So clearly I have been gone and it has been a rough week. My mother sent me a text message Monday night letting myself and siblings know that our Grandmother (my dads mom) was not expected to make it through the night. She had a stroke a few weeks ago and hasnt remembered who any of us were since Lady G was 3 and Lady L was still a baby. Lady G remembers her and had been asking me constantly to go see her. After the stroke I had to tell her we couldnt and that Mamaw (what we call her) would be dieing soon. For some that may seem odd that we are that open with our daughter about death and life, but we are. About 30 minutes after my mother sent me the message she sent another informing us that Mamaw had passed away. I packed up the Ladies and Sir right after Lady G got of school and we headed to my parents. My sister and her family were already there. My brother made it a few hours later. I could tell having us all there meant the world to my dad. He for some reason always had it set in his mind that he would be burying her alone. I had always planned to be there and I think my siblings had too. We talked about her for a short time, each of us remember something about her we loved. It brought a smile to my dads face. The funeral was rough. It was just us, all of her family having already passed. She was 88 years old, out living all of her siblings (2 brothers and 5 sisters). Before the funeral we were finally able to get through to Lady G that Mamaw had died. I think that was when it sunk in for me too. She and I both cried. I noticed everyone avoiding us. My dad couldnt deal with it, his anxiety rose as time got closer, everyone else couldnt face the raw emotion that child was experiencing. She asked many questions and I answered them threw teary eyes. She told me she was sad because Mamaw had died. I told her I was too.
During the funeral Sir E suddenly became obsessed with his Granddad (my dad). He wanted to touch him constantly. I could tell it was helping my dad get through it. I think it reminded him of the story of how he met his Granddad. Great Granddad's mother had just passed away and my dad was only a a few days old. They were at the grave site when my Great Granddad first saw my dad. He took my dad from my Mamaw and carried him off into the woods. My dad says that his Granddad transferred all his love into him that day.
It was a closed casket and for that I am greatful. My brother brought a photo of her, 8 years before I was born. I want to remember her they way I saw her in the picture. She was gorgeous and strong looking. I dont want to remember her weak and fragile.
Lady G hasnt asked about her since the funeral. We walked over to my Grandmothers grave (my moms mom). It was just nice to stop for a few minutes. I use to go to her Grave all the time when I was a teenager. I'd sit and talk to her. I wasnt close to her when she passed, though I was getting there. For some reason going to her grave just seemed like most comforting place to me. Lady G asked where Mamaws head stone was and I told her she didnt have one yet. I promised we'd go back when she did have one so she could see. I think we should bring flowers for her.
Its hard to even write about this. I dont think that I have really taken the time to stop and accept this. There is so much going on in this world that is dark and loosing her just reminds me of all the things I could have done and should have done. I wasnt around much after Lady G was born (or even a few years before). With B being in the Army, we just were close to home, but I could have called her. I could have taken more time to see her when we were there. My last memory of her as her was when I was pregnant with Lady G. I had just found out what I was having and I went straight to her house before I told anyone else. I showed her the picture and told her it was a girl. I sat and talked with her for a while. Even then her mind was going. I still cherish that moment though. Maybe thats why Lady G was so bonded to her. I dont know. Either way she will be greatly missed by Lady G and I. As much as I tried to prepare myself for her passing, it doesnt take the pain away.
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