I am defeated.

I have never considered myself a failure until today.  I have always thought that not only would there be a silver lining but that I had also tried my hardest at whatever it was I had done.  Today however I do not feel this way.  I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do not see how I have done my best at providing a good life for my child.  All I see is failure.  I can not see how to even fix this.  Working isnt an option during the week since I have no one to watch my child for free.  Leaving her alone with my broken husband on the weekends doesnt seem like a workable plan since he is not even suppose to lift her and is easy frustrated by her.  It is not that I cant feed my daughter, or pay my pills.  I can do both.  I can provide food and shelter for her and her soon to be sister, but that is where the line is drawn.  I can not provide clothes (though thankfully for now both of my girls will be clothed since one never seems to grow and the other will have her sisters baby clothes to wear), I can not provide toys, nor can I provide all the wants of a little girl.  I can not give her the things that other children have and I can no longer ask for help.  I can not face myself in the mirror if I ask for help again.  Her grandparents should not be the ones who give her clothes and toys because her parents can not afford it.  My daughter is the only reason for my being.  She is everything to me and I can not imagine a world without her which only intensifies the fact that I can not give her everything she deserves. 

I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks.  I am sure that my husband has too.  We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit.  I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves.  We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start.  We thought everything would work out better here.  Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much.  My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work.  He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant.  He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over.  Life is very stressful more so for me then him.  He still has faith.  Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending. 

At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure.  I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon.  I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January.  She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to.  I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue.  She is not my daughters provider.  I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer.  It is not a gift when it is needed.  It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer.  I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light.  The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps.  I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself.  I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".

"Rouler dans le profond"

Well it has certainly been awhile since I have posted.  Life has been stressful to say the least.  Husband got his ankle surgery and well I have just been overloaded.  I am very tired almost all the time and entirely too stressed out.  Thankfully we will be heading down to my parents next week so I can get a little break (and they can get some Monkey time).  I have some projects I need to start on, however I just dont feel like I have the time or energy.  Hopefully once husband's cast comes off things will get a little easier and I can start on my fun fun projects haha.  I plan on making a cocoon for the Bean (probably waiting til we know the sex so I can do it in a color that works with baby).  Its kind of like a swaddling blanket only you just put them down into it.  I am also going to make Monkey a big Star blanket for her new bed (so that way when we switch her to a big girl bed it just seems even more special).  I havent decided on the colors for that one just yet.  I dont think I want to make her another pink one, but Im not too sure what color I do want to do.  I may just let her pick out the two colors.  I also have to get to work on an afghan for our good buddy in NY.  I need that one done by Christmas, so I think I need to get started.  It shouldnt take me long since it will just be a standard afghan.  I plan on going threw my moms books to see if I can find a simple one that is still really nice.  I also know that she has an insane amount of yarn laying around so I may sift threw all of that too for Bean's cocoon.

My friend Michell has gotten me bitten by the craft fairy yet again haha.  She wants to get into sewing which is something I have been toying around with for a while myself.  My mother keeps telling me she wants to make Monkey some play clothes (which will have to be put on hold because its turning into fall and winter) which of course got me wanting to.  And now my friend has been telling me about making the bedding for her new little one on the way and I think that would just be wonderful to do.  I'll also have a lot of time to do since we kept Monkey in our room until she was 6 months and I plan on doing the same with this one.  So we wont use the crib until 6 months which gives me at least that long to find time to make it.  Pretty excited about this, only problem is I need a sewing machine!  I really just want a nice simple one.  Doesnt have to be expensive and it most certainly doesnt need to do a lot of fancy things.  The basics will do just fine.

OK so its pretty much expected for me to put something beyond weird in my blog.  I think its been a little while since I've done it so here goes:

This is a creepy recurring pregnancy dream.  I have a dream that my jaw hurts really bad and if I try to open or close it cracks and pops and hurts even more.  Well finally the other night the dream got worse.  My upper jaw came out of my mouth and I started spitting out my bottom teeth until I only had four left.  I was crying and screaming in hysteria.  It was awful.  When I woke up...my jaw hurt.  I still have dreams about my jaw hurting but thankfully everything is still intact.

Pregnancy...you suck.

So I am miserable.  I was not this way with Monkey.  It is just awful.  Even with the pills to keep me from feeling nausea I still feel sick all the time.  I cant seem to throw up though instead I just gag.  I want to be able to clean my house.  I am so tired of it looking like a hurricane has blown threw my living room.  I want my sense of smell to go back to being dull and not notice small insignificant things like when my husband has pickles on his sandwich.  I want to have energy to play with my daughter and enjoy her being at such a fun age.  I am just plan tired of this pregnancy causing me such misery!

On a lighter note (though not really) poor Sammy just seems to constantly have diarrhea.  In fact it was so bad today (apparently) that she ended up going on the back porch instead of the yard.  Not fun to clean off and I now need to get some type of cleaner and brush to scrub it all off since the heat here makes things really dry in and set.  I am wondering if she isnt getting into the decomposition piles.  Sid is not having the same issue, so it has to be just something Samantha keeps getting.  I may need to spy on her when she goes outside for a while.

So there is a small glimmer of hope that my mother and sister may be coming down to see us in September.  I really hope they do because we never have visitors.  We always lived too far away from anyone to come and see us, and now that we live closer it would be nice to have family come see us.  I've been trying to figure out the sleeping situation since we dont have an extra room and my sister is pregnant (so our blow up mattress may not be comfy enough for her).  I dont want them to have to stay at a hotel because thats just more money and then I wont get to see them as much.  I guess I'll just have to keep trying to figure something out.

Can I rant about stupid people? I cant? Well too bad.

So I have a "friend" who is just freaking stupid.  I know thats mean and I am being judgmental and putting her down.  I am aware of this, but how about you just hear me out real quick.  So her daughter is younger then mine.  She will be turning a year old in August.  When her daughter was around 8 months she gave her Dr. Pepper in a bottle.  She also gave her orange juice around 6 months (not that bad but its not encouraged due to the acid).  She also switched her to a forward facing carseat at 11 months.  I kindly explained to her that its recommend you wait until 2 years so she put her daughter back into an infant carseat (which she still fit into just fine) and then put her back into the forward facing one a few days later and not even in the center.  I happen to know that the carseat she has can go rear or forward.  Anyways I just read that she gave her daughter a Hershey's bar.  She said "Never ever give you child a Hershey's bar.  It will make them super hyper."  Really?  Ya think?  Ugh It just annoys me so much when people do this kind of crap.  So they not realize what they are doing to their children?  I could understand a bite (after a year old) but a whole freaking bar?  And Dr Pepper?  Really?  Where is the good in a Dr. Pepper?  There is none.  I feel awful for her little girls (she also has a 6 year old).  Ok rant over.

Can I get a "what what" and some fatty fatty foods for my skinny mini baby?

So poor Monkey had to have her one year shots on the 8th of July.  She was behind which is no big deal with me.  I think it helped her not get as sick as some babies do but who knows.  Anyways she also had a wellness check up and guess what we learned?  She had not changed in height or weight in over 2 and a half months.  I personally thought she felt heavier, despite still being able to wear most 6 month onsies, but nope, zero change.  It actually really worried me.  So we had some blood work done and went back in to check growth.  Zero change in weight, but half an inch growth in her height.  So now we are going to the doctors once a month until she can be put on some type of curve.  We also have to keep a food journal in case we need to see a nutritionist.  The doctor who has taken over her case seems like a very nice man.  He said her blood results looked great and right now he is focused on making a curve for her.  If we dont see change over a certain amount of months we will being going into "over kill mode" as he put it.  This sadly means lost of test on poor Monkey.  I am hoping we get some growth in soon even if its just a pound.  I am going to have to try and find more things she is willing to eat.  The kids loves her fruit and veggies, but when it comes to meats its a hit or miss type of deal.  It really worries me to know that there may be something wrong with my child.  A parents purpose in life is to raise and care for their child.  They are suppose to protect them from all things, but how can I protect her from something that can be easily fixed?  How can I help her when I dont even know whats wrong if anything?  It is depressing.  That little girl has been my whole world since the test said pregnant.  She means everything to me and to think that something might be wrong just makes me want to cry.  I also feel bad because I am so focused on her and her needs that I feel like I have been neglecting the one in my womb.  Its not like I can do much other then feed myself and be healthy, but I just feel like I have been ignoring the bonding I should be doing at this stage.  I dont often find myself admiring my growing belly or thinking about the wonders of a newborn.  Instead I find myself watching my daughter play and enjoy being a baby.  I find myself clinging more to her then the thought of another. 

Then there are days when I wish I could just get out on my own.  I have never actually had a day to myself since my daughter was born.  I have left her at the max 3 hours and that was to see a movie with my mother.  But now I feel like even if I have a day to myself, it wont really be to myself because I will still have one in tow in the womb.  Its also hard to think about leaving her alone with my husband knowing that she is having weight issues.  He tends to think she is done eating before she really is and its because he gets impatient with her.  I want to know she is eating enough and I dont know if I trust him to ensure she does.  I want a day to myself, but at the same time I want to be able to know my daughter is eating to her tiny little belly's content.

I feel like all I do anymore is worry.  I worry about my daughters health, I worry about how I really feel about having another baby, I worry about what is happening with my own body knowing that the 2-4 oz's of bile I throw up first thing in the morning is not healthy by any means.  I worry about the weight I will soon be gaining and being able to get back to a healthy weight once I have this baby.  I worry about how this baby will effect Monkey and how having the stress of two kids will effect my marriage.  I wish I could just have a day to myself of no worry, no Monkey, and no stress.  However I sadly doubt that will ever happen.

Paci's, Potty's, Spider Monkeys, and Wonderful Food.

So today was the first day I woke up and did not want to vomit or gag.  It was a good morning that I spent munching on food and watching the Monkey run around the house like the crazy child she is.  I also cleaned today.  It felt nice to clean though I started feeling sick when I made it to the kitchen part and so the house is still not how I want it.  On the bright side I got some wonderful Dill Bread made (literally the best I have ever made) before laying down for a little nap.  After my very short nap husband came home and demanded food of course, so I made a freaking awesome Turkey Pot Pie.  I may however use different veggies the next time I go to make it.  I bought frozen and a brand I had never seen before, and I am thinking that next time we shall need a different brand.  After devouring the pie (Monkey and Husband being the main eaters since I had a very late lunch) I cleaned the kitchen while Husband attempted to keep Monkey entertained (did a pretty good job up until she was done eating) and then made brownies (which I am now paying for with an unhappy little Bean).  It was a fairly good day, though I wish I had more energy to get the house cleaner.

So we have taken away paci's finally.  We started yesterday and she did so wonderful at nap time I decided there was no need to slowly go into...well I wish I had reconsidered that thought.  When bed time rolled around she cried for 30 minutes.  I went in right before 9 (I figured night would be harder so I put her down 30 minutes early) and picked her up, calmed her down, and talked to her a little bit.  When I laid her back down she of course screamed bloody murder but fell asleep soon after I left the room.  Today has been a little hard since she is teething.  She is much more crabby not having her paci as a soothing agent and has been clinging to me like the Spider Monkey I hoped she never be.  Nap time was a little bit of crying though not long and bed time was much better tonight.  Maybe 10 minutes of crying.  I feel so bad because I know she is in pain, but I cant give up now. 

We also tried some potty training today.  My thought was do potty training to distract against not having a paci.  Im afraid it backfired due to the teething.  She wore she training panties today and never told me when she had to go potty (though the pee never ran down her leg, she didnt pee an awful lot when she was wearing them) she would just pee and go about her day.  I think since it wasnt a lot of pee she just felt like she was wearing her cloth diapers.  Anyways Ive decided to wait until after this tooth breaks threw and she is over her wanting of a paci.

This may be a long one.

Ok so first off morning sickness is all day sickness for me.  Ive lost three pounds in less then a week and a half.  It has sucked pretty bad, yet some how I look like I am about 3 months pregnant.  Dealing with the Monkey while being sick with the Mean Bean is a little difficult.  Thankfully we have been at my parents for the FFourth of July weekend so Monkey has been well taken care of and I have been well feed.  And of course with coming to visit my family it means that husbands family insist that we come see them, which we don't since last time husband was over their a small exchange of money and pot happened.  I do not want my child around that.  So we didn't go over there, but I guess they decided to come over to my parents.  I told my husband if they want to come over it had to be now (which at the time was 530) it couldn't be at 8.  Well he told them it couldn't be at 8 and they said it wouldn't be.  I really wish he had said what I told him to because of course they come rolling up minutes before 8.  My father is very tired and already in bed asleep, they ring the door bell making the dogs bark and of course are loud upon entering.  Granted they do not know that my dad is asleep in bed, but still.  They did however bring her a b-day gift (her birthday was May 16th and we were here a few weeks after that).  It was a huge gift too that was not cheap which actually made me mad.  Now you may be thinking that I am ungrateful because this has upset me, well that isn't true.  Its a very nice gift, its a learning toy and has a lot to keep her busy.  I am mad because they did not ask what to get her (honestly she has enough toys) and I am mad because I cant help but to wonder why they got it for her.  They are not the kind of people to give something just to be nice.  I feel like they did it to compete with my parents (who wouldn't get her something this big without first asking or having us suggested it) or they are doing it to buy her love.  They aren't around her a lot and they last time I took her to their house (I just want to make it clear I did not want to and I did not leave her) she cried when they tried to hold her.  She didn't have much interest in them this time (except husband's step sister who she loves) and refused to go to them again.  His dad did get a hold of her and tried to make her laugh by throwing her in the air but she wasn't interested.  I know they want to be involved but because of their choices its just not going to happen.  Again I feel as if they are buying her love.  She knew it was from them since it came in with them and was happy about it.  I think they will probably keep doing this which will really cause a problem.  I know however that my daughter is very smart so I have hope that if it does keep up threw the years that she will be smart enough to realize buying your love is not love.  And that is all for now (don't worry this drama will keep up since they are "suppose" to come see us soon).

So my grandmother is in the early stages of Alzheimer.  I knew she was the last time they tested her and said she wasn't.  I had a feeling she was just above the line.  Well now she has is in the early stages.  It has been hard to understand her for the past few years.  In fact when I came home pregnant with Monkey I literally watch her change in just weeks.  At first she made sense and then slowly gaps formed in her sentences and now...well now you just kind of have to fill in the blanks.  My father is a very good man with no patients. He is older. He has had a hard life, raised three kids, and is still working.  He is a strong man and a proud man.  He doesn't have the time or energy to put into caring for my grandmother.  Though I am not for putting a sane senior in a nursing home, however when their mind begins to wonder away from them and they do not know who you are or even who they are, I think they need to be somewhere that has trained professionals to help them.  Sadly my grandmother needs to be some place like this. She has needed to no longer have a car for some time now, though I know if my father took it away it would make her more dependent and take away her own freedom.  Personally I would have said to hell with her driving the day she told him she had not idea what those lines in the middle of the road where for, but he didn't.  My mother has taken over her finances and has discovered she is not eating yet again.  In a month she only spent 15 dollars at Kroger (a grocery store).  She has been going to Dollar General and getting junk food.  Her doctor just recently told her that she had to start drinking water or else she would die.  This is something my parents have been trying to tell her for weeks.  My mother is on the fence about putting her in a home for two reasons.  One she is worried my father will never go and see her.  He wont have to and she thinks because of that he wont.  Number two is because one of two things happens when you put an elderly person in a home.  They either flourish and health returns or they get depressed and die.  Its a 50 50 and my mother just isn't sure anymore.  My grandmother use to be a very social person, but now its almost as if she refuses to do anything that would put her around people other then family.  So we just don't know.  I have a feeling though the time is soon approaching when they will have to make a choice.