Nght Terrors are the Devil

As a mother of three night terrors are nothing new to me.  If you are a parent there is a pretty good chance you have experienced a night terror, and by you I mean you have witnessed your child having one.  If you haven't let me give you a little insight on what a night terror is vs a nightmare.  A nightmare is a dream.  While having this dream you may cry out and if someone could easily wake you.  You can also wake up on your own with the gripping terror still holding onto you.  A night terror is when you cant wake up.  If someone touches you it only tightens the dream state, causing you to panic even more.  Here is how a night terror can look: a seemingly asleep child scream as though they are in horrific pain, convulsions, shaking, non responsive, pupils not dilating, ect.  For a first time parent it is the most terrifying thing.  Lady G started having them around 10 months.  Her first one was while we were at my parents and it was awful.  After several more I figured out how to get her out if.  I simply gave her a paci and shhhhed her.  I did not touch her.  Touching for most children worsens it.  She out grew them around one and half two.  Lady L was next, around the same age.  Hers was heart breaking for me.  She would be screaming momma over and over again as if someone had ripped her from my arms.  I gave her a paci, shhhed her, and was able to rub her on the back.  I could not talk to either of the.  They would both either be standing in their cribs or sitting, never laying down.  Lady L grew out of it too, around 18 months.  Now we get to Sir E.  Last night he had a night terror.  I have never seen anything like it.  He was convulsing like he was having a seizure.  When I first saw him its what I thought, but his screaming told me it wasn't.  He was screaming as if he was in pain.  The way his arm was turned I thought he had to be in pain, but I didn't touch him.  I shhhed him, saying his name softly.  I still didn't touch him.  B came in took one look at him and picked him before I thought to tell him not too.  The screaming increased to a volume I didn't think he could reach.  B freaked out and handed him to me.  He got his paci and slowly Sir E calmed down.  I then had the hard part of waking him up.  Sir E is a heavy sleeper once he hits his deep sleep.  Nothing wakes him.  It took some doing but slowly we got him to come too.  He continued to convulse on and off.  He would randomly zone out and his body would go almost limb.  It was terrifying.  I was ready to take him to the ER thinking something more had to be wrong.  About the time I got the bag ready he suddenly came to fully.  His eyes lost the glaze and he was himself, an angry version of himself since he was confused as to why he was awake, but he was still himself.  We put him back to bed and B said it had to of been that bad because he picked him up.  He was probably right, but I didn't blame him for picking him up.  It was taking a lot for me not to pick him up too.

On the Whole30 front I have made it to day 9.  I feel pretty happy with myself for having made it 9 days.  I'm not really craving anything aside from chocolate, but I dont think that is something I will ever stop craving.  I also want some awesome beef jerky but alas my health food store didn't have any that was sugar free, it was all 2% or less.  I would love to make a Whole Foods run soon, but money is still tight.  We are working hard on changing that, but its never easy.  I have lately been thinking about getting a job at a gas station.  I could work nights, granted that's not the safest time to be working, but I told B I would carry my OC spray.  Point a gun in my face and I will fully unload that crap on you.  It would be nice to have some extra money though for bills or just to put back.  I know once we make it to next year when we get our taxes back life will go back to easy living.  I can pay off all our credit card debt and we can keep all the extra money from B's BAH and put it back.  When I think about it like that it makes me go whats the point of getting a job now?  Still though having two incomes would be nice.  I dont know though, more thought is required I suppose.  All  I have been for the past 4 years is a mom, I dont really know if I want to miss out on being a mom while they are still young and need me so much.  It would be a lot of work for B too which I know he never realizes when I say I'm thinking about getting a job.  All he sees is more money for us, not the part of him having to do dinner, bath, and bed time for all three kiddos.  I know he doesn't realize that his alone time would be gone and that his time for homework would be cut shorter.

Well I suppose I'm off.  I have dinner that needs to be started while the kiddos are playing I hope nicely in the Ladies room.

Life Goes On

I am on day for of my Whole30.  I had to restart...twice.  The first time was the day after my grandmothers funeral.  My mother had been cooking for so many people and though my sister and I tried to help when we could, she was just over cooking.  So we had pizza and salad.  Mine was at least gluten free.  I took a break the following day as we tried to get things back in order at home, and then proceeded to eat half a snickers bar the following night...and a small bag of chips.  Ive done pretty well though.  My sugar cravings are a little less each day.  The main point of the day that truly hits me is at night.  I want sugar so bad.  Last night I actually didn't have a snack other than a banana.  I was too tired to put an effort into making something, but needed a little something.  Ive been making this "ice cream" as a little dessert for myself.  Its been warmer than usually the past few days and Ive wanted something cool to eat.  All it contains is a frozen banana (I added some strawberries too), coconut milk, and vanilla.  Sooooo good.  The coconut milk gives me a little more fat too which is awesome.  Usually when the food cravings hit I go for a bowl of fruit with Almond Butter.  Helps to fill me up and helps with the sweet cravings.  I actually don't eat a lot of fruit during the day, just mainly once a day since I realized last time I was eating fruit all the time in place of the sugar.  Now I just eat it if I'm starving at night and to kill that crazy beast telling me I need chocolate. 

Since I'm only 4 days in I'm not noticing a lot of chances.  I have noticed that I just want to sleep the mornings away and that I have to push myself to get things done around the house, but once I get going I start to feel better.  I have noticed that the I'm not always starving like I was when I did the first one so many months ago, which is nice.  I have also noticed my body seems to be craving fish.  We cant afford much right now but I did buy some frozen wild caught salmon the other week and it was amazing.  I tried to make some salmon cakes today but canned salmon belch.

Ive been trying to make an effort in my appearance lately.  After B and I got married I stopped wearing contacts since that was something our insurance didn't cover.  I still wore make up most of the time, but not a lot and B always liked me without the crazy dark eyeliner I use to wear.  It completely brought out my eyes though.  After Lady G was born I didn't even bother, I didn't have time, but once she got older I started to wear it again, then Lady L came along.  Needless to say for the past 4 ish years I've only put makeup on when we were going some where nice and it was just the two of us.  The past few days though Ive been wearing it again.  Nothing like how I use to but, a little, as well as a necklace or earrings.  It makes me feel better about myself.  I would curl my hair too, but its in that in between stage of growing.  I was fixing Lady G's hair today and realized I should teach her that appearance is important, though not everything.  We talked about how you dress can say a lot about you and I want to make sure that I put an effort into my appearance from now on.  Often times people look at me, hair up, yoga pants, and a tank and think, "bless her heart she must not get any time to herself with all those kids".  While this is partially true, it doesn't mean that I should be pitied.  What they dont know is that I have a thyroid condition that makes me tired, and some times depressed.  What they dont know is that I dont feel comfortable in my jeans because of the little bulge I have from three children.  What they dont know is that I had time to get dressed, I have time to shower, I had time to maybe even put on make up, but I chose not too.  The reason could be as simple as we just needed bananas or more complex like my son keeps having random spells of vomiting and we've been cooped up for days but I really needed to take the Ladies to the park before they went crazy from staying in doors forever.  I dont want to be looked at as a disheveled mother anymore.  My children are dressed neatly and cleanly, why shouldn't I be?  I put an effort into their appearance and I should do the same with mine.  Plus like I said it makes me feel good about myself.

On the meal out look we are having chili tonight.  Im a little worried about how spicy it might end up being, but here's to hoping.  I am going to warm some beans up for Lady G, Lady L, and maybe even let Sir E have some too.  The Ladies seem to think its not chili without the beans, what ever, extra protein and they aren't doing a Whole30 with me.  Lady L is doing a 90-95/10-5 with me meaning 90-95% of the time she is eating Whole30.  Lady G's is much less thanks to school.  B I couldn't even tell you.  He said if I do this by myself for the full 30 days he'd do one next.  Yea...sure.  He did admit to having to self control and that is why he isn't doing it with me.  I personally just want him to stop complaining about it.  He keeps telling me he wishes we could eat like we use to.  It drives me made.  We use to eat fairly well, but we had a ton of gluten in our lives.  After I had Lady L I would get these crippling headaches that would only go away if I slept.  I took gluten out and they disappeared.  I cant go back to eating gluten all the time and honestly I dont want to.  Its fine with me to have it once in a blue moon, but not daily.  I'm pretty sure thats what he misses is the gluten.  We had it in everything.  Ive been making Lady L these breakfast bowls of sausage, egg, veggies and since I found some awesome salsa, salsa.  B made himself one, but used some flour tortillas I had bough a few weeks ago for him (I'm so use to not using them I just use lettuce when we have "tacos" as do the girls).  He for some reason thought that he needed them and I kept trying to tell him he could just make a bowl and it would taste just as good.  He's stubborn, but mark my words, when he does his Whole30 he will not cheat.  I even told him if he did it I would let him go back to eating whatever he wanted, I wouldnt make it or buy it,  but he could.  My hope is that once he finishes the Whole30 he'll see how much better he feels and if he does eat junk his body will reject it.

On a fun note, I made Paleo mayo that was amazing.  Ive made it before, but this recipe was a little different and I loved it.  From there I turned it into Paleo ranch for some buffalo chicken meat balls I made and it was great.  I feel really good about my cooking skills when I make things like that. 

Well I'm done with my long ranting of an up date, but I have a feeling that if you read this blog you like my ranting dont you?  Come on admit it.  There ya go.

Rough Week

So clearly I have been gone and it has been a rough week.  My mother sent me a text message Monday night letting myself and siblings know that our Grandmother (my dads mom) was not expected to make it through the night.  She had a stroke a few weeks ago and hasnt remembered who any of us were since Lady G was 3 and Lady L was still a baby.  Lady G remembers her and had been asking me constantly to go see her.  After the stroke I had to tell her we couldnt and that Mamaw (what we call her) would be dieing soon.  For some that may seem odd that we are that open with our daughter about death and life, but we are.  About 30 minutes after my mother sent me the message she sent another informing us that Mamaw had passed away.  I packed up the Ladies and Sir right after Lady G got of school and we headed to my parents.  My sister and her family were already there.  My brother made it a few hours later.  I could tell having us all there meant the world to my dad.  He for some reason always had it set in his mind that he would be burying her alone.  I had always planned to be there and I think my siblings had too.  We talked about her for a short time, each of us remember something about her we loved.  It brought a smile to my dads face.  The funeral was rough.  It was just us, all of her family having already passed.  She was 88 years old, out living all of her siblings (2 brothers and 5 sisters).  Before the funeral we were finally able to get through to Lady G that Mamaw had died.  I think that was when it sunk in for me too.  She and I both cried.  I noticed everyone avoiding us.  My dad couldnt deal with it, his anxiety rose as time got closer, everyone else couldnt face the raw emotion that child was experiencing.  She asked many questions and I answered them threw teary eyes. She told me she was sad because Mamaw had died.  I told her I was too. 

During the funeral Sir E suddenly became obsessed with his Granddad (my dad).  He wanted to touch him constantly.  I could tell it was helping my dad get through it.  I think it reminded him of the story of how he met his Granddad.  Great Granddad's mother had just passed away and my dad was only a a few days old.  They were at the grave site when my Great Granddad first saw my dad.  He took my dad from my Mamaw and carried him off into the woods.  My dad says that his Granddad transferred all his love into him that day. 

It was a closed casket and for that I am greatful.  My brother brought a photo of her, 8 years before I was born.  I want to remember her they way I saw her in the picture.  She was gorgeous and strong looking.  I dont want to remember her weak and fragile. 

Lady G hasnt asked about her since the funeral.  We walked over to my Grandmothers grave (my moms mom).  It was just nice to stop for a few minutes.  I use to go to her Grave all the time when I was a teenager.  I'd sit and talk to her.  I wasnt close to her when she passed, though I was getting there.  For some reason going to her grave just seemed like most comforting place to me.  Lady G asked where Mamaws head stone was and I told her she didnt have one yet.  I promised we'd go back when she did have one so she could see.  I think we should bring flowers for her. 

Its hard to even write about this.  I dont think that I have really taken the time to stop and accept this.  There is so much going on in this world that is dark and loosing her just reminds me of all the things I could have done and should have done.  I wasnt around much after Lady G was born (or even a few years before).  With B being in the Army, we just were close to home, but I could have called her.  I could have taken more time to see her when we were there.  My last memory of her as her was when I was pregnant with Lady G.  I had just found out what I was having and I went straight to her house before I told anyone else.  I showed her the picture and told her it was a girl.  I sat and talked with her for a while.  Even then her mind was going.  I still cherish that moment though.  Maybe thats why Lady G was so bonded to her.  I dont know.  Either way she will be greatly missed by Lady G and I.  As much as I tried to prepare myself for her passing, it doesnt take the pain away.