Size 12

Today my sister brought me a pair of jeans that were too big for her.  She is a tiny thing even when "shes not".  They were a size 11/12.  I told her they would probably fit me in a few weeks or so since I am constantly loosing more and more weight.  Well I tried them on and to my absolute amazement they fit!  I cant remember when I was able to wear a size 12!  Surely at some point in the past 4 years I did, but it hasnt been since Lady L made her appearance at the least.  From there my mother took me shopping.  Size 12 in dress and pants.  It made me feel absolutely amazing.

The last time I stepped into a dressing room I was ready to cry.  Nothing fit me.  It was all too small, too tight.  I had to keep going up in pants sizes until finally I had no choice but to go into the plus size section.  This was in March/April.  I found a pair of 18s that fit in the waist but were loose every where else.  I also got a pair of 16W.  They weren't too terribly loose in the legs which is why I liked them.  Slowly I was able to fit back into a pair of my old jeans so long as I had the button undone.  A few months later I was able to button them which lead to my other pants slowly becoming looser in the waist.  My mother gave me a pair of size 14 jeans and as of late they have been falling off.  To put on size 12 and have them fit me without a struggle is such a wonderful confidence booster, I braved the dresses.  I found two I absolutely love and can not wait to wear.  I have NEVER had the confidence to wear a dress.  This does not mean that I have not owned them, I just never had the confidence to wear them.  I tried on all my new clothes (2 dresses, a pair of jeans, 2 long sleeved shirts, a blouse, and a sweater) for my husband and the Ladies to see.  The Ladies, being sweet little things, were wowed by my clothes, exclaiming "Mommy you look beautiful!" or my favorite from Lady L "You look fabulous."  I felt it too.

For months I have looked at my grungy clothing in the mirror and thought "what happened?"  I own two or three nice shirts, zero pants that fit correctly, and found that the only long sleeve shirts that I have are my maternity shirts.  Despite knowing that I had lost weight I wasnt feeling too good about myself simply because I was still battling the "nothing fits!" stage.  When my mother told me she wanted to take me shopping I was dreading it.  I was happy at the thought of getting out the house and of having some time with her just the two of us, but I wasnt looking forward to the trying on of clothes I was in love with only to find they didnt fit me.  And to make matters worse Madam Flo made her appearance out of no where earlier this week.  Its never a good idea to go shopping while your vagina is falling out, or more accurately, your body is reminding you there is no baby in it and your last baby is now one and it is demanding you put a baby in it by bleeding profusely for 5 days (or in my case 3 because my Diva cup seems to shorten it which is awesome, yet another reason to go Diva).  I however sucked it up and agreed to it without ever letting her think I was worried or that I might bawl my eyes out.  Putting on a pair of size 12 jeans, the size my very tiny sister was wearing before she lost her baby weight, had me on cloud nine.  Being about to cruise past the larger sizes, and not even think to grab a size XL for shirts was amazing.  In fact I only got two items that were an XL, my sweater (because I like my sweaters a little looser) and my blouse (because Ive got big boobs for now, sadly they will deflate when Sir E no longer wants momma milk).  That is amazing for me.  I happen to be a large in shirts solely because I am big breasted, even at my thinnest, my breast were busting in a medium.  I think once Sir E is done nursing and I can really hit it hard at working out I will probably go down a cup size or two, which I wouldnt mind, but pretty sure the girls are gonna be a whole lot of saggy empty sacks...point is I might be able to wear a medium then.

I have to say I could have never made it to this point if it weren't for my Whole30/Paleo lifestyle.  As of late I have been incredibly relaxed with my eating and Ive been paying for it.  I've bloated, I've had migraines, and my mood has not been pleasant at all times, but I'm trying to get back to where I should be.  Life gets busy and some times its just easier to take a little break.  The fact that I havent been eating healthy and was still able to fit into size 12s is awesome.  I cant wait until I am complaining that they are falling off! 

For anyone struggling with their weight or any health issues I am telling It Starts With Food.  Live by that saying and that book.  The changes are so amazing I cant even begin to tell you.  When I eat right, everything changes.  I drop weight like I drop glass objects (which is a lot and with ease), my thyroid immediately evens out and starts to lower on its own until I am taking too much of my medication.  I can sleep without waking constantly through the night, I wake up early on my own and want to get up!  Even the tumors on my nerve in my back seem to ease up in pain.  Its a wonderful thing.  Try it, you just might be amazed!

Little Girls

When I first found out that Lady G was going to be a girl, I was terrified.  I knew nothing about little girls.  I had always been a tom boy, a guys girl.  I liked playing in the dirt, wearing overalls, refusing to conform a wear anything but a sports bra until I was nearly sixteen (I developed breast in the third grade as an fyi).  My favorite color was not pink, pink was not in my wardrobe.  It wasn't until the ninth grade that I started wearing make up (my cousin dolled me up at the end of gym class one day) and doing girly things wasn't an interest.  I told people not to get me pink things for her.  I didnt want pink to be her color.  I said no to the big bows, no to the pink, no to everything the screamed IT'S A GIRL!  And then she came.  She was pink all over, soft skin, gorgeous big eyes, and though I said no to laying her on my stomach, she was laid right there on top of me.  She looked right up at me and smiled. 

I was terrified to touch her.  After all the nurses had left I stared at her in her little plastic bed and asked my mother if I could hold her.  My mother laughed and told me "Yes!  She is yours!  You can do whatever you want with her."  From then on out my world became pink.  I still didnt over do it like some mothers do.  Occasionally she had the headband with the bow, but it was never over the top.  We pierced her ears and I snuggled her close at night enjoying her sweet smell, her soft little pink skin, and those gorgeous big eyes.

As she grew she acted like most toddlers.  Any toy was a fun toy.  We collected pink toys over the years and pink blankets.  Our home was slowly filled with things that screamed girl, but it was also filled with toys that screamed child.  She had legos galore of which she loved.  She had books in all shapes and sizes.  Over time she began to request Hot Wheels to which she loved as well.  When Lady L came I didnt bother to say no pink.  We where given a pink bath tub (which Sir E used too).  Lady L loved all her sisters old toys but as soon as she was old enough to pointed and bounce up and down she wanted the Hot Wheels.  She loves her cars so much she even refuses to share them at times with her siblings.

As Lady G continued on her path of growing into a little person her likes kept changing.  The little girl I had tried so hard to keep pink from now demanded it.  Dress up clothes in pinks and purple, princess wands and crowns, it all had to be hers.  Minni Mouse was her idol as well as every Disney Princess known to man.  She wanted me to fix her hair, to put her in dresses, and buy Hello Kitty.  Her love of girly things grew and grew.  Baby dolls, barbie dolls, a doll house, and clothes for her babies.  She had turned into a little girl full blown and it seemed like it happened over night.

Lady L has followed suit though her love for her dear Hot Wheels has never waved.  She now wants to play mommy like sissy and dress up to be a princess.  They both often ask me "Do I look pretty?" once they have dolled themselves up.  I tell them yes very pretty. 

But dont let the pink and purple fool you, do not let the glittery shirts blind you, they are more than just pretty little things.  The go out in the backyard only to return caked in mud.  They dig for buried treasure, hunt for deer like daddy, and as of late have been requesting toy guns.  They wear their pink safari hats with pride as they walk about the yard on an adventure, The Beast in tow of course.  They fall, they get bumps and bruises, scrapes and cuts, they roll around with each other, tackle one another to the floor, squealing with glee.  They are rough and tough little things.  They are my sweet little girls and I would not trade them for the world.

Inquisitive Children

I have a distaste for small inquisitive children (this includes my own) and here is why.  While working on my book ( and I am using this term VERY loosely as I have yet to decide if I am going to fully commit to it this time or if I am simply airing out the creative pipes) sweet Lady G awakes from her nap.  This is fine, she is drowsy still and interested in tv on the couch while her sister and brother continue to snooze.  I pop a head phone in and get back to work.  Soon I become aware of a tiny person talking.  She needs a snack.  OK, raisins it is.  I have barely managed to sit back down before she needs a drink.  OK, water here ya go.  Then she informs me when she is done with her snack she would like to work on her writing stuff.  OK OK cool, eat your snack.  Snack consumed and she seems to have forgotten about her penmanship.  Awesome.  It's really flowing now, those creative juices that I often put on hold in order to care for the tiny people in my life.  The bliss doesn't last as she comes up saying "OK I'm ready"  So I pull out her notebook and get her set up next to me.  I'm thinking she'll write and I'll write, it will be a glorious bonding moment.  First she needed to know what letter came first...A kid, A.  That clearly became a pattern, along with, "How do we do that one again?" and "Look at this one, this one is a little fancy" and of course the high fiving all while I am trying to throw my mind into full blown teenage romance deciding all the way or just close to...  Now I cant even talk dirty, so thinking dirty, picturing it, then having to describe it is pretty much causing my own cheeks to flush along with this fictional character and now I have my 4 year old sitting next to me.  I barely got a few lines down before Lady L, my sweet little 2 year old walks in.  At this point I just closed the computer.  Of course once Sir E awoke it was easier to get back to work.  He hung out in their room and they all played (for the most part) together happily.  I love writing, its part of the reason I started this blog to begin with.  I'm a good writer, I dont know if I'm best selling author good, but I'm good.  Aside from being a mom I've only ever wanted to be a writer and I know one day that dream will come true, but for now I have to put it on hold a lot.  I have three children, two at home with me during the day, a house to care for, and a husband who bust his butt daily for us.  As much as I would love to be able to put everything on hold and completely throw myself into this, I can't and I'm actually ok with that.  And for the record I love my kids and though it may drive me mad some times I love their inquisitive nature. 

On a completely unrelated note, it occurred to me moments ago that I keep my right pinkie held above the others when using my right hand.  It is as if I am at high tea at all times.  Let that just soak in for a little bit.

Thanksgiving.

Its been a bit since I have posted.  Life has of course been busy.  I haven't been working out daily nor have I been eating like I should.  I realized yesterday while we were in a rush for church that the sugar dragon had not only crept up on me, but it had consumed me.  I was short tempered, I haven't been able to fall asleep nor have I been able to get up.  I snapped at Lady G and still feel bad about it.  That child is so amazing and she didn't deserve for me to snap at her.  I've also been short with sweet Lady L who has picked up on my stress and been giving me tons of random hugs and kisses through the day.  Not getting a job is really starting to wear me down.  I know its all in God's hands and he will see us through as he always does.  It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am failing my family.  B has done nothing but work himself down to the bone.  He has been picking up over time as much as he can to help us out for the new part of the year.  We wont be getting BAH like normal because of the long Christmas break so rent and three large bills have to come out of pocket for January and February.  Its part of the reason why my diet is suffering.  Ive had to make cut backs on food, meaning Ive had to buy things like bread for sandwiches (to make sure the Ladies stay full after lunch to avoid snacks after nap time and for B's lunch), processed deli meat, canned/frozen veggies, its depressing me.  I would love to get a job, or even get my foot in the door.  Though I cant work weekends right away, starting in March I could swing a babysitter for two Saturdays out of the month, of course unless I can actually get an interview, there is no way for them to know that.  I try very hard not to think about the fact that I cant seem to catch a break.  I know its mu work schedule that holds people back from hiring me.  I know it has nothing to do with me personally.  I have experience, plenty, and am a very hard worker.  I know these things to be true, so I decided it was time that I take a step back and be thankful for everything that we do have.

I have a roof over my head.  I have three wonderful children who love and adore me.  I have a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for his family.  I have food in my fridge, gas in my car, and food in all the tiny (or not so tiny) tummies in the house.  My children are happy, healthy, and more of a blessing than I could have ever imagined.  I have faith, stronger than ever before, in the Lord.  I have found an amazing church that I am willing to call home.  I have friends who care about me, who listen to me, and who are there for me.  I have a family to fall back on.  I have a family who stands besides me through all my choices in life and who are willing to do just about anything for my little family.  I have clothes.  My children have clothes and warm beds to sleep in.  We are safe, we are not running, or hiding from anything.  We are strong and we will get through anything and everything that is put in our way.  We are happy.  I am thankful for everything God has blessed me with.   

Email

I have been checking my email every day since Saturday.  That may not seem like a long time to be checking it, but since I rarely check it, its a big increase for me.  I'm not waiting on some confirmation email on something I ordered nor am I checking for deals from the few websites I have newsletters set up with.  I am waiting for one email, just one, that states I am being considered for a job.  Now I know it is foolish of me to assume that my application has some how soared to the top of the list, that is has been checked, that my references have been called, and my work history pulled.  I know that it is crazy of me to think that in just three short days they have already gathered all they need and are sending out an email to me, but I'm still checking, I'm still praying, I am still being let down when I see nothing. 

I never thought I would be here.  I never thought I would be waiting for a call or email that would let me know I have "made the cut" and am being considered.  How can they possibly tell who I am through an online application?  How can they get a feel for me through the clicks of a computer?  Are they judging me?  Wondering what I have been doing for the past 4 to 5 years that I would have no work history?  Do they think my work schedule that I have chosen is by choice or do they think because it is so specific that there has to be a reasoning behind it?  These are all things I could have written in on a store application or simply told the manager while turning it in.  I could have talked myself up to the manager, made myself memorable.  I could go in every day to the manager, make small talk, see the status of my application, but online, online they dont know who I am or why I need this job so desperately.  To them I am just another number in the many stacks of applications that they get.

It has become apparent to myself and B that we are at a point I thought we would never reach.  In all honesty I dont think he ever saw us being here either.  We have come to a point where me not working isn't a great option.  We have come to the point to where I have almost no choice but to find a job or watch us keep slowly going under.  In a few months, some of our financial burden will be lifted.  We will be able to pay off two very large debts (or close) and be left with one.  That one will be paid by his BAH, but we will only have a few short months to get it paid off.  After the middle of May we will no longer get BAH until the end of August.  His BAH pays for three bills and the rent.  We can pay rent out of his regular pay check, doing it this way just happened to help us out a little more.  But with BAH gone we will have to some how make it all work.  We may still have one large bill to add to our others.  Now I am a smart woman.  I pay our insurance as far out as it will let me, which is 6 months.  Had our insurance not come back, we would be a little better off.  Thats 114 extra dollars out of his pay check now.  I will again next March pay it through to 6 months.  It will be a relief for a few short months until this other bill is no longer paid by BAH.  Buying groceries will become a struggle.  Currently I am working on getting our grocery bill down and I am slowly getting there, hopefully by then I will be able to have it to a nice small bill that will allow us some breathing room.  Our gas bill for the van will go down since Lady G will be out of school.  I will probably be able to make it a whole month on one tank of gas.  But even with us cutting corners, our heads will still be barely be above water, unless I get a job.

I tried all summer.  I tried and tried, even had an interview, but the moment I said I cant work weekends, that was it.  I would explain my husband works weekends I have to be home with our children.  I was shocked at the comments of "Cant you get a babysitter?" or "Don't you have family who can watch them?".  First off I am trying to get a job, the fact that I have been home with my children for four years and am now desperately seeking employment should be an indication that no I can not get a babysitter.  As for my family I would never want to change that relationship my children have with their grandparents.  I would never want it to change from a fun, free, happy relationship, to a caregiver relationship and sadly it has been there before.  I do not wish it to go back.  Now if I could get hired and have a few paychecks in my bank account, things could change.  Maybe I could be able to afford a babysitter.  Maybe on a weekend that my mother took the kids I could pull a double, but I'm never given that chance.  I have started to see why so many mothers struggle with getting on their feet or helping to support their families, not a lot of businesses are willing to bend the rules.

I am both excited about the prospect of getting a job and completely saddened by it.  For five years I have been a homemaker.  For four of those five years I have been a mother.  I have had my husband's clothes cleaned and put away for him.  I have had dinner ready and waiting.  I have gone with him to appointments, waited during surgeries, cared for him when he was sick, and stayed up into the late hours with him simply to be close to him.  I have made sure his house is always clean.  I have cooked for his friends, made them feel welcome and informed them when they were overstepping their boundaries.  I have been a mother.  I have held my children when they were sick, when they were hurt, or simply when they needed to know I still love them.  I have colored with them, painted with them, bathed them, fed them, and kissed them whether they wanted it or not.  I have stared at them sleeping, cried with them out of frustration, been there for first steps, first falls, first laughs, and many more.  I have been their entire world for their entire lives.  To think that I will not be there as much breaks my heart.  I knew one day I would get a job, but I never knew it would need to be when I still had a baby at home and a toddler about to head to school.  I do not want to leave my sweet babies.  I do not want to hear them cry as I walk out the door, begging me not to go, clinging to me.  I do not want them to think that I am leaving them by choice, because if I had a choice, I would stay home with them.  I am however excited.  I can finally take some of the burden off of B.  I can do as I have always done and take care of my family, just in a new way.  My family needs me and I need to be there for them.  I am trying.  I am praying, and I am checking my email.

Recipes, Hoarding, Oh My.

So B has had the computer since Tuesday.  He had a ton of homework to do, he also stole it from me this morning and took it to school, so we are just going to make this post be an all in one type of thing.  First up RECIPES!

I have made this pumpkin roll recipe 3 times now.  It is amazing.  I craved pumpkin like a mad animal when I was pregnant with Sir E.  I HATE (hated) pumpkin.  My sister brought a pumpkin roll to my moms and my gosh I was hooked.  So this year I decided to make my own.  Of course you know it had to be Paleo.  This recipe is grain free, dairy free, and refined sugar free.  I dont actually follow the recipe to the exact because I have been out of coconut flour!  I used Bob's RedMill Gluten free flour.  I have to say I love that man and his company.  I also did not make it dairy free.  There are two options for making the filling and I didnt have any organic coconut milk.  If you are going to make the coconut filling make sure you get organic, the fat content is so much better.  Here are a few fun pictures of the cooking process!

 After its all mixed together this is pretty much how it looks spread out.  I wished that I had a picture when first making because I had no idea what I was doing so here you go!

 My little cooking buddy!  Sir E making a mess.

 This is how it looks after its been cooked, rolled, and chilled.  You will notice some cracks, thats ok.

 This is whipped.  Some people have no idea what whipped looks like.  To help out a little let your butter and cream cheese (if using that version) sit out to soften.

Now its all ready to be re-rolled!

I dont have a picture of the end product, but you can enjoy a picture of Sir E chowing down.  Boy loves his pumpkin!

Here's Lady L admiring her lunch.  She had to eat everything else first before she could have the pumpkin roll.

Recipe here:

http://www.primallyinspired.com/no-grains-no-dairy-no-refined-sugar-pumpkin-roll/

Next up is tonights dinner.  We had Grain Free Nacho Pie.  Sounds different right?  It does contain dairy which we typically keep out, but this recipe is made with cauliflower which needs help flavor wise, so I went for it.  It was really good.

 Cauliflower rice.  It should be about the same constancy as rice, hence the name cauli-rice.

 I make my own taco seasoning.  Much more healthier for you and I can cut out the middle man.  You should have all these spices in your kitchen and if not well its time to add some spice to your life!

1 Tbsp chili powder
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp paprika
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes

I got it from the dailymom.com, I recommend you check her out!  I also leave out the red pepper flakes and only do a teaspoon of the cumin, dulls down the spice a little.  B isnt a huge fan of spice.  Mix it up and add 2/3 cups of water!  I mixed mine with the water this time around.

You add the meat then the cauliflower mixture.

 And this is the end result.  We topped it is salsa, black olives and avocados.  B also had sour cream on his and extra cheese.

Recipe Here:

http://beautyandthefoodie.com/grain-free-nacho-pot-pie/

Now as of late I have been watching a lot of Hoarders in the morning time.  It always puts me in a cleaning mood, in fact if you lose your motivation watch that show.  Anyways, that show as well as a lot of photos I have been looking at as of late has cause me to think that maybe its time we talk about cleaning your freaking house!  Come on people!  Now I know not everyone has time to keep a tidy house so for all you working families, just skip this rant.  In fact go put your feet up, turn on the DVR get caught up on your shows and come back in like 5 minutes.  For the rest of you (yes I am calling out stay at home parents here) what the crap is wrong with you?  I can see a pile of freaking trash right behind your child which is suppose to be the main focus!  And its not like the photo is captioned "Cleaning up this nasty house and kiddo is proud to help" No, its captioned "First day of school!" or "Growing up so fast!".  I can see freaking trash!  I can see a clear pile of crap just sitting there and whats worse is I can also see its not in just this one freaking area!  I can see into your kitchen!  No way do you not have roaches!  And dont give me this bull crap of "my house is lived in" or "Im too busy enjoying my family to clean", no your too lazy or you just dont give a flying flip and want to live in filth.  Unless I have been sick or carrying for sick kiddos, there is not a time of day, week, month, or year that you could not come by my house.  Why?  Because its always clean.  Aside from the bathroom, 4 potty trained people with one bathroom...we are lucky I still clean it...since its only me who cleans it.  You have one bathroom you share with others, I get it, you get a small get out of jail free card, and here is why its small.  Does it look like maybe its getting time to scrub the toliet or like you havent touched it...ever.  Same goes for the sink and the tub.  I wont lie, my tub has me looking like the worlds biggest hypocrite right now.  There appears to be a brown ring around the bottom, but Lady G had to have an oatmeal bath tonight for her dry skin, so its from the oatmeal.  Tomorrow while Sir E is napping, I will head in there and start scrubbing.  Do you know how many people wouldnt even bother?  Gross, just freaking gross.  Take pride in your home!  Clean it!  Im not saying dust it daily, hell I dont even dust daily, but I do weekly (though you couldnt tell damn swiffer duster just isnt cutting it...), sweep your floors, mop every once in a while, and clean up your freaking junk!  And just to show you that I can put my money were my mouth is I did a little before and after work and am still doing some work.  There are some places in our home that becomes cluttered easily or that has been junked up since I unpacked.  Mainly closets and I have been working on them slowly. 

This is our closet.  See how easy it is to just throw stuff on the floor?  It looks horrible and is a very easy fix.  Now if you have a husband, you will find he likes to make his own hamper, the bedroom floor, right in front of the hamper, the bathroom floor, occasionally the living room floor, pretty much any spot he takes it off, it stays.

Look how freaking easy that was.  The belts I dont like, but we dont have the room for them to hang so there ya go.  But still it looks so much better and all I did was put the dirty clothes in the hamper.  Aside from laundry day your floor should be clear of clothes.  Teach your husband or nag him til he caves ladies.

 Please note that I allowed things to get like this for the purpose of this blog.  The picture above is of the vanity in our room.  It holds the printer and the junk mail waiting to be shredded.  Now thanks to Sir E the mail I had sitting on top of the shredder is now all over the floor...Thanks son.  This vanity does get junked up pretty easy, but over several weeks and I try to clean it off weekly to prevent this.

 This called an I Love Me box.  It holds all of our important documents and again thanks to Sir looks like this.  Also note the messy dresser.  That is an incredibly easy fix.  Proper folding and always closing the draws can make a huge clutter difference.

 Here is the after.  Sir E was making his kind of music with the pen.  Also note the shredded paper on the floor, he kept pulling the shredder down.  Its actually still like that.  Our vacuum and I arent seeing eye to eye right now.  It likes to make this screaming sound when I turn it on...

Here is the after of the box.  Note the dresser too.

 This is kind of how our bathroom usually looks.  The brushes and straightener are put up, but the wash clothes are usually there for dirty faces and hands (they get changed out daily) and its a little unorganized, nothing horrible.

 This thing was a nightmare.  

 But after some worked is now organized.

 Of course after fixing one mess I created another.

 That is much better.

 This was Sir E's dresser.  It doesnt get that badly cluttered, but for the purpose of this blog it did. 

 This is about how it usually looks, maybe with some clean clothes that have yet to be put away if I folded clothes during nap time.

This is also how we store clothe diapers to keep the clutter down.  I will be doing a post on cloth pretty soon.

Now all that cleaning took me about 2 and half ours total.  I did do it with an 11 month old "helping" and while caring for a 2 year old who loves to come and ask question or tell stories that have me wondering if her father may have dropped her and never told me...anyways,  it can be done.  It can be done easier during nap time, but it can be done.  I will be adding pictures here and there as I clean up others areas of the house to show you guys.  Cleaning is so important, please clean up your crappy house or start taking picture outside because I swear if I see one more filthy house I'm going to mail you cleaning products at random until you get the hint.

Oh Snaps.

Kids seriously say the darnedest things.  As of late Lady G says Oh Snaps and can you turn the juice down.  Oh and of course, you crack me up.  Lady L is in the habit of calling people pinecones when they make her mad.  As hilarious as it is, I still have to get onto her.  Sir E is in the lalalala mode.  He does this weird thing with his tongue and when I do it back oh the giggles that erupt.  He is also really into helping me.  For instances today he climbed into the laundry basket of clean towels and threw them all on the floor in an attempt to help me fold.  All I could think was thank goodness I mopped yesterday.  He also likes to help me cook by either ramming into me and the dog water while in his walker or by opening cabinets and emptying them.  He also likes to try and clean out the cat box...thankfully its not as gross as what you are thinking.  He has grasped the word no very well.  Speaking of Sir E, allow me to discuss momdar, or mom radar.  It is the ability a baby has to sense a mother entering the force...  Example:  Your sweet baby is playing peaceful on their own in their bedroom.  You walk by the door, busying yourself with housework while you have the chance.  Your sweet one freezes, turns, and follows you though they didnt see you, didnt hear you, had no idea you were there.  Thankfully for toddlers and older children they have to actually catch a glimpse of you before theirs works and then they tend to wonder around trying to find you vs hunting you down like a hound who has caught onto your scent.  This happened to me today.  Sir E was playing in the Ladies room.  His back was too me, but the moment I passed the doorway and entered my bedroom (our of sight) I hear it "mum mum mum mum".  He was distracted by something which allowed me to separate clothes, but soon he was back on the trail.  Momdar came to mind.

My weekend was horrible.  B and I came down with the stomach virus going around at about 330 am Friday morning.  I only threw up once, but B and his poor digestive health had to head to the ER.  He even stayed home from work Saturday which always has him in a self loathing mood.  He beats himself up for staying home even when there was no way he could have been productive.  Thankfully my glorious mother came Friday night and took the Ladies with her.  Sir E went to bed shortly after she left and B and I enjoyed some much needed sleep...until he started getting up from stomach pains again.  He never got sick, but kept getting up which woke me up.  Aside from being tired and having a migraine I felt fine.  My mom kept the Ladies another night and by Sunday morning I felt wonderful.  Had an amazing time at church and then came home.  The Beast tore a hole in my couch cushion.  I was livid.  Still am actually.  I had gotten him this huge bone the day before.  It was something that I knew would keep him busy all day and yet...it was untouched.  This dog has slowly started to tear up my house and I swear I will go and buy an extra large dog kennel in a heart beat and he can sit in there and suffer while I am gone.  We had a staffordshire when we lived in NY and he had to stay in a kennel.  I dont even want to tell you the things that dog ate...  I know the Beast loves the chew, but when I give him a bone and he chooses my couch over the bone...he better just be happy this couch is on its last leg anyways.  I would love to be able to leave him outside when Im gone for long periods, but since he helped our neighbors dog escape into our backyard, I cant leave him for more then 30 minutes or so.  Drives me nuts.  After I gained some control I left to go pick up the Ladies.  I was gone for a lot longer than intended, but thankfully when B got home he hadnt chewed up anything else.

While at my mothers, I weighed myself.  Oh snaps.  I have lost weight.  I can actually wear her jeans and they are loose on me!  She obviously has smaller jeans then I do so the fact that they were loose made my day.  I was going to try and weight until I was the in 160 range before I got new jeans.  I'm pretty sure my hips will be at their thinnest then.  Even without all the fat on them, I dont see me fitting into anything smaller than a size 10.  I'm telling you I have HUGE hip bones.  I am now officially pregnancy weight with Sir E.  I was around about 175 when I got pregnant with Lady L so we still have about 7 lbs to go there.  Either way huge win.  I have been bad lately and have had a lot of sugar.  I cant even tell you why I have been eating it.  My stomach hurts so bad afterwards.  I worked out today, it was tiring, but the Ladies came and joined me which was wonderful.  I loved watching them try to work out with me.  I took it easy though I kept it at a level 2 work out, I just didn't push myself too hard.  I felt great afterwards.  I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow, though we shall see how my body feels about it.  I'm not taking a picture this week of me in my workout clothes before I haven't had a full week of working out.  I'm hoping to be able to see results through the weekly photos.  I'm also hoping it keeps me motivated by having to bare it all.

Speaking of baring it all I hope you all realize that I am completely opening myself up here.  I'm doing this to show my friends that being healthy it possible.  I am also doing this for myself.  I'm trying to strip myself of this shy, timid self, and become open, honest, and strong.  Good luck to me.

If I seemed a little scattered towards the end its due to Lady G coming and joining me on the couch.  She is doing ABC Mouse, asking questions and now sounding out letters.  Its wonderful but distracting.

Work Work, Work It Out

First off it occurred to me today while I was getting house work done that I should do a blog series on cleaning and organizing.  I think people seem to think that I am perfect (or think I think I'm perfect) which is so far from the truth.  I think opening up my house so to speak for the "world" to see could be a good thing.  I also have been on an organizing binge which is partly caused by my awesome diet (seriously you clean up your diet and you find you want to clean up other aspects of your life too), the other part is due to our small house.  If we let it get too cluttered its like being on top of each other and it sucks.  I'll go into all this some more either tomorrow or next week.  Heading to my parents house tomorrow afternoon and I may not being to get a post up. 

This was taken yesterday.  The bathroom was a wreck (floor wise anyways), B was in the shower behind me, and I was in a hurry to get Lady G, but I took a moment to snap this picture.  It was rainy yesterday so my hair looks a mess, but I felt awesome.  Do you want to know why?

Thats why!  Look at that GAP!  My pants dont stay up well, however if I can get them pulled up to my belly button and wear my boots, they sorta stay in place.  Now take a look at my belly.  Isn't that lovely.  I have lots of stretch marks which at some point you guys will get to see full force.  I have some before photos will be posted at the end of this month or the end of next.  These pants are a size 16 and the stretch kind.  When I bought them back in March maybe, but they were a little tight, so this is a huge win for me.

Like I said Work It Out!  I bought these back in March (maybe?) too.  I didnt fit into them like this.  In fact I looked much much worse.  I even had to tie them today!  I did a light work out this morning and its a good thing I didnt do a full force work out.  Oh my gosh, my legs felt weak and shaky, in fact my whole body felt that way.  I was STARVING when I woke up.  I havent been listening to my body very well and am suffering for it.  I needed fat yesterday and this morning trying to work out I felt the lack of it in my system.  I did break a very small sweat, but over all didnt really feel the work out like I would have had I done a harder one.  Tomorrow Im going to give it all Ive got.  Hopefully I wont feel so weak during it.  For anyone who wants to throw in the excuse of "I dont have a gym/cant afford it" or "my kids get in the way", thats crap.  I get up an hour before my kids.  I also go to bed an hour after my kids (two hours after Sir E).  I dont use a gym.  There are TONS of workout videos you can do at home as well as a TON of online ones too.  And when the Ladies do interrupt, I let them joy in!  Lady L came into the living room as I was finishing.  She had just woken up, looked at me stretching and said "Phew, that was a great work out mamma."  I often let her join in on yoga with me (when I do it which hasnt been a lot lately).  She likes to do her version of a pushup/jumping jacks too.  She gets in some exercise as well as some momma time, and I can get my work out done.  As for weights, I use 3 lb weights, they aren't expensive and get the job done (I'm not trying to be a weight lifter here).  You dont need super heavy weights just starting out.  Now once I get to my desired weight, then I might up the weights, but for now they work and they weren't expensive at all.  We have hard floors, so B and I did invest in some nice yoga mats, but again that's not needed.  If you have carpet you're golden otherwise you can use a towel or blanket.  Excuses are not an option.  If you want to change you have to make yourself do it.

My last picture.  These are a 16 wide.  They seriously fall of me.  I have no idea how I even keep them on.  This is part of the reason I eat the way I do and part of the reason I work on my body.  My body is a never ending project.  It will never be perfect (see that belly?) but it will be healthy and in shape because I am determined.  I also need new underwear, because well they just kind of fall off too.  I can also for see a need to get my ring resized in the next few months... 

Now if you all will excuse me I have a fussy baby who has two teeth coming in, refusing a nap, and I still need to shower for the day.  Yea thats gross.

"We've got a sick kid in here!"

The above title are the exact words Lady G yelled yesterday as a Lady L began vomiting up oatmeal from the morning.  It was 245 in the afternoon, we had just walked in the door and I was taking a bite out of a cookie.  I managed to grab a trash can and catch the rest.  She had been off all day and complained of her tummy hurting on and off.  I myself was tired and having some tummy troubles as well.  Lady L fell asleep by 11 and slept til 1.  She came and laid on the couch with me until it was time to get Lady G from school.  She never complained of her stomach hurting after her nap, but in the car she was pale and tired looking.  I had managed to give her a strong dose of elderberry in the morning and I think thats what helped her make it so long before it all came up.  After she threw up it was like a whole new kid.  I made her lay in bed for a while and watch (can ya guess?) Frozen.  She was fine for the rest of the night, though I could feel a small fever hanging on to her.  She still had it this morning.  I gave her and Lady G another huge dose of elderberry.  I tell ya this stuff is amazing.  I make B take it daily and since getting him to take it I have noticed a huge difference.  I sadly was a little bad and not giving the Ladies a good dose daily of the elderberry which is how Lady L caught a mild version of this stomach bug going around.  She isnt around children except on Sundays at church.  I'm sure she got it from her little buddy.  I feel bad for that little girl, knowing that she must be having a much harder time than Lady L.  Both Ladies had another big dose of elderberry this morning and we are officially out (of the liquid form that is).  I'll have to get more tomorrow.  I also gave Lady G some cough medicine this morning.  I meant to yesterday and forgot so of course her cough was worse.  The great thing about this Chestol though is it knocks a cough out like no other.  B and I were having horrible congestion coughs and dry coughs, took one dose and man what a difference and you are suppose to take it every 2 hours.  Its amazing stuff.  If I seemed scattered brained its because Im watching Hoarding. 

Maybe I can get this part written without too much all over the place.  The purpose of this blog post is just to once again go over some alternative medicines for you guys.  Elderberry, I think I preach this one more than any other.  How many Walking Dead fans do we have out there reading this?  Remember the season when they were being plagued with the flu?  What did Hershel go out and gather?  Elderberry.  It is a natural flu fighter.  Its an immune system booster.  It is amazing.  The moment flu season comes around (so typically about a week before Lady G starts school) we start daily doses of elderberry.  No flu in this house.  Usually no stomach bugs either but Ive been a little slow this year.  Bad mom moment, I do have them.  When the Ladies do get stomach bugs, the effects are so much more milder.  Lady G was vomiting two weeks ago and though I cant be certain if it was the stomach bug or if it was just from the pizza we ate (I was feeling sick as well) once she got it all up she was fine.  A slight fever the next day, and of course the need to sleep, but she was fine.  Lady L threw up twice yesterday, once early in the morning with B (which he told me after he got home from work vs at 5 am when she got sick...) and then in the afternoon.  She is fine and enjoying her morning Daniel Tiger right now.  This stuff is amazing even if you dont start giving it to them until they get sick.

My next two things are olive leaf and echinacea.  Now typically I always recommend taking these two together since they work wonderfully together, however I am currently having B take two echinacea daily in hopes of it helping him out with his morning mucus.  While elderberry is amazing, I cant say that it gets us over the common cold.  When someone gets a sniffle, its time for olive leaf and echinacea.  Olive leaf is another great immune system booster, it promotes healthy blood pressure, supports the cardiovascular system, and helps boost up the energy you lose while sick.  We seem to get over the common cold a lot faster with this stuff especially when we add in the echinacea.  Ehinacea dries up the mucus.  Sir E was struggling pretty bad with a cold and I was giving him the highest dose I could three times daily.  After about three days of this he finally started drying up.  I was getting worried due to it sounding like it moved to his chest.  Thankfully it was just all the mucus breaking up.  I even used it with a Pom we use to have who had horrible allergies and would get snot balls that she coughed up.  Helped wonders.  I will say if nursing it is not advised.  I would assume from the worry of it drying up your milk (I didnt inquire as to why, but I asked our Alternative Medicines Doctor), but if you are wanting to take it in hopes of passing it to your little one they do make it in a drop form that works for under 12 months.  I actually think that the one I have goes all the way down to newborn.  Any time Sir E wakes with a yellow runny nose, I give it to him and its gone by the afternoon.  The Ladies also have some mixed with elderberry that I give them for colds.  If pregnant I would ask the owner of the store you are buying it from.  Most Modern Medicine doctors have no clue and will advise against it.  If taking it drink lots of fluids as you should if sick anyways, but this stuff dries you up so drink drink drink.

You also need a good respiratory health support.  The one we have supports bronchial, lung, and sinus.  People get busy, you put off taking care of the signs of colds and before you know it you wake up hacking up a lung.  Now what?  You pull out the big guns.  Keep doing your elderberry of course *wink* but drop the olive leaf/echinacea and start on your respiratory support.  I love ours.  I am fairly certain I had managed to pick up bronchitis last year.  I was ready to go to the doctor it was getting so bad, but as a last ditch effort I headed to the Natural Food Store and the wonderful lady there gave me the miracle I needed.  Now due to my thyroid medications I have to wait at least 4 hours before taking "natural supplements".  It was recommended to take this 4 times daily so I had to squeeze in the fourth one a few hours after the third.  After about three days I could breath again, my chest didnt hurt, and I had energy.  A few weeks ago when the weather was playing hot and cold B and I got sick.  I had him taking this stuff and he cleared up pretty quickly from it too.  Some times you just need something a little stronger so its always a good idea to have in a good heavy duty respiratory support.  Its ok if its a little more expensive because most likely you wont be taking it all the time.  Its your back up remember, for when life gets in the way.

After all that I'm sure you are wondering what could you possibly still need?  Cough!  We all get little coughs, dry coughs, congested coughs, allergy coughs, cough cough cough.  Yuck.  So you need a good cough remedy.  I recommend something like Chestol.  It is honey based and works wonders.  Breaks up all the gunk and helps you get it up and out.  It knocks out the cough for Lady G every time, and even after we had her tonsils removed and got her over the infection causing their engorgement, shes still prone to coughs.  When she was 2 months she got her first ear infection, at 4 months bronchitis, 6 months a virus in her lungs, 9 months an ear infection, and 10 months bronchitis again.  We lived in New York and I think it was just a lot for her to handle.  It was also before I had this great of an understanding of Alternative Medicine.  I am fairly certain all of that is what caused her weaker immune system.  So having all the knowledge I do now, I keep a good cough medicine in the house.  Chestol is the first one I found that works this wonderfully.  Its amazing. 

Now I do feel I should touch upon skin health.  My sister sent me some pictures of my nephew this morning and though it was difficult to tell I am fairly certain he is having a bad eczema flare up.  I noticed on Lady G's hands last night that they were cracking, breaking out, and becoming inflamed as well.  She gets horrible eczema during the winter months and my sweet nephew tends to have flare ups too.  The root of eczema comes from the diet.  In order to "cure" it you need to change your diet.  What are my diet recommendations?  Whole30 of course.  Clean out your system, let it reboot and figure out from there whats causing it.  I would be willing to bet for most of you its dairy.  Since clearing dairy out of my system I dont have eczema flare ups anymore.  I do still get dry skin from my thyroid, but not eczema.  If I could take dairy our of Lady G's diet I think she would be so much better off, but alas I cant because of school.  We shall see whats going to happen with Lady L next year...  Anyways for those who arent going to change their diets here's what you need to have on hand for flare ups.  Vitamin E oil or lotion.  This will proved relief from itching and pain from cracking.  Once its no longer inflamed, shea butter is a good thick lotion to help the healing process continue.  We actually have a wonderful shea butter lotion that I just found at Kroger.  Its 10$ a bottle and in the baby section.  Its vegan and organic.  No added chemicals or anything you wouldnt want touching your sweet baby's bottom.  I love using it on Sir E and will be putting some on Lady G's hands and arms today.  We also had a great lavender soap last year that I found at Whole Foods.  My husband hated it because it tangles Lady G's hair horribly, but I loved it because it soothed their dry skin better than their lotion.  We ran out in the spring and I havent been able to make it back to Whole Foods since.

So now you know about skin health and some amazing Alternative medicines.    I simply have one more thing before I let you go.  Fluids.  Water is the number one of course, but lets not kid ourselves, water doesnt do much for a sore throat.  Herbal Teas are the next best thing.  Yogi has become my favorite brands of tea lately.  They have a wide variety of teas for symptoms so its easy to treat the symptoms.  Unless you are nursing or pregnant go for whatever kind you want, just keep it herbal.  Pick up some Raw or organic honey and add that to your tea if you need the sweet (its good for sore throats too) if you dont need the added sweet flavor, put in some coconut milk for fat.  From their juice.  I recommend this more for the kiddos, but adults can enjoy it too espically if you have had vomiting, some times a little juice is better than water or tea.  Of course there is a catch, when I say juice I mean the real deal.  If it doesnt have stuff floating in the bottom, put it back.  If you can find it, kombucha is a great thing.  Dont shake it.  Learned that one the hard way...

Well I hope you were able to make it through my ramblings and found some useful information.  Sir E has discovered the talking story books and is saying Ga Ga Ga over and over at hearing his grandparents voices.  Lady L has pulled out the Mickey book...I hate that book.

Body Image

Before I start what I hope to be an eye opening blog post, let me say that I had a wonderful and fulfilled morning at Church.  My faith in the Lord has never been as strong as what it is today.  I never lost faith, but I have been lost many times in the understanding of the way things are.  I no longer feel lost, but completely at home with this Church.  Those who know me, know that I suffer from anxiety over meeting new people.  To go to Church on my own without the security of  my husband was incredibly difficult.  Making myself do it has been one of the most rewarding things I have accomplished. 

The other day I read a blog post about the song "All About That Bass" and how it was sending the wrong message to our girls.  Essentially it was stating that the song sent the message that girls need the approval of men when it comes to their bodies.  I had never really looked at it that way and once I did I began to see another message that it and others like it were sending.  

I constantly see pictures of heavier women stating "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy" or "More to love" or even the simple "I embrace my curves".  You should love your body, no matter how you look.  My body is covered in scars both outwardly and inwardly.  I have scars from men who I thought cared for me, I have scars from years of falling on my face/knees/legs/back, you name it, it hit the floor or a surrounding object.  My stomach is covered in the scars of baring three children in three years.  I am wounded from some, healed from overs, but will forever be scared.  It is my life story written where some can see and others to look deeper.  I embrace that about myself.  What I do not embrace is this thought of fat being sexy.

There was a time when I was sexy.  I knew I was.  I had nice large breast, my stomach was flat, my hips were big, but not covered with a few layers of fat, my body was amazing.  I almost wish I had braved a bikini.  When B and I got married I weighed between 150-155.  I wore sexy outfits from Victoria Secrets, as well as bras and lacy underwear.  I loved for my husband to see me naked.  In fact there was a short time (before the boys at Fort Drum took over our house) that we barely wore clothes at all, in the middle of Northern New York winter.  I loved my body, my husband loved my body and that fueled me to show it off to the man I loved at all times.  Aside from my husband, sister, and mother, no one has seen me completely naked (well and my children).   Not even the doctors at the hospital when I delivered my children saw me completely naked.  I have kept my modest ways even when I wouldnt have minded the world catching a glimpse of me which is why I have no bikini pictures.  My body was sexy, smooth, and though covered in a few scars outwardly, it was something to look at.  It belonged on the cover of every magazine.  It belonged on billboards that said "Embrace your curves."  My body sent the right message.  I was the correct healthy weight for my BMI, and yet many labeled me as "large".

A few weeks ago when I weighed myself I was 186.  I have not weighed myself since, but will when I head to my mothers this week (we have no scale here).  I am fat.  I am overweight.  My stomach is slowly shrinking, but it will never be flat, no matter how hard I work at it.  My dear friend, who has lost all her baby weight and then some, described her belly as a deflated ball sack.  Mine is heading that way (Im slowly making it to the "darkside" girl!).  That will never change, no matter how much effect she and I put into making out tummies flat, it will never change.  Its skin, skin that was pulled out and stretched to accommodate our growing babies that we had so close in age.  Over time some will go back in place, but not all.  Thats fine with me.  Even with a saggy belly, my dear friend is Sexy again.  My hips are also slowly losing size.  Its most notable in my pants that love to slide down since there isnt as much left to hold them up.  I have big hips, always have.  Some like to call them birthing hips.  I like to call them daaaaaaamn hips.  They arent that way now, but slowly going back.  It takes time to get your body back to the way it was when you accepted less than perfect for so long.

Now by now some of you are probably slamming me, thinking that I am trying to fat people suck at life (I'm not), so let me tie this all together.  No one should aspire to be skinny.  People like me will never be labeled as skinny either and here is why, my bones are big.  They really are, my body build is larger than some of my tiny friends.  Ive always been labeled as large.  That label is bullshit.  I was not large.  I am now because I am covered in unneeded fat.  Lets face if the Zombie Apocalypse where to happen tomorrow, cardio is not my number 1 and my body is close to a Walkers Buffet, but give me some more time and I'll be able to prove that "large" isnt fat.  What all these magazines pushing skinny or fat arent telling you is that you should aspire to be healthy.  You should want to be at a healthy weight, you should want to eat healthy (which if youve followed me at all you know I dont mean bland, in fact if your food is bland you are doing it wrong).  Im not saying you should want to be decked out in muscles hitting the gym every day and could lift a small car unless thats how you want to look, either.  Im saying stop accepting the unhealthy version of you, get off your butt, drop the excuses, and drop all that unhealthy weight.  

The middle and last picture were taken today.  In the middle photo I am wearing leggings.  I havent worn those since before I had Lady L.  I couldnt fit into them.  The shirt I have on I havent worn since I had Sir E.  I hated how fat I looked in it.  Today I wore them together, feeling amazing because I could fit into those clothes without a bulge.  My hips were smoothed out, my tummy was smoothed out, and a few times I had to the pull the leggings up because they were slipping down.  My wedding ring is lose.  It hasnt been this lose since before Lady L.  My face looks thin.  Even my hands as I am typing look thinner to me.  I dont get winded going up stairs (with the exception of the church stairs but I am in a hurry as I run across the street and up three flights of stairs to get to sunday school.  The elevator terrifies me...).  I dont get winded chancing the girls around the back yard.  I love the body that I am creating.

What all these songs about having a big butt/hips, and all these signs about loving your curves are telling you is to settle.  Dont settle.  Take a minute to look at your body, just you.  Tell me, does it look healthy?  Go for run and tell me how long it takes you to get winded and have to stop.  Tell me how far you get before you just give up.  Tell me if you feel comfortable holding your panties up and letting everyone see how big they are, or even your jeans.  I dont feel comfortable doing that.  I look at how large they are and think "am I really that big?  have I really let myself become this?"  I watch my blood pressure at the doctors office and realize its higher than what it use to be.  I watched my thyroid prescription go higher and higher for 6 months before it finally stopped.  I've watched my face get swollen and greasy, and Ive watched my children get completely out of control from sugar.  Sugar.  Let that word sink in.  Sugar.  

Don't buy into the skinny side of this world either.  Being Photoshop isn't real.  Starving yourself to fit into size 2 jeans isn't real.  I will never be a size two.  Why?  Because my body isn't built for that.  I'll settle for a size 8 and even with that goal, my hips are probably still too big.  Every body is built differently and that is both amazing and horrible.  Some people really are born with the issue of weight but they can change that by changing how they view and eat their food.  Some people are born tiny and struggle with putting weight on which again will change when their food does.  I preach this to all of you on my facebook and out in the world.  Your food and your will is what will change you.  Aspire to have the perfect body!  Don't aspire to fall into the lie that people love to sell you. 

I am not happy with this body.  I want my sexy curves back.  I want to fit into a medium sized shirt and think wow.  I have a Hooters shirt that is a size small (my breast barely squeezed into that) and I have had it since B came home from basic.  I looked amazing in it.  I have kept it all these years because one day I am going to put it back on.  My goal weight is 140-145.  We will see if I look too skinny and if so you better believe I will trade my Kale chips for saturated fat, put my almond butter up and dive into a jar of nutella.  I will skip out on my healthy treats and let the refined sugar rain down upon my body, wrecking havoc, causing headaches, stomach aches, and bloating.  B will buy pregnancies test for me to take for my belly will look as though I have to be pregnant.  He will worry his vasectomy has reversed (which can happen fyi) and I will laugh telling him I had to gain some pounds.  I will stop the work outs, stop the yoga, and I will indulge.  Then after I have gained 5 or so pounds I will put it all down and go back to my healthy lifestyle.  I will embrace my curves, the real curves, not the fat that everyone keeps trying to convince you is healthy, but the curves under it.  I will do this.  I have faith in myself and I have faith that at some point all of you will wake up and listen to me.  It goes deeper than just the fat on your body, but today, today is about your body.

Nght Terrors are the Devil

As a mother of three night terrors are nothing new to me.  If you are a parent there is a pretty good chance you have experienced a night terror, and by you I mean you have witnessed your child having one.  If you haven't let me give you a little insight on what a night terror is vs a nightmare.  A nightmare is a dream.  While having this dream you may cry out and if someone could easily wake you.  You can also wake up on your own with the gripping terror still holding onto you.  A night terror is when you cant wake up.  If someone touches you it only tightens the dream state, causing you to panic even more.  Here is how a night terror can look: a seemingly asleep child scream as though they are in horrific pain, convulsions, shaking, non responsive, pupils not dilating, ect.  For a first time parent it is the most terrifying thing.  Lady G started having them around 10 months.  Her first one was while we were at my parents and it was awful.  After several more I figured out how to get her out if.  I simply gave her a paci and shhhhed her.  I did not touch her.  Touching for most children worsens it.  She out grew them around one and half two.  Lady L was next, around the same age.  Hers was heart breaking for me.  She would be screaming momma over and over again as if someone had ripped her from my arms.  I gave her a paci, shhhed her, and was able to rub her on the back.  I could not talk to either of the.  They would both either be standing in their cribs or sitting, never laying down.  Lady L grew out of it too, around 18 months.  Now we get to Sir E.  Last night he had a night terror.  I have never seen anything like it.  He was convulsing like he was having a seizure.  When I first saw him its what I thought, but his screaming told me it wasn't.  He was screaming as if he was in pain.  The way his arm was turned I thought he had to be in pain, but I didn't touch him.  I shhhed him, saying his name softly.  I still didn't touch him.  B came in took one look at him and picked him before I thought to tell him not too.  The screaming increased to a volume I didn't think he could reach.  B freaked out and handed him to me.  He got his paci and slowly Sir E calmed down.  I then had the hard part of waking him up.  Sir E is a heavy sleeper once he hits his deep sleep.  Nothing wakes him.  It took some doing but slowly we got him to come too.  He continued to convulse on and off.  He would randomly zone out and his body would go almost limb.  It was terrifying.  I was ready to take him to the ER thinking something more had to be wrong.  About the time I got the bag ready he suddenly came to fully.  His eyes lost the glaze and he was himself, an angry version of himself since he was confused as to why he was awake, but he was still himself.  We put him back to bed and B said it had to of been that bad because he picked him up.  He was probably right, but I didn't blame him for picking him up.  It was taking a lot for me not to pick him up too.

On the Whole30 front I have made it to day 9.  I feel pretty happy with myself for having made it 9 days.  I'm not really craving anything aside from chocolate, but I dont think that is something I will ever stop craving.  I also want some awesome beef jerky but alas my health food store didn't have any that was sugar free, it was all 2% or less.  I would love to make a Whole Foods run soon, but money is still tight.  We are working hard on changing that, but its never easy.  I have lately been thinking about getting a job at a gas station.  I could work nights, granted that's not the safest time to be working, but I told B I would carry my OC spray.  Point a gun in my face and I will fully unload that crap on you.  It would be nice to have some extra money though for bills or just to put back.  I know once we make it to next year when we get our taxes back life will go back to easy living.  I can pay off all our credit card debt and we can keep all the extra money from B's BAH and put it back.  When I think about it like that it makes me go whats the point of getting a job now?  Still though having two incomes would be nice.  I dont know though, more thought is required I suppose.  All  I have been for the past 4 years is a mom, I dont really know if I want to miss out on being a mom while they are still young and need me so much.  It would be a lot of work for B too which I know he never realizes when I say I'm thinking about getting a job.  All he sees is more money for us, not the part of him having to do dinner, bath, and bed time for all three kiddos.  I know he doesn't realize that his alone time would be gone and that his time for homework would be cut shorter.

Well I suppose I'm off.  I have dinner that needs to be started while the kiddos are playing I hope nicely in the Ladies room.

Life Goes On

I am on day for of my Whole30.  I had to restart...twice.  The first time was the day after my grandmothers funeral.  My mother had been cooking for so many people and though my sister and I tried to help when we could, she was just over cooking.  So we had pizza and salad.  Mine was at least gluten free.  I took a break the following day as we tried to get things back in order at home, and then proceeded to eat half a snickers bar the following night...and a small bag of chips.  Ive done pretty well though.  My sugar cravings are a little less each day.  The main point of the day that truly hits me is at night.  I want sugar so bad.  Last night I actually didn't have a snack other than a banana.  I was too tired to put an effort into making something, but needed a little something.  Ive been making this "ice cream" as a little dessert for myself.  Its been warmer than usually the past few days and Ive wanted something cool to eat.  All it contains is a frozen banana (I added some strawberries too), coconut milk, and vanilla.  Sooooo good.  The coconut milk gives me a little more fat too which is awesome.  Usually when the food cravings hit I go for a bowl of fruit with Almond Butter.  Helps to fill me up and helps with the sweet cravings.  I actually don't eat a lot of fruit during the day, just mainly once a day since I realized last time I was eating fruit all the time in place of the sugar.  Now I just eat it if I'm starving at night and to kill that crazy beast telling me I need chocolate. 

Since I'm only 4 days in I'm not noticing a lot of chances.  I have noticed that I just want to sleep the mornings away and that I have to push myself to get things done around the house, but once I get going I start to feel better.  I have noticed that the I'm not always starving like I was when I did the first one so many months ago, which is nice.  I have also noticed my body seems to be craving fish.  We cant afford much right now but I did buy some frozen wild caught salmon the other week and it was amazing.  I tried to make some salmon cakes today but canned salmon belch.

Ive been trying to make an effort in my appearance lately.  After B and I got married I stopped wearing contacts since that was something our insurance didn't cover.  I still wore make up most of the time, but not a lot and B always liked me without the crazy dark eyeliner I use to wear.  It completely brought out my eyes though.  After Lady G was born I didn't even bother, I didn't have time, but once she got older I started to wear it again, then Lady L came along.  Needless to say for the past 4 ish years I've only put makeup on when we were going some where nice and it was just the two of us.  The past few days though Ive been wearing it again.  Nothing like how I use to but, a little, as well as a necklace or earrings.  It makes me feel better about myself.  I would curl my hair too, but its in that in between stage of growing.  I was fixing Lady G's hair today and realized I should teach her that appearance is important, though not everything.  We talked about how you dress can say a lot about you and I want to make sure that I put an effort into my appearance from now on.  Often times people look at me, hair up, yoga pants, and a tank and think, "bless her heart she must not get any time to herself with all those kids".  While this is partially true, it doesn't mean that I should be pitied.  What they dont know is that I have a thyroid condition that makes me tired, and some times depressed.  What they dont know is that I dont feel comfortable in my jeans because of the little bulge I have from three children.  What they dont know is that I had time to get dressed, I have time to shower, I had time to maybe even put on make up, but I chose not too.  The reason could be as simple as we just needed bananas or more complex like my son keeps having random spells of vomiting and we've been cooped up for days but I really needed to take the Ladies to the park before they went crazy from staying in doors forever.  I dont want to be looked at as a disheveled mother anymore.  My children are dressed neatly and cleanly, why shouldn't I be?  I put an effort into their appearance and I should do the same with mine.  Plus like I said it makes me feel good about myself.

On the meal out look we are having chili tonight.  Im a little worried about how spicy it might end up being, but here's to hoping.  I am going to warm some beans up for Lady G, Lady L, and maybe even let Sir E have some too.  The Ladies seem to think its not chili without the beans, what ever, extra protein and they aren't doing a Whole30 with me.  Lady L is doing a 90-95/10-5 with me meaning 90-95% of the time she is eating Whole30.  Lady G's is much less thanks to school.  B I couldn't even tell you.  He said if I do this by myself for the full 30 days he'd do one next.  Yea...sure.  He did admit to having to self control and that is why he isn't doing it with me.  I personally just want him to stop complaining about it.  He keeps telling me he wishes we could eat like we use to.  It drives me made.  We use to eat fairly well, but we had a ton of gluten in our lives.  After I had Lady L I would get these crippling headaches that would only go away if I slept.  I took gluten out and they disappeared.  I cant go back to eating gluten all the time and honestly I dont want to.  Its fine with me to have it once in a blue moon, but not daily.  I'm pretty sure thats what he misses is the gluten.  We had it in everything.  Ive been making Lady L these breakfast bowls of sausage, egg, veggies and since I found some awesome salsa, salsa.  B made himself one, but used some flour tortillas I had bough a few weeks ago for him (I'm so use to not using them I just use lettuce when we have "tacos" as do the girls).  He for some reason thought that he needed them and I kept trying to tell him he could just make a bowl and it would taste just as good.  He's stubborn, but mark my words, when he does his Whole30 he will not cheat.  I even told him if he did it I would let him go back to eating whatever he wanted, I wouldnt make it or buy it,  but he could.  My hope is that once he finishes the Whole30 he'll see how much better he feels and if he does eat junk his body will reject it.

On a fun note, I made Paleo mayo that was amazing.  Ive made it before, but this recipe was a little different and I loved it.  From there I turned it into Paleo ranch for some buffalo chicken meat balls I made and it was great.  I feel really good about my cooking skills when I make things like that. 

Well I'm done with my long ranting of an up date, but I have a feeling that if you read this blog you like my ranting dont you?  Come on admit it.  There ya go.