Email

I have been checking my email every day since Saturday.  That may not seem like a long time to be checking it, but since I rarely check it, its a big increase for me.  I'm not waiting on some confirmation email on something I ordered nor am I checking for deals from the few websites I have newsletters set up with.  I am waiting for one email, just one, that states I am being considered for a job.  Now I know it is foolish of me to assume that my application has some how soared to the top of the list, that is has been checked, that my references have been called, and my work history pulled.  I know that it is crazy of me to think that in just three short days they have already gathered all they need and are sending out an email to me, but I'm still checking, I'm still praying, I am still being let down when I see nothing. 

I never thought I would be here.  I never thought I would be waiting for a call or email that would let me know I have "made the cut" and am being considered.  How can they possibly tell who I am through an online application?  How can they get a feel for me through the clicks of a computer?  Are they judging me?  Wondering what I have been doing for the past 4 to 5 years that I would have no work history?  Do they think my work schedule that I have chosen is by choice or do they think because it is so specific that there has to be a reasoning behind it?  These are all things I could have written in on a store application or simply told the manager while turning it in.  I could have talked myself up to the manager, made myself memorable.  I could go in every day to the manager, make small talk, see the status of my application, but online, online they dont know who I am or why I need this job so desperately.  To them I am just another number in the many stacks of applications that they get.

It has become apparent to myself and B that we are at a point I thought we would never reach.  In all honesty I dont think he ever saw us being here either.  We have come to a point where me not working isn't a great option.  We have come to the point to where I have almost no choice but to find a job or watch us keep slowly going under.  In a few months, some of our financial burden will be lifted.  We will be able to pay off two very large debts (or close) and be left with one.  That one will be paid by his BAH, but we will only have a few short months to get it paid off.  After the middle of May we will no longer get BAH until the end of August.  His BAH pays for three bills and the rent.  We can pay rent out of his regular pay check, doing it this way just happened to help us out a little more.  But with BAH gone we will have to some how make it all work.  We may still have one large bill to add to our others.  Now I am a smart woman.  I pay our insurance as far out as it will let me, which is 6 months.  Had our insurance not come back, we would be a little better off.  Thats 114 extra dollars out of his pay check now.  I will again next March pay it through to 6 months.  It will be a relief for a few short months until this other bill is no longer paid by BAH.  Buying groceries will become a struggle.  Currently I am working on getting our grocery bill down and I am slowly getting there, hopefully by then I will be able to have it to a nice small bill that will allow us some breathing room.  Our gas bill for the van will go down since Lady G will be out of school.  I will probably be able to make it a whole month on one tank of gas.  But even with us cutting corners, our heads will still be barely be above water, unless I get a job.

I tried all summer.  I tried and tried, even had an interview, but the moment I said I cant work weekends, that was it.  I would explain my husband works weekends I have to be home with our children.  I was shocked at the comments of "Cant you get a babysitter?" or "Don't you have family who can watch them?".  First off I am trying to get a job, the fact that I have been home with my children for four years and am now desperately seeking employment should be an indication that no I can not get a babysitter.  As for my family I would never want to change that relationship my children have with their grandparents.  I would never want it to change from a fun, free, happy relationship, to a caregiver relationship and sadly it has been there before.  I do not wish it to go back.  Now if I could get hired and have a few paychecks in my bank account, things could change.  Maybe I could be able to afford a babysitter.  Maybe on a weekend that my mother took the kids I could pull a double, but I'm never given that chance.  I have started to see why so many mothers struggle with getting on their feet or helping to support their families, not a lot of businesses are willing to bend the rules.

I am both excited about the prospect of getting a job and completely saddened by it.  For five years I have been a homemaker.  For four of those five years I have been a mother.  I have had my husband's clothes cleaned and put away for him.  I have had dinner ready and waiting.  I have gone with him to appointments, waited during surgeries, cared for him when he was sick, and stayed up into the late hours with him simply to be close to him.  I have made sure his house is always clean.  I have cooked for his friends, made them feel welcome and informed them when they were overstepping their boundaries.  I have been a mother.  I have held my children when they were sick, when they were hurt, or simply when they needed to know I still love them.  I have colored with them, painted with them, bathed them, fed them, and kissed them whether they wanted it or not.  I have stared at them sleeping, cried with them out of frustration, been there for first steps, first falls, first laughs, and many more.  I have been their entire world for their entire lives.  To think that I will not be there as much breaks my heart.  I knew one day I would get a job, but I never knew it would need to be when I still had a baby at home and a toddler about to head to school.  I do not want to leave my sweet babies.  I do not want to hear them cry as I walk out the door, begging me not to go, clinging to me.  I do not want them to think that I am leaving them by choice, because if I had a choice, I would stay home with them.  I am however excited.  I can finally take some of the burden off of B.  I can do as I have always done and take care of my family, just in a new way.  My family needs me and I need to be there for them.  I am trying.  I am praying, and I am checking my email.