The other day I read a blog post about the song "All About That Bass" and how it was sending the wrong message to our girls. Essentially it was stating that the song sent the message that girls need the approval of men when it comes to their bodies. I had never really looked at it that way and once I did I began to see another message that it and others like it were sending.
I constantly see pictures of heavier women stating "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy" or "More to love" or even the simple "I embrace my curves". You should love your body, no matter how you look. My body is covered in scars both outwardly and inwardly. I have scars from men who I thought cared for me, I have scars from years of falling on my face/knees/legs/back, you name it, it hit the floor or a surrounding object. My stomach is covered in the scars of baring three children in three years. I am wounded from some, healed from overs, but will forever be scared. It is my life story written where some can see and others to look deeper. I embrace that about myself. What I do not embrace is this thought of fat being sexy.
There was a time when I was sexy. I knew I was. I had nice large breast, my stomach was flat, my hips were big, but not covered with a few layers of fat, my body was amazing. I almost wish I had braved a bikini. When B and I got married I weighed between 150-155. I wore sexy outfits from Victoria Secrets, as well as bras and lacy underwear. I loved for my husband to see me naked. In fact there was a short time (before the boys at Fort Drum took over our house) that we barely wore clothes at all, in the middle of Northern New York winter. I loved my body, my husband loved my body and that fueled me to show it off to the man I loved at all times. Aside from my husband, sister, and mother, no one has seen me completely naked (well and my children). Not even the doctors at the hospital when I delivered my children saw me completely naked. I have kept my modest ways even when I wouldnt have minded the world catching a glimpse of me which is why I have no bikini pictures. My body was sexy, smooth, and though covered in a few scars outwardly, it was something to look at. It belonged on the cover of every magazine. It belonged on billboards that said "Embrace your curves." My body sent the right message. I was the correct healthy weight for my BMI, and yet many labeled me as "large".
A few weeks ago when I weighed myself I was 186. I have not weighed myself since, but will when I head to my mothers this week (we have no scale here). I am fat. I am overweight. My stomach is slowly shrinking, but it will never be flat, no matter how hard I work at it. My dear friend, who has lost all her baby weight and then some, described her belly as a deflated ball sack. Mine is heading that way (Im slowly making it to the "darkside" girl!). That will never change, no matter how much effect she and I put into making out tummies flat, it will never change. Its skin, skin that was pulled out and stretched to accommodate our growing babies that we had so close in age. Over time some will go back in place, but not all. Thats fine with me. Even with a saggy belly, my dear friend is Sexy again. My hips are also slowly losing size. Its most notable in my pants that love to slide down since there isnt as much left to hold them up. I have big hips, always have. Some like to call them birthing hips. I like to call them daaaaaaamn hips. They arent that way now, but slowly going back. It takes time to get your body back to the way it was when you accepted less than perfect for so long.
Now by now some of you are probably slamming me, thinking that I am trying to fat people suck at life (I'm not), so let me tie this all together. No one should aspire to be skinny. People like me will never be labeled as skinny either and here is why, my bones are big. They really are, my body build is larger than some of my tiny friends. Ive always been labeled as large. That label is bullshit. I was not large. I am now because I am covered in unneeded fat. Lets face if the Zombie Apocalypse where to happen tomorrow, cardio is not my number 1 and my body is close to a Walkers Buffet, but give me some more time and I'll be able to prove that "large" isnt fat. What all these magazines pushing skinny or fat arent telling you is that you should aspire to be healthy. You should want to be at a healthy weight, you should want to eat healthy (which if youve followed me at all you know I dont mean bland, in fact if your food is bland you are doing it wrong). Im not saying you should want to be decked out in muscles hitting the gym every day and could lift a small car unless thats how you want to look, either. Im saying stop accepting the unhealthy version of you, get off your butt, drop the excuses, and drop all that unhealthy weight.
The middle and last picture were taken today. In the middle photo I am wearing leggings. I havent worn those since before I had Lady L. I couldnt fit into them. The shirt I have on I havent worn since I had Sir E. I hated how fat I looked in it. Today I wore them together, feeling amazing because I could fit into those clothes without a bulge. My hips were smoothed out, my tummy was smoothed out, and a few times I had to the pull the leggings up because they were slipping down. My wedding ring is lose. It hasnt been this lose since before Lady L. My face looks thin. Even my hands as I am typing look thinner to me. I dont get winded going up stairs (with the exception of the church stairs but I am in a hurry as I run across the street and up three flights of stairs to get to sunday school. The elevator terrifies me...). I dont get winded chancing the girls around the back yard. I love the body that I am creating.
What all these songs about having a big butt/hips, and all these signs about loving your curves are telling you is to settle. Dont settle. Take a minute to look at your body, just you. Tell me, does it look healthy? Go for run and tell me how long it takes you to get winded and have to stop. Tell me how far you get before you just give up. Tell me if you feel comfortable holding your panties up and letting everyone see how big they are, or even your jeans. I dont feel comfortable doing that. I look at how large they are and think "am I really that big? have I really let myself become this?" I watch my blood pressure at the doctors office and realize its higher than what it use to be. I watched my thyroid prescription go higher and higher for 6 months before it finally stopped. I've watched my face get swollen and greasy, and Ive watched my children get completely out of control from sugar. Sugar. Let that word sink in. Sugar.
Don't buy into the skinny side of this world either. Being Photoshop isn't real. Starving yourself to fit into size 2 jeans isn't real. I will never be a size two. Why? Because my body isn't built for that. I'll settle for a size 8 and even with that goal, my hips are probably still too big. Every body is built differently and that is both amazing and horrible. Some people really are born with the issue of weight but they can change that by changing how they view and eat their food. Some people are born tiny and struggle with putting weight on which again will change when their food does. I preach this to all of you on my facebook and out in the world. Your food and your will is what will change you. Aspire to have the perfect body! Don't aspire to fall into the lie that people love to sell you.
I am not happy with this body. I want my sexy curves back. I want to fit into a medium sized shirt and think wow. I have a Hooters shirt that is a size small (my breast barely squeezed into that) and I have had it since B came home from basic. I looked amazing in it. I have kept it all these years because one day I am going to put it back on. My goal weight is 140-145. We will see if I look too skinny and if so you better believe I will trade my Kale chips for saturated fat, put my almond butter up and dive into a jar of nutella. I will skip out on my healthy treats and let the refined sugar rain down upon my body, wrecking havoc, causing headaches, stomach aches, and bloating. B will buy pregnancies test for me to take for my belly will look as though I have to be pregnant. He will worry his vasectomy has reversed (which can happen fyi) and I will laugh telling him I had to gain some pounds. I will stop the work outs, stop the yoga, and I will indulge. Then after I have gained 5 or so pounds I will put it all down and go back to my healthy lifestyle. I will embrace my curves, the real curves, not the fat that everyone keeps trying to convince you is healthy, but the curves under it. I will do this. I have faith in myself and I have faith that at some point all of you will wake up and listen to me. It goes deeper than just the fat on your body, but today, today is about your body.
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