I have never considered myself a failure until today. I have always thought that not only would there be a silver lining but that I had also tried my hardest at whatever it was I had done. Today however I do not feel this way. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I do not see how I have done my best at providing a good life for my child. All I see is failure. I can not see how to even fix this. Working isnt an option during the week since I have no one to watch my child for free. Leaving her alone with my broken husband on the weekends doesnt seem like a workable plan since he is not even suppose to lift her and is easy frustrated by her. It is not that I cant feed my daughter, or pay my pills. I can do both. I can provide food and shelter for her and her soon to be sister, but that is where the line is drawn. I can not provide clothes (though thankfully for now both of my girls will be clothed since one never seems to grow and the other will have her sisters baby clothes to wear), I can not provide toys, nor can I provide all the wants of a little girl. I can not give her the things that other children have and I can no longer ask for help. I can not face myself in the mirror if I ask for help again. Her grandparents should not be the ones who give her clothes and toys because her parents can not afford it. My daughter is the only reason for my being. She is everything to me and I can not imagine a world without her which only intensifies the fact that I can not give her everything she deserves.
I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks. I am sure that my husband has too. We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit. I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves. We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start. We thought everything would work out better here. Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much. My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work. He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant. He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over. Life is very stressful more so for me then him. He still has faith. Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending.
At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure. I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon. I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January. She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to. I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue. She is not my daughters provider. I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer. It is not a gift when it is needed. It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer. I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light. The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps. I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself. I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".
