat and finish up in the laundry room.  I also think there are like two boxes in the hall closet, but they are all winter stuff so not in too big of a hurry.  Got some ideas for Monkeys room.  Thinking about a big tree with a monkey hanging in it.  HA just got a great idea.  Have the monkey wearing a shirt that has her name on it.  Totally cute.  Anyways, the base seems pretty chill (yes I did just say that).  Everyone is really nice and relaxed here.  Husband was suppose to be going to a school in July but that just may be canceled due to the fact that he has probably broken his right ankle and will now need surgery.  Peachy I know.  Also because of this still not sure if we will make it to my parents for the 4th.  I'm really wanting to but it all depends.


So a bit of news for those who stalk me (you know who you two are and I dont know who you other people are which just kind of makes it creepy yet thrilling all at the same time) we recently found out that I am pregnant.  It was kind of funny because I thought that perhaps I was jumping onto my mothers cycle so the fact that I was five days late was not too big of a deal.  Well while unpacking the bathroom items I found a pregnancy test and thought hell if I'm five days late this thing should tell me no matter the time of day.  So I went and laid down on the couch for a bit and drank some water (Monkey was napping and I needed a little break) and finally the urge to pee hit me.  So I go and take it and the negative line popped up first and I was like I knew it and right as I went to sit it down on the counter something caught my eye and so I looked again and the negative turned to a positive.  I about flipped.  I sent husband a picture text with the words "this means we're pregnant".  He was super stoked.  I think it will be pretty cool to have him around for this pregnancy.  He'll get to feel the baby move and everything plus he'll get to be there for the birth which is something he missed for Monkey well actually he missed everything for Monkey but still.  Anyways, I'm kind of sad though because this means we have to move AGAIN and this also means I'm just going to get that much fatter...I wanted to lose my last 20 lbs before getting pregnant with number 2.  Oh well, just looks like I'll have to work that much harder after wards.

I felt like a Hippie momma.

So today I had on my long hippie dress.  It would be a wonderful dress if it just had air flow.  Great for air conditioning, horrible for the outdoors.  Anyways, I had monkey decked out in her purple G's and a cute white dress covered in rainbow butterflies.  She looked great and I felt like a totally hippie.  It was pretty wonderful.  I mean I do the cloth gig now, I make her baby food (though lately I've been bad) and I stay at home with her all day.  Its a wonderful life I have.  I cant wait til we get a house and can go outside and dig in the dirt to plants some Elephant Ears and Sunflowers.  I'm super stoked.

"Birthday Cake and Paranormal Activity"

 So went to a birthday party for Monkey's little cousin (they are just a few weeks apart).  They had cake of course and it was the most sugar cake you could possibly get for a 1 year olds birthday.  I was surprised he didnt vomit all over the place.  It was a really cute cake though and a huge turn out.  Monkey had fun though the heat was killer (why would you have an outdoor birthday party in one of the hot months?) and she really didnt care for the cake (YAY) or hot dogs or even the other kids.  There was another little girl there same age as them and Gracie ignored both her cousin and the other little girl.  It was like they're play was too simple for them.  She did however ride around in the wagon with her cousin and seemed to enjoy herself and of course if they came and played with her she was would sit there and play with them.  She just became too bored with them.  They would bang the blocks whereas she would try and figure out how to put them together.  I love my smart Monkey, but I'm afraid she'll never get to enjoy kids her own age.  I dont want her to be a loner like I was though if shes happy thats all that really matters.  I would just hate for her to look back on her life and think "Why dont I have any friends?"

OK so obviously I have written about the Paranormal Activity that goes on in my life on almost a regular bases.  Well I am still currently at my parents while the faithful husband is off getting us a house at the new duty station.  While husband was still here I heard what sounded like someone sitting down in our bed threw the baby monitor one night.  Just a quick moan of the bed then it was over with.  Next it sounded like someone breathed into the monitor and once again over with in a flash.  The next night I heard the breathing sound again.  The next night Monkey slept upstairs with my parents since husband and I were going out to a late showing of the new X Men movie (totally awesome).  The next night she slept with them again so husband could get a good night sleep.  Well tonight I heard a huge moaning of the bed threw the monitor.  It sounded like someone tossing and turning.  I ran downstairs followed by my father with his gun.  I showed him how the bed could make the noise and he was clearly puzzled (I could see the paranormal wheels turning). Once we got upstairs my mother was waiting and I explained what had happened when it happened again!  Turns out we could hear my father walking in his bedroom.  The floors moan and that is what we heard threw the monitor.  Though the first night I can tell you that wasnt what it was.  Anyways for once this was not something to freak about, though we did.

I entitle you "BOOM".

Wow it has been a while.  Life at the parents is fairly boring.  Monkey runs all over the place getting into pretty much everything her tiny little hands can grab while the girls run from the terror that is Abby The Labby.  Monkey and Abby terrorize each other though so it pretty much evens out.  The heat has been something we are all trying to adjust to.  Its been 80 and up since the moment we left the north and to be honest with you I think I am going to die when we finally get to the new duty station.  My parents keep the ac set on 77 and I am still burning up inside (though the other day I did turn it down to 75 while no one was home).  We always kept the apartment at like 65 so yea... 

Anyways our adventures so far consist of a road trip that showed just how badly the south had been flooded.  We were lucky enough to avoid flooded roadways.  We also had a trip down to Camp Slaughter House (my Uncle's farm).  The boys drove down on a Friday and spent the night.  By the time us girls made it they were all insanely tired, hung over, and missing their women.  It was hot of course and so not only did Monkey get caked in sunscreen, but she also got the shed her clothes (including her g diapers) put on a nice cool diaper and run wild.  She enjoyed it, but needed a nap, so daddy convinced her to take one with him.

It was very hot up in the cabin which is why she is red faced and naked.  Either way they had a good and very much needed nap. 

We also discovered other things while on the farm like this little guy who was making his way up to my water.  Thankfully Monkey was not around to see it otherwise I fear she would have eaten him.

We also saw plenty of cows though no one took pictures of them.  I think it was probably because we were all terrified that the big ass bull might not be very happy about a snap shot.  His girlfriends seem to enjoy staring us down in a very "I will charge you" type of manor.  My sister and I attempted to make friends so we could pet one, but this cow was just not having it.

The boys also enjoyed some male bonding over guns.

I think that pretty much says it all.

After the farm we enjoyed a nice Sunday off and then I became deathly ill on Monday.  I want to vomit so horrible bad but could never seem to do it and trust me I tried.  Tuesday I felt better, I took Monkey outside for a little dip in the baby pool.

Needless to say she loved it.  Yesterday was errand day and today we are heading out to a big pool with husband's little sister.  Should be fun...I hope.


Welp other then that the cloth diapering is going pretty awesomely except for at night.  She is just too big of a wetter.  Even her diapers struggle.  So we're still working on that.

Well I hope all my stalkers out there feel like that are now caught up with the wonderfully adventurous life of mine!

Cloth diapers here we come.

So we finally made it to my parents house.  What a long trip it was, but at least we all made it in one piece and fairly happy.  Monkey slept almost the whole time which was wonderful and even slept at night.  Her routine it a little messed up (shes been waking up a little too early and napping a little too early too) and she is most certainly in her terrible twos stage.  Now I'm sure your a little confused about that last statement, but I have recently read that the terrible twos are not when they hit two, but more in the second year of life.  She enjoys throwing temper tantrums (hard to believe I know) when getting something taken away from her.  But we have found a good ol fashioned time out works pretty well. She is more prone to them when getting tired too.  Anyways we were pretty lucky to avoid flooding, though we saw plenty of it.  The girls did good on the ride with Sid sleeping in my lap the whole time and Samantha sleeping in the back next to Monkey's car seat.  Samantha has refused to eat since getting to my parents, but I dont think she'll starve herself, so its just a waiting game at this point.

So today I finally ordered the cloth inserts for the G diapers.  My sister is picking up the Little G Pants from babiesrus because its cheaper then online and she should be bringing them to my parents on Thursday, the same day our shipment arrives!  Super excited to get this new experience going.  It will be nice not to worry about diapers anymore.  I just need to find something to put the dirty ones in until its time to wash.  I think thats my only problem at the moment.

As for our housing situation, we still dont have a house on post and so I have decided to stay with my parents until we do.  My mother can drive Gracie and I down when we get a house and even if she is unable, I know husband can come and get us.  He isnt too thrilled about the idea of us not going with him, but I have to think about whats best for Monkey and right now its having her in a stable environment.  Living in a one room hotel for an unknown amount of weeks isnt a good life for a baby and neither is inconveniencing our friends with a newborn.  As much as I hate being away from my husband, its for the best until we have a house.

Well I guess Ill be getting off.  Just thought I would give a little update to everyone.  Monkey is napping as well as my mother and the girls, and I am thinking about joining them.

Movers suck and life with a 1 year old.

So its been a busy few days.  The weeks have just flown by and well I dont think I'm ready for whats coming and has past.  Monkey turned one yesterday (she was pretty excited about it) and her party on Sunday was wonderful.  Her cupcakes turned out great, though I forgot to take a picture of them, the food was wonderful of course, and she got a pretty good haul of toys as well as a few outfits.  She didnt really know what to do with her cupcake when we sat it down in front of her, but after I cut it up some, she tried it out.  She also shared with the girls who loved it.  After everyone left Uncle Newman and Moomoo played her some music and then we called it an early night with bedtime being 30 minutes early.  I ended the night with Aunt Flo finally showing up and the guys deciding to be jerks.  All in all though good day.

Yesterday around noon I realized the movers where coming today which meant I had to clean the carpets, which I did, along with loads of laundry and dishes.  I packed up our bags and now I am sitting here waiting on these freaking movers who have yet to show.  Some time between 8am and 5pm they are suppose to appear.  What the crap?  We had plans for tonight, but I've already decided if they dont get here til 5 then I'll just stay home and let the boys take Monkey.  I will be VERY pissed and I expect to have an Apollo Burger brought home to me.  Grrr.

I think the next few months shall be interesting.  We're moving to a new place, getting a new apartment, and just starting a new life.  Monkey is already starting to show signs of being ready for potty training (though we still plan on switching to cloth diapers just to save some money on diapers and pull ups) and we plan on trying for another baby soon.  Monkey is so smart and it just seems like instead of being one she already turned two.  Its just crazy how much she can do and say.  I'm ready for another baby and for the wonderful big sister Monkey will be.  But I dont think I'm ready for Monkey to keep going on this super baby path.  I love my little Monkey, but I want her to be little for just a bit longer.  Life with a one year shall be wonderful and full of laughs, love, and I'm sure plenty of tears, nos and uh ohs, but either way it will all be exciting and new and very very interesting.

Who doesn't love weird Dreams?

So I had a dream I was 36 weeks pregnant and I hadn't felt the baby move in like days (this is what I get for watching the World's Smallest Girl and 16 and Pregnant before bed).  Anyways I called my doctor and was getting ready to go see her when suddenly I said to my mom "I'm having this baby right now".  It was kind of weird because I mean the head just came out with zero pushing (I have VERY graphic dreams) and I just reached down and pulled him.  It was a little boy and I wiped his eyes off and mouth.  He was breathing and probably the same size as Monkey when she was born.  He didn't cry and husband was kind of freaking out not sure what to do.  I took off my shirt and put the baby up against my chest to keep him warm and told husband to call 911.  I was very calm and happy.  He was pretty handsome too.  Perfectly round head, just like Monkeys, not a lot of hair that I can remember, but just a cute little bundle of boy.  After everything was shown to be A-OK, our next problem was his name.  Nothing fit.  And this is actually a real problem for us.  We cant figure out a good boy name in case our next one is a boy.  In my dream I just felt so panicked and horrible for not knowing what his name should be, but I kept wanting to name him James.  I dont even like that name.

That dream has me a little worried.  The boys have been insisting that I am pregnant ( I think they just like to freak me out) and since having Monkey I dont cramp before my period anymore (HAHA she's dancing to the hot dog song on Micky).  The other day however I was having really low period like cramps, just like I did right before I found out I was having Monkey, but then again that could have been caused by just about anything so who knows.  I'm due for Aunt Flow this Saturday so we'll find out then if she comes or not.

I'm not sure how I feel about having another baby.  I love it just being the three of us most days, and think I could never want more, but then other days I just cant wait to have another baby.  I go back and forth and really my fears of another child aren't warranted.  I think most are the same fears everyone has when it comes to a second child.  Monkey is so perfect and smart.  She did everything sooner then she was suppose to and it just feels like if the next doesn't I'll end up being worried all the time.  Then there is the issue of Monkey herself.  Will she feel left out or neglected?  That thought just breaks my heart.  Then there's the fear of something happening to us and she being alone.  No sibling to be there for her and go threw life with her.  I want her to never have to be alone and to have someone who can be there for her and love her as well as her being there for them and loving them.  So many worries and I'm not even pregnant (don't think).  Oh well, weird dreams always get you thinking.

One Year Ago Today.

Last mothers day my mother woke up with chest pains.  My sister was on her way back from Little Rock and my dad was down stairs firing up the grill if I do recall when I asked her what was wrong.  She finally told me and said she didnt want to ruin today.  I told her she was nuts and if I had to I would carry her to the car and make her go to the ER (I was 38 weeks pregnant).  She finally decided to go once my sister got home.  My sister and I finished making what was suppose to be Mothers Day lunch which we later took up to the hospital for her to eat.  She thankfully didnt have a heart attack.  My sister and I spent the next few days at the hospital with her.

Tuesday she had a heart cath done will I took Samantha to the vet to be fixed.  My sister and I went to pick up Samantha who was very much happy to see me but too drugged to really do much about it.  We took her to the car and both of us helped her into the back of my Jeep.  When we got her home we tried our best to get her settled in, but she just wanted to go where ever I did and I was leaving.  When we got back to the hospital everything was good and my mom was released.  We ate Colton's and Sammy had eggs.  It took her about two hours, but she finally made it into the living room to sleep in the middle of the floor.

Wednesday I felt a little weird.   I almost fainted while bringing in some food for my father and I, so my plans to go to the grocery store were canceled until after my doctors appointment the next day.

Thursday was dooms day.  I went in and my doctor threatened me with labor due to high blood pressure.  She said she would send me home if I stayed on bed rest for 24 hours and collected my urine.  She suspected I had preeclampsia.

Friday I get admitted and a Red Cross message was sent to get my husband home.

Saturday the message was canceled and we still dont know why.  I was induced at about 4 pm.

Sunday morning at 12:38 am I had my little Monkey.

Who would have thought Mothers Day would have turned out to be so eventfully.  Thankfully this year its just been nice and calm.

It's been awhile.

So its been a few days since Ive posted anything.  Been kind of busy and in a funk.  So I guess I'll just do a recap on the things that have been cruising on around here.

Monkey got a diaper rash and it was bad enough that A&D just wasnt cutting it.  Apparently the new LUVS that are suppose insure no blow out happen are really hard on her poor little booty (and suck for blow out standards, I just love waking up to a baby covered in poo and a crib too).  Anyways took us a few days to get it to clear up (thank you butt paste).  She seemed fairly happy to get to run around nude for every diaper change and after bath time.  She was so happy in fact she started taking off her diaper yet again and made it impossible not to have a buttoned onsie or shorts on her.  Even though its gone now, she decided to escape from daddy tonight and take off down the hallway naked.  She came into the living room with Uncle Newman and I and started dancing to the music that was playing on her little kid show.  Probably the most cutest thing this kid has done thus far, though I may take that back since earlier I asked her if she wanted to watch Micky and her jaw dropped.  That was pretty cute too.  She kept looking at the TV waiting then back at me with her mouth wide open super happy.  She then sat down in my lap and watched it after dancing to the opening song.  That kid is way too cute.  She also learned what sound a snake makes.  You can ask her and she goes "ssss  ssss".  I think it pretty much rocks.  We also went to the pool today and she tried to dog paddle on her own.  Daddy was having some issues keeping her mouth out of the water too because she wanted to dunk herself, which was also pretty freaking cute.  She attempted to play ball with Sammy today and kept saying "ball" then throwing it at Sammy to catch.  Samantha however kept dodging it.  It amused me for a few minutes before I went back to watching (and tasting) the dinner Uncle Newman was making.  She also wore her "flippy floopys" today and looked so freaking cute I think everyone in the entire Gym as well as Wal Mart wanted to kidnap her.  Good thing mommy didnt leave her unattended while daddy and Uncle Newman played with toys claiming to "look" for her birthday present.  Which I found a few options that I would like to get her, and Uncle Newman brought Elmo over and she feel in love (what is it about that creepy red bastard?).

So husband has been "shaming" all week long.  He has almost all of his clearing down and just stayed home with us, which would have been nice had he not woken up the baby almost every morning and cleaned up after himself.  And of course Uncle Newman has been over every day which has been nice to spend some time with him before we leave.  So not only did I have a baby to clean up after, but I had two grown men I had to clean up after as well (I stepped in urine last night, these boys really need to learn how to aim I HUGELY dislike a mans toilet).  But it was still nice to have him around.  They went and got the TV from his room just so they could play the same game on two different TVs.  I didnt think it would go over well, but so far Monkey has yet to knock the one on her level over so I guess thats good.

As for Monkey's afghan, Ive yet to finish it.  I have one ball of yarn left before the afghan itself is finished, then I need to make the boarder and pocket.  I dont know why I cant seem to just finish it already, but for some reason this last ball is taking me the longest.  It is becoming VERY annoying.  Its not even that I dont want to do it, I just never seem to have time to do it.  By the time I have free time, I just want to go and take a nap.  Grrr.

OK so random moment in the life.  We were in Wal Mart today and the "Adam Alert" came on.  A little 6 year old boy somehow got lost.  So I got separated from the boys as they were looking at cards and I was on a hunt for some bbqing things.  Well I saw this little boy (I say little, he looked like he was 8) and he was under a cart that had a purse in it and was making it move by using his hands.  Anyways, he was wearing a red shirt and khaki shorts, just like the little boy who was missing, but his hair was blond not reddish blond (zero red in this kids hair).  And at first I looked for his mother, but then saw the purse and was like oh his mom is around.  Well as I walked away I realized there was no woman around him.  People looked at him and kept moving on assuming the same thing that I did, so I decided to go back and ask him where his momma was.  Well I went back and I wasnt even gone for a minute and he was gone.  I looked around in all the surrounding aisles and no little boy.  I think it might have been him and it really bothered me I didnt just go and ask him where his momma was or at least stuck around long enough to see if anyone was going to get him.  Anyways, we left and I still hadnt heard the "Cancel Adam Alert".  Something similar to this happened when I was pregnant and I did the same thing then that I did today.  My mother and I saw this little girl (no one was looking for her at this point) and she was probably 3.  She looked like she was ready to cry and as I was walking up to her so did this other woman and her husband and I said "oh shes yours" and they said "no we thought she was yours" and I said no.  So the woman tried to talk to her and ask her where her momma was and she just wanted to cry.  Finally someone who worked at Wal Mart came up to her (though none of us left this little girl) and kept trying to get her to talk.  After about 5 minutes of all of us trying to find where she belonged a very angry and annoyed little boy (about 6) came up to her and grabbed her hand and dragged her off to their momma who never even knew she was missing.  I wanted to bawl at the thought of that little girl (and as I was rushing back to where that little boy had been) being lost.  I looked at my kid and thought how could anyone not pay attention to their child?  Monkey is always in the cart with me or I have a hold of her hand.  I dont let that little Monkey out of my sight and I never will.  I see so many young kids (and I do mean young) running around our neighborhood with no parents outside.  They leave the 3 year old in the incapable hands of their 7 or 8 year old sibling.  That older sibling is doing what ever they feel like doing while the baby is left running out into the middle of the road.  Drives me nuts and I swear if I see it one more time there is going to be a momma who gets an ass chewing from me.  Not only is it dangerous due to cars, but you dont know who lives in the house next to you.  Even if you do have friendly chit chat doesnt mean they wont take your kid.  Just because we live on a military base does not mean people are safe.  I plan on letting my daughter run around outside, but only if I am there with her.

Welp I think that is it for the night.  I feel like trying to get in a little crocheting then heading on to bed.  Tomorrow is Mothers day, so to all you Mothers, have a very happy day!

Hello inspiration , I missed you.

So after sifting through youtube yesterday trying to find songs for out long trip, I ended up finding my missing inspiration.  Wonderful flashes for the ending of one book that has been sitting untouched for far too long can now be finished.  Only problem is I have zero time to do it between taking care of Monkey, cleaning, getting ready to move and finishing her afghan plus making another one for my friends baby, I'm just out of time.  I've also been crazy tired lately.  So now I have the inspiration, but I dont have the time to do it.  One day it will end up exploding out of me as if often does, but until then I'll have to just sit here and wish for more hours in the day...or perhaps the need for less sleep.

Let the count down begin!

Count down one: Monkey's Birthday Party/Birthday!  Only 13 days til her party and only 14 days until her birthday!!!  Who's excited?  We're excited!!!!  I already know what type of cake I am making her, I know what we are going to be feeding the guest, and I also know what cake the guest are going to be eating.  I even have three options for an outfit (really its two options, but outfit came with a second dress).  I also got her some cute flip flops that go with all options.  I am very ready and excited!

Count down two: Moving day!  Its getting so close! 20 days til we hit the road and 17 days til they come and get out stuff.  I never thought we would ever get to move from this place but FINALLY we are!  Sid has been shaved in preparation for moving day which has also caused her to wear her sweater at all times.  It was nice and Sunny sitting at 75 for most of yesterday, but during her hair cut the clouds rolled and the temp started to drop, so the sweater went on once we finished.  Husband did a great job, though she looks so tiny now and as long as her sweater is on she looks young too.  Once you take the sweater off you can see the gray and she looks like an old woman.  I've noticed the neighbors Husky eyeballing her since we cut her hair.  I'm afraid she looks like pry now which is not good with all the swamp animals we shall be encountering down South.  I had intended on leaving some hair, but it was such a horrid mess we had to just cut it all and start fresh.  Hopefully Sammy will keep her safe.  I also need to start the long hunt for a good flea and tick blocker since we've never used it up here before and we have a little one to think about.  And I really need to start working on getting everything here ready for the packers/movers.  Ugh so much to do, so very little time.

"Meet me on the Equinox"

I was standing in the laundry room sorting threw the clothes before I put them in the washer.  Monkey was playing in the doorway while husband and Uncle Newman played Call of Duty in the living room.  At first I thought it was my husband who said my name, but after the second time I realized it was too quiet and close to have been coming from him.  I ignored it while casually looking up to check on Monkey.  She didnt seem to of noticed anything.  Its moments like this that I question the reality that I live in.  I cant help but to wonder if maybe something didnt happen to me and I am now living within myself, having created a new world and refusing to wake up.  Maybe at times the voices that call out, or the unseen things that touch me arent what I have thought them to be.  Maybe their the other reality, the one my brain is hiding from.  My life is at times perfect, but at other times it not.  Its painful and heart breaking.  People all around me seem to be leaving, heading to a new life somewhere I cant visit until my time comes, or simply moving on.  It feels at times as if I am standing still while everyone around me is in motion.  I see everything, but cant change it or join in on it.  Is this just something my mind has created or is this life? 

I have created a wonderful story in my head, full of love and adventure.  It has everything I could possibly need to lose myself for hours in.  But what if that fantasy I have in my head is just yet another one that I have created and soon will fall into?  If I get it down on paper will that save me from losing myself again?  Have I already lost myself in a fake reality?  How do I know?

What if this life isnt even a life?  What if I am simply a doll in someone else doll house?  Instead of being the child playing with toys, what if I am that toy? 

I sit and watch the sun set, while Monkey runs around laughing and playing.  The boys are sitting around he TV playing their games while Sid and Samantha lay napping.  Its a moment like this that is perfect.  Whether its real or fact, its not a moment I would trade.  And if the voice that calls out to me is good or evil, its something I'll never investigate.  My life whether created or real is something I enjoy and dont want to give up.  I'll fight to keep it this way and I'll fight to keep away whatever that voice is.

Linkin Park and Iron Chef you have stolen my heart yet again.

 For one, I love food.  It is like the most amazing thing every when properly made.  I wish I could be a judge on Iron Chef America.  My mouth is just watering right now and I dont care who wins.

I love making food for my family.  I love finding new recipes and trying them out.  I love eating something new and I just freaking love food.  My presentations might not be the best, but who cares.  If there is one thing I have learned, food often taste better then it looks and coming from someone who judges things upon their looks, that is saying a whole lot.  I think my favorite things to make though is the main course.  I mean I'm good at making cakes and cookies, but I'm really the main course kind of girl.  And I have recently learned that I can go from being a grill master (thank you father) to being a grill master minus the grill plus the cast iron.  Yup, hot dogs, hamburgers, an steaks you have found a new home in my kitchen, though I do miss the barbecuing  nights.  Anyways, I think I would love to be on a show where all you do is eat food.  Maybe I should be a food critic. 

When my daughter was still a newborn, she came down with a case of colic.  I sat up during the night with her while she cried and my husband sat staring helpless.  Eventually I got her to calm down and sleep.  I kept my cool the whole time knowing there was really nothing I could do but rock her.  After my husband returned to Iraq, I realized the miracle that is Linkin Park.  I can't really remember how I figured this out, but by singing various Linkin Park songs to my daughter, soothed her to sleep.  In fact one night I spent half the night doing nothing but singing to her.  She was no longer colicky, it was just one of those rare nights where she felt like she needed mommy there.  I still find that I singing "The Little Things Give You Away" calms my dear Monkey even when she is at her crankiest or sickest.  So for that I say thank you Linkin Park for not only being one of my all time favorite Bands, but for also soothing my sweet Monkey when no one else can.

All the little things.

I always wanted a baby.  Even when I was running around acting like nothing matter to me, I still wanted a baby deep in the back of my mind.  I wanted everything for this baby.  I wanted the perfect life for it.  I wanted to be the mom with all the answers and the mom who knew how to make anything.  I wanted to have a husband who could be home before dinner so the ball could be thrown out back while I put the finishing touches on the perfect meal.  I wanted so many things for my child that I did not have.  Everything but one thing that sadly I think my perfect child has.

I can remember the first time I "felt" something.  I'm sure I had felt it before, but this is the first memory I have of it.  A man walked behind my mother and I.  To most he looked like a man who needed a shave and possibly some cleaner clothes.  He may have just gotten off work or maybe he was a bum.  I don't know.  We were in Wal Mart though, a very open and public place.  A place I had gone many of times with my mother and father.  This time however it was just my mother and I.  When that man walked behind us it felt like I caught a glimpse of this thoughts and I wasn't something I ever wanted to experience again.  I was little, it was scary, and I didn't understand it.  For some time, it was quiet in my mind.  No more weird feelings or thoughts.  But then my Grandmother died.

I didn't get to know my Grandmother like my sister did.  My mother and sister lived with my grandparents at one point so she had a wonderful relationship with our Grandmother.  I was always with my father's mother.  I honestly cant remember why, but she was the one I had a strong bond with.  Well my Mamama was sick one day, as was I, and so my Grandma came and picked me up.  I wanted to go over to her house since lately I had started to get closer to her and found that I loved being around her (she also had awesome cable and allowed me to watch Rugrats until my brain was ready to explode).  Anyways, I spent a great day with her.  I remember playing in this huge box and blowing bubbles inside.  I was still sick a few days later, but went to my sister's basketball game instead of going to my Grandmothers.  My Grandparents were suppose to come to the game but never showed.  When we got home there was a message on the answering machine.  I remember my sister and I ridden with our mom home from the game and stopped to get ice cream while our dad went home.  He was waiting for us at the door.  He told my sister and I to go upstairs.  We sat on the stairs and listened to him telling our mother how our Grandmother had been rushed to the ER earlier in the night.  They went to the ER and my sister and I stayed home, not really sure what to think.  It was a rough three days.  She had a heart attack then a stroke and had a blood clot in her head.  I wanted to go in and see her, but the nurses said I was too young.  My sister and I sat out in the waiting room as they took her off the ventilator.  It was weird, but I felt like she was there with us, wrapping her arms around us as we both cried and stared out the big glass window in the waiting room.  A few weeks went by and life slowly returned to normal.  I was laying in bed one night with my sisters Pug Peanut and felt someone sit down on the edge of my bed.  It was a water bed.  Peanut had been passed out moments before but was not suddenly barking like a psycho path.  I needless to say ran across the room to turn on the light.  Nothing was there.  I slept on the couch for days.

Slowly more things like this began to happen.  Some times it was little harmless things, other times...it wasn't.  The TV turning on and off, Peanut going insane, barking at thin air, the downstairs door slamming and then the sound of someone running down the stairs.  All these things I told my mother about and she simply told me it was in my head.  My sister said she saw a man standing in her doorway one night and my mother said you are just dreaming.  My sister was more inclined to believe her, I however just stopped talking about it.  I learned to ignore it.  If something caught my eye I didn't look.  The hair stood up on the back of my neck, I'd keep the same pace and tell myself God was with me. 

I met my husband.  He was a very interesting man from day one.  Funny, annoying, and insanely good looking.  He was one of the few men I have ever met that I could actually talk to and tell things too.  It's funny, but we both had the same "deep dark secret".  I can still remember the day I told him.  He said "Na uh that was what I was going to say!"  It was cute.  I felt like I could trust him and so I told him about the things that had happened to me.  I was surprised when he told me he had some of the same experiences, yet relived to know I didn't have to go threw this new dark world alone.



The day he left I was fine.  Slowly though, things started to happen again.  It got so bad that I couldn't sleep.  I would go days without true sleep, only sleeping during the day and insuring the TV was on all night.  Finding Nemo became my new best friend for the nights Samantha slept outside with my fathers dog Mattie.  I felt like I was slowly losing myself and my mind.  Again I turned to my mother.  She told me I had to close that door, the door that seemed open to things most people don't even realize are there.  She also told me that she too had had things happen to her, though nothing like mine. 

Finally the knight returned and we began a new life together.  Of course we would have to get the one apartment that had something lurking around in the second bedroom.  We slept in the living room while we waited for our furniture to arrive.  He would get up to go to work at around 5 and I would throw the covers over my head with the portable DVD player sitting under the sheets with me.  Something was always watching me from the stairs, though it barely made an effect to bother me.  Here and there threw the two and half years we lived there, it would open the back door or brush against my legs, but other then that it was pretty civil.  The nights my husband was away I would cuddle with Samantha in bed while Finding Nemo or Monsters Inc. played all night.  We didn't have cable for a long time, so they brought comfort to me. 

When I became pregnant I was beyond thrilled.  We had tried for over a year and a half with not even a true maybe.  He left for deployment and I left for my parents.  At first I was worried especially since I was doomed to sleep in the basement for a few months.  Samantha was banned to the outdoors with our pit bull King.  He and my father didn't see eye to eye.  Nothing even happened though.  Eventually Samantha became an indoor dog again after a horrible incident that left me unable to keep King around her safely.  After being alone outside for a week she decided she needed to be indoors with me and chewed threw a chain link fence.  Yeah I know my dog is pretty bad ass.  Anyways, I moved upstairs finally and life was pretty peachy.  I had one awful experience while pregnant.  It was when my Great Aunt died.  We were in the elevator heading up to her room after receiving a phone call from the doctor saying she wasn't going to make it threw the night, when it hit me.  It was this feeling of dread.  At first I thought it was because I was pregnant, but I deep down I knew it wasn't.  As we left the elevator and headed towards her room it took everything I had to force myself to keep going.  The nurse met us at the door and told us she had died.  I almost passed out.  After finding a chair a few rooms down, the air felt clearer and I could suddenly breath.  Later while standing in the hallway preparing to leave, someone brushed up against me.  I turned around to see who it was, but no one was there.  I almost threw up as it happened again.  I almost ran out the front doors demanding air as my father asked me what I was doing.  He thought (or so I thought) that it was pregnancy hormones rearing their ugly heads again.  The next day the house was empty.  I could feel it pressing down on me when I left the living room.  But thankfully I was left alone.

My sister and I were arguing over those creepy shows she loved to watch were they go to haunted places and find things.  She told me I should watch them, I told her she was nuts.  She then told me how her now husband was a lot like me and how certain family members were like him too.  She said it ran in the family.  I didnt believe her though because she didnt have it, nor did our mother.  They both have had things happen, but nothing like what I have.  Things leave them alone.  Then it occured to me that we dont share the same father...and that maybe, just maybe, my father had become a really good actor.  Turns out I was right. 

Sadly that's the moment that I realized what my husband and I could see and feel would be passed down to our child.  I prayed it would simply cancel itself out.  I hoped beyond belief it would just skip our children and theirs as well.  I prayed it stopped at us. 

Being the way I am, I tend to talk to God.  Maybe not as much as I should and maybe not when I don't need Him, but I do talk to Him.  I pray He protects my husband who is thrown into dangerous situation because of his job.  I pray He protects my father who doesn't have the best heart anymore in his old age.  I pray He gives my mother strength to pull threw since she is always there for everyone.  I pray He keep my sister safe and gives her the love she has always needed.  But most of all I pray he gives back what I have passed on to my child.  I'll gladly take it 10 fold to keep her from ever having this, even though I know she does, already she does.  All I can do now is teach her that there will always be someone there for her, even if she thinks shes all alone. 

I love my child, she is all I have ever wanted.  I will do anything for her and when I am gone, I pray that I have left her with enough to know there is always someone there to keep her safe and wrap her in His arms, when everything else is creepy around in the dark.

Stick that in your Juice Box and SUCK IT!

I totally judge a book by its cover, and you know what?  I have yet to be wrong.  I mean really, I once thought to myself after looking at a book with an OK title, but horrific cover, that maybe, just maybe this would be a good book.  Guess what?  I read the whole thing and it sucked.  I wondered to myself weeks later as I was looking at yet another crappy book, that perhaps that was simply a fluke.  So I read it and not to my surprise, it sucked.  I have a few other times given the crappy looking book a go and they all sucked!  So I judge a book by its cover and have yet to be wrong.

I am dieing for this weekend to begin.  It it of course Uncle Newman's birthday and I am so excited to make his cake Friday night and dinner!  We of course having the celebration on Saturday (his actually birthday) and that is when we will have cake.   I'm just making it the night before.  We have some friends coming over and I am pulling out the old cast-iron to "grill" us up some burgers and dogs.  I was even thinking about broiling the hamburgers.  Our grill is sadly out of order, but that's cool because I love my cast-iron!  I'm excited to cover his wonderful cake in icing and decorate it!  I am even planning on getting him a present when I make a run to Micheal's Saturday morning for more yarn.  I'm hoping he likes what I plan on getting him.  Anyways Im just really excited.  I love cooking and making things.  I'm also really pumped up for Monkey's b-day bash in a few weeks.  So much happening so little time!

Another reason for wanting to weekend?  I really want to get back to work on Monkey's afghan.  All last night and today I kept thinking "Oh I know what I can do, I can crochet, oh wait no I cant, I don't have any FREAKING YARN!"  Ugh. 

So ball one of yarn for Monkey's new afghan in finished!  I'll have to go and get some more yarn on Friday or Saturday.  I'm pretty excited.  I've never made one by myself and so far so good.  My mom and I both made her a hooded afghan that she loves, but this one will be one that I made on my own!  I think I'll have to have her help me with the boarded though.  I'm doing something a little different with it and well some back up would be nice.

As for moving, the day is approaching quickly.  I'm actually getting a little nervous about a 22 hour car ride with a 1 year old.  She's a horrible car rider, HATES being in her carseat, add in two dogs and well it's gonna be a long 22 hours.  I am however very excited to be moving to a new base.  It will nice to have a fresh start some where new.  I still need to clean out the junk closet and donate some things to Good Will again.  I also really need to organize baby clothes/baby toys.  Thankfully I still have a few weeks left, but between Uncle Newman's birthday this weekend, Mother's Day, and then Monkey's Birthday/going away party, that time is going to just disappear.  OK deep breath before I have a panic attack.

On a better note, it was super warm today.  80 was the high, ever window is open, and the fan it a blowing away.  Poor Sid needs a hair cut so bad shes panting even under the fan.  I might take her this weekend and get it done if they have any openings at Petco.  She sure gonna look weird without any hair!

Welp, I guess thats pretty much it. The boys should be home soon and expecting some dinner (which is still cooking away in the crock pot) so I guess I need to find something else to go with it, as well as figure out to feed the Monkey tonight! 

Let it rain. I'll cowboy up on the Dog.

Monkey "riding" Samantha

So today was a rainy day.  I know the world isn't suppose to end in a flood again, but man is it sure getting close to it.  My hometown is barely staying a float and their was a baby storm that came running threw here a few hours ago.  Had Samantha and Sid following me around and running to Monkey's room for frequent check ups.  Anyways, at some point Monkey decided to cowboy up.  She hopped on Sammy's back and tried to climb up onto the couch to catch the elusive Sidney.  Poor Sammy had no idea what was coming to her.  She just laid there though, sleeping threw most of it until a heel slipped and slammed into her rib cage.  She then decided to hell with this and stood up, with Monkey still sitting on her.  Thankfully she just kind of slid off Samantha's back and there was no painful ending to this one.

After a good time of Samantha riding, then Samantha hunting, Monkey decided she needed her nap 30 minutes early.  OK by me because I was dieing to take a shower.  Thankfully the storm hadn't started at that point otherwise I would have been showering with two dogs.  Afterwards the storm came.  It honestly wasnt that bad, just lots of thunder which is what I am pretty sure woke up the Monkey.  Its funny a loud booming bark outside her door, and she sleeps like a rock, but a little rumble in the sky and she's up.  Anyways Monkey and I ate lunch in the kitchen while Sammy took refuge under the table.  I offered her some uneaten toast with banana but she refused.  Finally though the rain and thunder stopped and I thought we were in the clear.  Sadly however it has started to thunder again.  For now the girls are snoozing (Sam on the floor Sid on the couch) and the Monkey keeps laying down on the floor with her paci and blanket.  I'm sure she needs to take another nap since her first one was only an hour and a half (its usually three hours). 

Haha moment, the tv blasted the warning alarm while Monkey was coming around the corner.  I swear she said "Daaaaang" as she entered the room.  What I really dont get is if she did say it, where did she learn it?  I cant recall the last time I said dang.

Poor me another glass and lets get this Zombie Apocalypse started.

OK so we've all seen at least one zombie movie in our lives.  Personally my all time favorites have to be Zombieland and Resident Evil.  Why may you ask?  Simple, they are very possible.  And I suppose I have to add in I Am Legend because that one is pretty realistic too, though not a favorite of mine because (spoiler alert) the dog Samantha dies and well that's my dog's name.  Now before we jump right on into this conversation that I am more then likely having with myself and possibly 2-3 readers, let me inform you that it is 12:18 am, the house is asleep (excluding Samantha and I) I am tired but not tired enough and Robot Chicken is playing the background (no offense Seth Green but yuck).  I am also waiting for a video to finish uploading on facebook.  I thought hey I need to kill some time so lets talk Zombies.

Now for anyone who has been paying attention to the world that is not revolving around them it is pretty obvious that the whole thing is going to shit right now. If its not a natural disaster (my home town is just about completely under water and Japan...well that just sucks) then its a threat on government shut down, or (huge shocker here) yet another war on something retarded.  So really its only a matter of time before someone finds a "cure" for something or rabies suddenly manifest into some type of unbeatable thing and BAM one stupid retard walks up to a raccoon and gets bitten.  He then walks into town and grabs a person by the neck and takes a bite.  Instead of just shooting both people someone will try and contain them and before you know it Zombie outbreak.

Possibility two a few people volunteer for the "cure" and end up walking into a hospital complaining of a stomach ache.  They then vomit all over some poor helpless nurse, it gets in her eyes/ears/mouth and instead of again shooting both people (sorry poor helpless nurse) in the head because that's the only way to truly kill a Zombie, an outbreak again happens.  Now I know you think I must be cruel for saying just shoot the people, but lets think about this.  My friend's kid gets a cold.  That kid then sneezes all over my friends house.  They then sneeze on my child.  The next day my friends entire family now have a cold.  Two days later my daughter, myself, and my husband have a cold.  Our other friend comes over for the weekend.  He gets sneezed on.  Now he has a cold and takes it back to his barracks.  He sneezed into his hand and didn't wash his hands before touching the door knob to his room.  His roommate touches it and now has a cold.  He goes to his friends, sneezes and now they have a cold.  You get my point here?  Shit travels fast.  All it takes is one Zombie.  One person gets infected and by the end of the month over half of the US is infected.  It wouldn't take long for it to spread to the rest of the world, especially because there would be mass panic and the shoot first ask questions later wouldn't happen until much later in this new world.

So Zombie survival 101.  First off follow certain rules of Zombieland.

Most of the rules can be followed except the hero rule.  Its the tricky rule since this would be real life and not a movie.  A hero situation should be judged upon who you are saving.  If your saving the dumb chick who goes after her dog even though Zombies could care less about dogs, your going to die.  Even if you save her the first time, you will die eventually due to this stupid chicks thought process.  If it happens to be someone you love, odds are again you will die.  Don't get me wrong, I will gladly fight a hoard of Zombies off to save my own kid who is very much defenseless, but not my husband.  I love that man to death, but after having many long and thought out conversations about this, I know he can make it on his own and if he doesn't he wouldn't want me to go down with him.  Hero moments come when you've got a complete stranger backed up to a wall and you've got more then enough to go balls to wall and kick some Zombie ass.  One thing I will add to this list (or maybe two or three depends on what comes to me) being the badass.  DO NOT be afraid to break out the badass card.  Most of us have one and when it comes down to it break that bitch out.  Also gas.  You are gonna need a shit ton of gas, though jacking an eighteen wheeler is not a smart descion, so know your area.  Get a map of every city you enter and always have some extra gas with you if possible (if you get into a bind and have the option to grab the bag with a flash light in it and some food or a tank of gas, go with the bag and set that tank on fire).  And if you get a vehicle that seems to be sent from God himself to keep you alive, keep that sucker alive too.  And of course shoot first (head if possible) and ask questions later. 

Now here is where the whole Left for Dead issues come in.  You've got the rare Zombie experience in this one.  We're talking Super Zombies (Resident Evil can also come into play here again).  Personally I don't believe in this Zombie world, though my husband hopes for it.  I just don't think it seems realistic enough, however, the plan for Super Zombies is get to a cold place.  No matter how "Super" they are, not much can survive in a cold Siberian winter (not that I'm saying head for there) but the point is extreme winter temps have their upsides.  If it's -50 (Fort Drum weather) I doubt any Zombie is gonna be a true challenge even if they somehow manage to still be able to "live" you could easily drive around shooting them as they stand frozen to the ground. So extreme cold temps work in your favor.  I say find a house, clear it, set up headquarters, and then have some fun practicing your snipping.  I have also considered extreme warm temps, but personally I don't think I could stand the smell.  Most Zombies have some form of rot already happening on them, I'd hate to add heat to that.  God the smell would be HORRIBLE!  But if you were born for the sun then well...get a nose plug.

There are many other things to add to this such as avoid setting up camp in a store of any type and really avoid setting up any type of permanent camp. Moving is key.  If you stay in one place for too long you run a risk of getting trapped.  Also avoid the unknown, as in people.  When crap like this happens it becomes kill or be killed and any type of human compassion pretty much gets thrown out the window.  Stick with the ones you know.  For example, Zombie outbreak happens tomorrow it becomes, me, husband, Monkey, the girls, and Uncle Newman.  The girls can pretty much take care of themselves and I know Samantha would die for us.  Uncle Newman has been trained to kill just like husband.  I have a badass card and as for Monkey she is the hope for a better life.  So there is our little group.  We head further up North.  That is pretty much all I'll say just in case Zombie's can one day learn to read. 

Welp again there is tons more I could add to this, but since I am getting tired, I think I might call it a night.

Art how I miss you so.

I use to love to paint.  I use to paint, and draw with chalk, I use to write poems like it was going out of style and I use to love photography too.  Now, even though I still love those things, I just seem to have either no time to do them or no inspiration for it.  I take pictures of my daughter, some of them turn out wonderful, others just look like a picture a mom took.  When it comes to painting, I haven't picked up  paint brush in over two years.  My chalks are still lying in storage some where along with my old composition notebooks full of half written novels and some pretty heart wrenching poetry. Anyways my whole point to this was I went to Micheal's today to get some yarn so I could practice my crochet techniques on.  Of course I wasn't sure where the yarn was since I hadn't been in there forever and I ended up wondering down the paint isle with Monkey in tow.  I felt a small pit of sadness form in my belly as I realized I had not painted a single picture since before Monkey was born.  Then we found the picture frame isle, which was good because I was able to see what kind of frames I needed for the hallway.  But again a small pit of sadness as I realized my hobby of photography had not been used a whole lot lately.  I do however blame that one on the weather.  Its just been too cold to take Monkey out for a fun photo shoot in the sun.  Eventually we made it to the yarn and that is where I knew I felt what my mother must feel every time she starts a new project.  I was insanely happy and excited.  I even got a new book on things to make.  I plan on making her a jumper with booties and a blanket.  The jumper and blanket both have pockets for a kitty that you also make.  I'm excited and have already started on the blanket.  I'm afraid I'll need some help from my mother on the booties and jumper.  Either way though I'm really excited about!  Even though I may not have the same inspiration as I did before, I now have a new inspiration for new things.  One day when my baby is old enough I might find the writing inspiration that has left me for some time, but for now I will just enjoy making her fun little things she can keep forever!