So I was scanning threw my facebook this morning when I came across an article about a pregnant woman who was denied a glass of wine by a waiter at a restaurant. The woman said her OB oked it and the waiter simply replied "yea Ive heard that before". For one bitch isnt getting a tip. For two she basically refused to serve this woman simply because she was pregnant (which she had no proof of until the woman said her OB was cool with it). If there was a restaurant policy against it, would have been posted some where and the waiter would have HAD to say its against policy, but NO instead she was a snippy little bitch about it. I drank wine in my last 2 weeks of pregnancy in an attempt to get Miss L out of me. It did not work and it wasnt even 6 ozs of wine, it was like 4. Just enough to make me want more, but not dare do it. Now I could understand if the woman had been like "Hey I want two tequila slammers and a pitcher of beer", but she didnt. She asked for a small glass of wine. So again I say Bitch isnt getting a tip. Rant one over.
So I'm rocking Miss L yesterday. Miss G is enjoying a puzzle on the floor and for a small moment in our day, the house is at peace. Everyone has had lunch, so bellies are full and nap time is only 30 minutes away, bliss. Then the phone rings. Its the darling husband. When I answer he seems happy, so when he asked me if a friends mother worked at the water company I had zero idea where this was going. We had recently (by recently I mean memorial day) run into this friend and her mother and sister while in Walmart. We were visiting my family (which I still am) and chatted up with them for a few minutes catching up. Fast forward back to the husband and his question. I told him yes and he told me his father had just called. Again no idea by his tone where this is going. When his father went to pay his water bill, he saw our friends mother. She was telling him how she saw his gorgeous Granddaughters in Wal Mart. Still not getting where this is going, and honestly its my fault for not seeing it coming. His father was calling to bitch out my dear sweet husband for being in town and "not telling him"
ONE. We did tell him two weeks before we came. Informed him we would only be in town for 6 days and planned on going to the zoo. His response: If you dont want me to see them then just tell me.
TWO: My husband and I have given that jackass notice of every time we will be coming to visit so that he can make plans to see his now granddaughters. His response: You wont bring them over to my house.
SIDENOTE: His woman did a drug deal while my husband was there on a day Miss G and I were suppose to go over but didnt due to me getting violently ill.
TWO A: Husband explained for the 152nd time that he was forced to grow up around that stuff and will not allow his children to be put into any type of situation like that. Not only could that have caused him to loose his daughter had she been with him, but it could destroy his career. His fathers response: So you dont trust me. You always try and get us to go out to eat when you come to town at really expensive places and we dont have money for that shit. Why cant you choose some place like Mc Donalds?
THREE: We only suggested we go out to eat once and it was at Christmas. Told you about it a month in advance so that everyone could come up with the maybe 40 dollars it would cost (two people can eat at this particular restaurant for around 25 dollars...) and left it up to you and everyone else to decide where you wanted to eat. Though we dont eat Mc Donalds nor do we allow our 2 year old to eat it, we would have gladly sat with you and visited. His response: If you dont want me in your life just say so.
After a few more low blows from his father and him informing my husband that he needs to get HIS life together (which is laughable because my husband works his ass off and though he is getting out of the Army he already has another job lined up) my husband had had enough. He informed him yet again that he had never denied him access to his granddaught(s) but since he seems to convinced that my husband wants nothing to do with him then fine. My husband will no longer be calling his father and when we come to town it will not be to see him. He wont be telling him and will have nothing to do with him from this point on.
This is not the first fall out they have had. The first was when his father decided he was going to beat him. My husband was 17, a skater, in wonderful health, and beat the hell out of his father. Did his father throw the first punch and get a hit in, yes. Bruised his face and cut his lip, did my husband hold back when he was defending himself? No and had to be pulled off of his father. My husband is not an angry man, but after the years of crap his father has put him and his brothers threw I didnt blame him. His father was the one who made a move to make peace right before my husband left for basic. Their relationship has be rocky but up until yesterday it has also been ok. I dont think there will be much coming back from this.
Now for the last of my Seriously? moments. After five days of little sleep due to a sick colicy baby, my phone rings yet again. It is my husband and he sounds panicked. He tells me someone just called him telling him that I am about to go to jail because I was suppose to show up for Jury duty and never did. He gives me a number to call. I call it. After listening to it and getting pissed waiting for the option of speak to a human being it informs me that this is a joke. I refuse to take my husbands phone calls.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
With a toddler on my hip and a baby on my breast...
I took an extended leave of absence. Life tends to get in the way of silly things like a blog with faceless readers but for today I am back. Life for myslef is beyond what I could have ever imagined. I have been blessed with two wonderful children and a devoted husband. Despite how we may fight that man has and always will stand by my side threw anything. I owe him not only my heart (which is his and most certainly will always belong to him) but I also owe him my gratitude for without all his hard work I would not be where I am today which is at home with our darling girls.
I remember when I was pregnant with our first little monkey and my aunt and cousin thought I was beyond mad for saying I was planning on going completely natural. Little did I know then that soon not only my extended family would find my parenting choices less then modern but so would almost every stranger I would soon come across.
Once our first little monkey arrived I tried my damnest for the first 6 weeks to breast feed. It ended the day monkey and I both were crying hieratically over my breast. I had some guilt but knew in the end I was doing what was best for my child. Our next issue came in the form of diapers. Pampers were the only ones that saved my little one from the horrors called rashes. Huggies burned her skin and after the horror stories I had heard from parents choice users I didn't even bother. Now as an uneducated new mother I had no idea of my "other" options.
When someone says cloth diapers most have this mental picture of folded cloth and rubber pants. They picture a hassle and horrible smelling laundry rooms, or at least that's what I pictured. I pictured leaks, stained clothing, and a sudden hatred for parenting. Little did I know cloth diapers have advanced to fit modern society, not that people who use disposables ever admit it, but after a year of buying pampers that never had her size in stock, I decided to look into it. Honestly I owe it all to my friend. She too was tired of the added expense and wanted something better.
I tried them and loved them but then disaster hit. We can call it a night of passion or we can call it what it was. A natural fail in pity sex. In my never ending crusade to stick to the natural right of things we had decided to practice the rythme method. I will simply say it invovles knowing your body which I did very well so well in fact that when saying what I did to my husband that one night of "passion" I had also known that that day was a no no day. But things happened and about six weeks later the strip showed two very clear lines. So with a toddler on my hip the emotional roller coaster began. And thanks to these little things called hormones the fluff was put up. I could not with stand the poop. A few months later I pulled the fluff out again and we gave it another go. After one horrible rash we jumped on the potty train. Our little monkey was a champ, so long as she was naked. As my belly grew and Christmas loomed a head of us I had a naked toddler running loose in my house. We packed up her fluff, threw some clothes on that naked butt, and headed to grandmas. Of course disaster struck again in the form of family problems and one messed up back. Monkey reverted back to full time fluff. Still though my belly grew and monkey number two was soon to arrive. I worried as I watched the bills and knew diapers weren't in the cards. I began then to research different kinds of cloth, bought a diaper sprayer and broke our bank account making sure both my little monkeys have enough fluff for their cute little butts. I got looks, I got eye rolls, and I got comments when my cute little monkey walked in with that cute little fluff butt. I simply smiled and said yes we cloth diaper.
Enter monkey number two. She came in with a bang, the cord wrapped around her head, shoulder's, and a big old tight knot. Her heart rate kept dropping and had my water not broken when it did she might not even be here today. Breastfeeding was to say the least diffecult for the first two weeks. We stuck to pampers to help with the stress until life settled down and until our little monkey could fit her fluff. Soon though I had the breastfeeding down and both girls with cute fluff butts. Oh I got looks. Nursing in public, changing cloth diapers, wearing my youngest in a sling or wrap. People thought I was crazy. I am constantly asked how I do it. I simply smile and shrug. Truthfully I have no idea. I notice that I drink more coffee now and watch little tv. My own personal wants come last. I sacrifice showers for sleep and nice clothes for comfy sweats. I some how just get by. Most days I am beyond tired. My poor body needs major attention after carying and delivering two healthy babies and I plan on gettimg on top of that soon. For now though I go threw my days clothing one, potty trainging the other and walking around with a toddler on my hip and a baby on my breast.
I remember when I was pregnant with our first little monkey and my aunt and cousin thought I was beyond mad for saying I was planning on going completely natural. Little did I know then that soon not only my extended family would find my parenting choices less then modern but so would almost every stranger I would soon come across.
Once our first little monkey arrived I tried my damnest for the first 6 weeks to breast feed. It ended the day monkey and I both were crying hieratically over my breast. I had some guilt but knew in the end I was doing what was best for my child. Our next issue came in the form of diapers. Pampers were the only ones that saved my little one from the horrors called rashes. Huggies burned her skin and after the horror stories I had heard from parents choice users I didn't even bother. Now as an uneducated new mother I had no idea of my "other" options.
When someone says cloth diapers most have this mental picture of folded cloth and rubber pants. They picture a hassle and horrible smelling laundry rooms, or at least that's what I pictured. I pictured leaks, stained clothing, and a sudden hatred for parenting. Little did I know cloth diapers have advanced to fit modern society, not that people who use disposables ever admit it, but after a year of buying pampers that never had her size in stock, I decided to look into it. Honestly I owe it all to my friend. She too was tired of the added expense and wanted something better.
I tried them and loved them but then disaster hit. We can call it a night of passion or we can call it what it was. A natural fail in pity sex. In my never ending crusade to stick to the natural right of things we had decided to practice the rythme method. I will simply say it invovles knowing your body which I did very well so well in fact that when saying what I did to my husband that one night of "passion" I had also known that that day was a no no day. But things happened and about six weeks later the strip showed two very clear lines. So with a toddler on my hip the emotional roller coaster began. And thanks to these little things called hormones the fluff was put up. I could not with stand the poop. A few months later I pulled the fluff out again and we gave it another go. After one horrible rash we jumped on the potty train. Our little monkey was a champ, so long as she was naked. As my belly grew and Christmas loomed a head of us I had a naked toddler running loose in my house. We packed up her fluff, threw some clothes on that naked butt, and headed to grandmas. Of course disaster struck again in the form of family problems and one messed up back. Monkey reverted back to full time fluff. Still though my belly grew and monkey number two was soon to arrive. I worried as I watched the bills and knew diapers weren't in the cards. I began then to research different kinds of cloth, bought a diaper sprayer and broke our bank account making sure both my little monkeys have enough fluff for their cute little butts. I got looks, I got eye rolls, and I got comments when my cute little monkey walked in with that cute little fluff butt. I simply smiled and said yes we cloth diaper.
Enter monkey number two. She came in with a bang, the cord wrapped around her head, shoulder's, and a big old tight knot. Her heart rate kept dropping and had my water not broken when it did she might not even be here today. Breastfeeding was to say the least diffecult for the first two weeks. We stuck to pampers to help with the stress until life settled down and until our little monkey could fit her fluff. Soon though I had the breastfeeding down and both girls with cute fluff butts. Oh I got looks. Nursing in public, changing cloth diapers, wearing my youngest in a sling or wrap. People thought I was crazy. I am constantly asked how I do it. I simply smile and shrug. Truthfully I have no idea. I notice that I drink more coffee now and watch little tv. My own personal wants come last. I sacrifice showers for sleep and nice clothes for comfy sweats. I some how just get by. Most days I am beyond tired. My poor body needs major attention after carying and delivering two healthy babies and I plan on gettimg on top of that soon. For now though I go threw my days clothing one, potty trainging the other and walking around with a toddler on my hip and a baby on my breast.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Potty training, Von Willebands, and so much more galore!
I would first like to state that for anyone who read my last post I was very much defeated at that moment. There has been a ton of stress with this pregnancy and this part of our lives in general. I think as a human I am allowed to have a little break down every once in a while. Moving on.
Lets first begin with Von Willebands! (and no I did not just make that up) My daughter has been diagnosed with this crazy sounding thing and I am about to be test for it myself since my husband has tested negative. What is it you may be asking? A blood clotting disorder where you blood does not clot probably. Its not too big of a worry for bleeding if you are say punched in the arm, however get punched in the head and you may be bleeding from every available hole in your head (basically I'm saying you have to worry about excessive bleeding from head injuries, not body). It is possible for me to test negative for this (and I know my husband will then suddenly decide if he test negative again that we must get a DNA test on our child since its passed from parent to child) because I am pregnant. Pregnancy can actually cause things that are wrong in your body to work properly. Hopefully I do test negative right now since I just read that testing positive can mean I have type 2 or 3 which is bad. I will obviously be tested again if this happens after I have our little Bean and more then likely I will test positive, though there is still a small chance that neither I nor my husband have it. No no I did not cheat and Monkey is 100% his (the proof is in the child) but I did just read that since this is a gene mutation it's possible that her gene mutated without us passing anything to her. Its why any family can get this disorder. I found that interesting. Had I read this two days ago I would have been jumping for joy and throwing it in his face that I was right all along I do not have it! However, that past two days I have had a nose bleed first thing in morning. Frequent nose bleeds are a symptom. From the time I was born all the way up until I turned 9 I would have crazy nose bleeds. My mother would come into my room when I was a baby to find me a sleep in a crib full of dried blood. As I got older they got worse to the point of blood clots as long as worms coming out of my nose. That is when I got my nose cauterized. Up until two days ago I never had a nose bleed again. Needless to say when I did I freaked out. I also have one more symptom, easy bruising, but I am fair skinned which is what I always lammed it on to begin with. What honestly bothers me and I have been tested for another blood clotting disorder called Factor 5. Its when your blood over clots basically. That came back negative but shouldn't it have shown that I was going in the other direction? It just bothers me. Anyways, it looks like Monkey and I are doomed to be bleeders and little Bean will have to be tested as well.
Well as in most families money is always an issue and worry. Cloth diapers were something I decided to give a try when Monkey turned one. I was in no true rush for potty training, but also figured we'd give it a try around 15 months. Anyways, everything was going great with the cloth diapers and I was actually enjoying them until the pregnancy hormones kicked in. If Monkey had a poopy diaper I found I was trying my hardest not to vomit all over the place while changing her. So sadly we went back to diapers. Then our money issues made me go back to cloth (thankfully her poop no longer bothered me). The second day shes back in cloth she gets a horrible diaper rash, and I mean horrible. She was crying if she sat down, she screamed blood murder while I wiped her butt, it was aweful. I felt so horrible. I had her daddy put her straight in a warm bath and it seemed to instantly soothe her very red bottom. I found a few left over diapers (about 5) and knew with as bad as her butt was they wouldnt last us threw the healing. I couldnt use the diaper rash cream we had on her with our cloth diapers so I came up with the best option. "Tomorrow we start potty training" I said to my husband. He was going to be off work for a few more days so it seemed like the perfect time. We have not looked back since. Now she wears two cloth diapers a day. One for nap time and one for bedtime, otherwise she is naked from the waist down (while at home anyways). She has done very well so far. She doesnt even tell us she has to go, just goes and sits on her potty then jumps and says "I pee pee!" or in today's case "I poop poop!". And believe me that last one was a miracle. She has peed on our carpet a lot obviously and I have already steam cleaned our carpets once, but after about 4 or 5 days she mainly peed in the potty. Pooping however...it has been a fight since day one. Kid would sit and scream on the potty while she pooped. For some reason it freaked her out. She even held it some times until we put a diaper on her. She has also pooped on the floor...a lot and funny enough almost always on daddy's watch. The one time she did it on my watch I was in the kitchen. My husband goes crazy when she poops on the floor. He covers the "infected area" with cleaner then pulls out the steam cleaner and goes over the spot 20 times before he finally feels like it is safe her human contact again. I dont mind it, I just wish he would go that crazy when she poops in the potty. He dumps out the poop and doesnt even wash out the potty. Drives me mad. Anyways I was half asleep on the couch when I heard my dear sweet Monkey jump and say "I poop poop!" Thinking she peed and possibly passed some gas (making her think she pooped) I got up and looked. Sure enough she had pooped and peed all on her own. I was so happy. We went straight to the bathroom and flushed it all down the potty (she loves to flush). Not only was this a huge step for her, but it was also a wonderful relief to know she wasnt back tracking since yesterday she decided to only pee on the floor (which means I have to pull out the steam cleaner today). The day before she was in a pull up since we were out and about. She did wonderful, not one accident (until nap time). If I asked her if she needed to pee she would say yes and off to the potty we would go. She even told me once that she had to go. I was so very proud. I would like her to be in panties by Christmas ( as cute as her naked butt is I think she may need to have some type of coverage for being around family). I was planning on starting the panties training earlier this week, but now I think it will have to wait until next Friday. We just have too much going on with appointments. My kid is very smart and catches on so fast, so I think we'll be able to get the panties training down in no time (I pray anyways). We also tried to ditch one side of the railing on her crib...she fell out twice but that wasnt our problem. Our problem was her waking up at 7 (still being very tired) refusing to go back to bed and then only taking an hour nap when we knew she need 2 hours or more (since she got up so early in the morning). We put the railing back on and her naps have gone back to 2 hours and she is staying asleep til 8 unless daddy is too loud in the morning. Though I wish she would sleep til 9 like the old days, I am still thankfully to get my sleep back.
There is still much more I could write about but my belly is growling as I am sure Monkey's is too. I think we shall eat some lunch and then I will get to work on my pee stained carpets.
Lets first begin with Von Willebands! (and no I did not just make that up) My daughter has been diagnosed with this crazy sounding thing and I am about to be test for it myself since my husband has tested negative. What is it you may be asking? A blood clotting disorder where you blood does not clot probably. Its not too big of a worry for bleeding if you are say punched in the arm, however get punched in the head and you may be bleeding from every available hole in your head (basically I'm saying you have to worry about excessive bleeding from head injuries, not body). It is possible for me to test negative for this (and I know my husband will then suddenly decide if he test negative again that we must get a DNA test on our child since its passed from parent to child) because I am pregnant. Pregnancy can actually cause things that are wrong in your body to work properly. Hopefully I do test negative right now since I just read that testing positive can mean I have type 2 or 3 which is bad. I will obviously be tested again if this happens after I have our little Bean and more then likely I will test positive, though there is still a small chance that neither I nor my husband have it. No no I did not cheat and Monkey is 100% his (the proof is in the child) but I did just read that since this is a gene mutation it's possible that her gene mutated without us passing anything to her. Its why any family can get this disorder. I found that interesting. Had I read this two days ago I would have been jumping for joy and throwing it in his face that I was right all along I do not have it! However, that past two days I have had a nose bleed first thing in morning. Frequent nose bleeds are a symptom. From the time I was born all the way up until I turned 9 I would have crazy nose bleeds. My mother would come into my room when I was a baby to find me a sleep in a crib full of dried blood. As I got older they got worse to the point of blood clots as long as worms coming out of my nose. That is when I got my nose cauterized. Up until two days ago I never had a nose bleed again. Needless to say when I did I freaked out. I also have one more symptom, easy bruising, but I am fair skinned which is what I always lammed it on to begin with. What honestly bothers me and I have been tested for another blood clotting disorder called Factor 5. Its when your blood over clots basically. That came back negative but shouldn't it have shown that I was going in the other direction? It just bothers me. Anyways, it looks like Monkey and I are doomed to be bleeders and little Bean will have to be tested as well.
Well as in most families money is always an issue and worry. Cloth diapers were something I decided to give a try when Monkey turned one. I was in no true rush for potty training, but also figured we'd give it a try around 15 months. Anyways, everything was going great with the cloth diapers and I was actually enjoying them until the pregnancy hormones kicked in. If Monkey had a poopy diaper I found I was trying my hardest not to vomit all over the place while changing her. So sadly we went back to diapers. Then our money issues made me go back to cloth (thankfully her poop no longer bothered me). The second day shes back in cloth she gets a horrible diaper rash, and I mean horrible. She was crying if she sat down, she screamed blood murder while I wiped her butt, it was aweful. I felt so horrible. I had her daddy put her straight in a warm bath and it seemed to instantly soothe her very red bottom. I found a few left over diapers (about 5) and knew with as bad as her butt was they wouldnt last us threw the healing. I couldnt use the diaper rash cream we had on her with our cloth diapers so I came up with the best option. "Tomorrow we start potty training" I said to my husband. He was going to be off work for a few more days so it seemed like the perfect time. We have not looked back since. Now she wears two cloth diapers a day. One for nap time and one for bedtime, otherwise she is naked from the waist down (while at home anyways). She has done very well so far. She doesnt even tell us she has to go, just goes and sits on her potty then jumps and says "I pee pee!" or in today's case "I poop poop!". And believe me that last one was a miracle. She has peed on our carpet a lot obviously and I have already steam cleaned our carpets once, but after about 4 or 5 days she mainly peed in the potty. Pooping however...it has been a fight since day one. Kid would sit and scream on the potty while she pooped. For some reason it freaked her out. She even held it some times until we put a diaper on her. She has also pooped on the floor...a lot and funny enough almost always on daddy's watch. The one time she did it on my watch I was in the kitchen. My husband goes crazy when she poops on the floor. He covers the "infected area" with cleaner then pulls out the steam cleaner and goes over the spot 20 times before he finally feels like it is safe her human contact again. I dont mind it, I just wish he would go that crazy when she poops in the potty. He dumps out the poop and doesnt even wash out the potty. Drives me mad. Anyways I was half asleep on the couch when I heard my dear sweet Monkey jump and say "I poop poop!" Thinking she peed and possibly passed some gas (making her think she pooped) I got up and looked. Sure enough she had pooped and peed all on her own. I was so happy. We went straight to the bathroom and flushed it all down the potty (she loves to flush). Not only was this a huge step for her, but it was also a wonderful relief to know she wasnt back tracking since yesterday she decided to only pee on the floor (which means I have to pull out the steam cleaner today). The day before she was in a pull up since we were out and about. She did wonderful, not one accident (until nap time). If I asked her if she needed to pee she would say yes and off to the potty we would go. She even told me once that she had to go. I was so very proud. I would like her to be in panties by Christmas ( as cute as her naked butt is I think she may need to have some type of coverage for being around family). I was planning on starting the panties training earlier this week, but now I think it will have to wait until next Friday. We just have too much going on with appointments. My kid is very smart and catches on so fast, so I think we'll be able to get the panties training down in no time (I pray anyways). We also tried to ditch one side of the railing on her crib...she fell out twice but that wasnt our problem. Our problem was her waking up at 7 (still being very tired) refusing to go back to bed and then only taking an hour nap when we knew she need 2 hours or more (since she got up so early in the morning). We put the railing back on and her naps have gone back to 2 hours and she is staying asleep til 8 unless daddy is too loud in the morning. Though I wish she would sleep til 9 like the old days, I am still thankfully to get my sleep back.
There is still much more I could write about but my belly is growling as I am sure Monkey's is too. I think we shall eat some lunch and then I will get to work on my pee stained carpets.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I am defeated.
I have never considered myself a failure until today. I have always thought that not only would there be a silver lining but that I had also tried my hardest at whatever it was I had done. Today however I do not feel this way. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I do not see how I have done my best at providing a good life for my child. All I see is failure. I can not see how to even fix this. Working isnt an option during the week since I have no one to watch my child for free. Leaving her alone with my broken husband on the weekends doesnt seem like a workable plan since he is not even suppose to lift her and is easy frustrated by her. It is not that I cant feed my daughter, or pay my pills. I can do both. I can provide food and shelter for her and her soon to be sister, but that is where the line is drawn. I can not provide clothes (though thankfully for now both of my girls will be clothed since one never seems to grow and the other will have her sisters baby clothes to wear), I can not provide toys, nor can I provide all the wants of a little girl. I can not give her the things that other children have and I can no longer ask for help. I can not face myself in the mirror if I ask for help again. Her grandparents should not be the ones who give her clothes and toys because her parents can not afford it. My daughter is the only reason for my being. She is everything to me and I can not imagine a world without her which only intensifies the fact that I can not give her everything she deserves.
I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks. I am sure that my husband has too. We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit. I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves. We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start. We thought everything would work out better here. Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much. My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work. He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant. He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over. Life is very stressful more so for me then him. He still has faith. Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending.
At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure. I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon. I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January. She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to. I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue. She is not my daughters provider. I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer. It is not a gift when it is needed. It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer. I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light. The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps. I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself. I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".
I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks. I am sure that my husband has too. We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit. I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves. We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start. We thought everything would work out better here. Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much. My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work. He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant. He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over. Life is very stressful more so for me then him. He still has faith. Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending.
At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure. I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon. I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January. She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to. I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue. She is not my daughters provider. I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer. It is not a gift when it is needed. It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer. I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light. The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps. I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself. I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".
Sunday, August 28, 2011
"Rouler dans le profond"
Well it has certainly been awhile since I have posted. Life has been stressful to say the least. Husband got his ankle surgery and well I have just been overloaded. I am very tired almost all the time and entirely too stressed out. Thankfully we will be heading down to my parents next week so I can get a little break (and they can get some Monkey time). I have some projects I need to start on, however I just dont feel like I have the time or energy. Hopefully once husband's cast comes off things will get a little easier and I can start on my fun fun projects haha. I plan on making a cocoon for the Bean (probably waiting til we know the sex so I can do it in a color that works with baby). Its kind of like a swaddling blanket only you just put them down into it. I am also going to make Monkey a big Star blanket for her new bed (so that way when we switch her to a big girl bed it just seems even more special). I havent decided on the colors for that one just yet. I dont think I want to make her another pink one, but Im not too sure what color I do want to do. I may just let her pick out the two colors. I also have to get to work on an afghan for our good buddy in NY. I need that one done by Christmas, so I think I need to get started. It shouldnt take me long since it will just be a standard afghan. I plan on going threw my moms books to see if I can find a simple one that is still really nice. I also know that she has an insane amount of yarn laying around so I may sift threw all of that too for Bean's cocoon.
My friend Michell has gotten me bitten by the craft fairy yet again haha. She wants to get into sewing which is something I have been toying around with for a while myself. My mother keeps telling me she wants to make Monkey some play clothes (which will have to be put on hold because its turning into fall and winter) which of course got me wanting to. And now my friend has been telling me about making the bedding for her new little one on the way and I think that would just be wonderful to do. I'll also have a lot of time to do since we kept Monkey in our room until she was 6 months and I plan on doing the same with this one. So we wont use the crib until 6 months which gives me at least that long to find time to make it. Pretty excited about this, only problem is I need a sewing machine! I really just want a nice simple one. Doesnt have to be expensive and it most certainly doesnt need to do a lot of fancy things. The basics will do just fine.
OK so its pretty much expected for me to put something beyond weird in my blog. I think its been a little while since I've done it so here goes:
This is a creepy recurring pregnancy dream. I have a dream that my jaw hurts really bad and if I try to open or close it cracks and pops and hurts even more. Well finally the other night the dream got worse. My upper jaw came out of my mouth and I started spitting out my bottom teeth until I only had four left. I was crying and screaming in hysteria. It was awful. When I woke up...my jaw hurt. I still have dreams about my jaw hurting but thankfully everything is still intact.
My friend Michell has gotten me bitten by the craft fairy yet again haha. She wants to get into sewing which is something I have been toying around with for a while myself. My mother keeps telling me she wants to make Monkey some play clothes (which will have to be put on hold because its turning into fall and winter) which of course got me wanting to. And now my friend has been telling me about making the bedding for her new little one on the way and I think that would just be wonderful to do. I'll also have a lot of time to do since we kept Monkey in our room until she was 6 months and I plan on doing the same with this one. So we wont use the crib until 6 months which gives me at least that long to find time to make it. Pretty excited about this, only problem is I need a sewing machine! I really just want a nice simple one. Doesnt have to be expensive and it most certainly doesnt need to do a lot of fancy things. The basics will do just fine.
OK so its pretty much expected for me to put something beyond weird in my blog. I think its been a little while since I've done it so here goes:
This is a creepy recurring pregnancy dream. I have a dream that my jaw hurts really bad and if I try to open or close it cracks and pops and hurts even more. Well finally the other night the dream got worse. My upper jaw came out of my mouth and I started spitting out my bottom teeth until I only had four left. I was crying and screaming in hysteria. It was awful. When I woke up...my jaw hurt. I still have dreams about my jaw hurting but thankfully everything is still intact.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Pregnancy...you suck.
So I am miserable. I was not this way with Monkey. It is just awful. Even with the pills to keep me from feeling nausea I still feel sick all the time. I cant seem to throw up though instead I just gag. I want to be able to clean my house. I am so tired of it looking like a hurricane has blown threw my living room. I want my sense of smell to go back to being dull and not notice small insignificant things like when my husband has pickles on his sandwich. I want to have energy to play with my daughter and enjoy her being at such a fun age. I am just plan tired of this pregnancy causing me such misery!
On a lighter note (though not really) poor Sammy just seems to constantly have diarrhea. In fact it was so bad today (apparently) that she ended up going on the back porch instead of the yard. Not fun to clean off and I now need to get some type of cleaner and brush to scrub it all off since the heat here makes things really dry in and set. I am wondering if she isnt getting into the decomposition piles. Sid is not having the same issue, so it has to be just something Samantha keeps getting. I may need to spy on her when she goes outside for a while.
So there is a small glimmer of hope that my mother and sister may be coming down to see us in September. I really hope they do because we never have visitors. We always lived too far away from anyone to come and see us, and now that we live closer it would be nice to have family come see us. I've been trying to figure out the sleeping situation since we dont have an extra room and my sister is pregnant (so our blow up mattress may not be comfy enough for her). I dont want them to have to stay at a hotel because thats just more money and then I wont get to see them as much. I guess I'll just have to keep trying to figure something out.
On a lighter note (though not really) poor Sammy just seems to constantly have diarrhea. In fact it was so bad today (apparently) that she ended up going on the back porch instead of the yard. Not fun to clean off and I now need to get some type of cleaner and brush to scrub it all off since the heat here makes things really dry in and set. I am wondering if she isnt getting into the decomposition piles. Sid is not having the same issue, so it has to be just something Samantha keeps getting. I may need to spy on her when she goes outside for a while.
So there is a small glimmer of hope that my mother and sister may be coming down to see us in September. I really hope they do because we never have visitors. We always lived too far away from anyone to come and see us, and now that we live closer it would be nice to have family come see us. I've been trying to figure out the sleeping situation since we dont have an extra room and my sister is pregnant (so our blow up mattress may not be comfy enough for her). I dont want them to have to stay at a hotel because thats just more money and then I wont get to see them as much. I guess I'll just have to keep trying to figure something out.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Can I rant about stupid people? I cant? Well too bad.
So I have a "friend" who is just freaking stupid. I know thats mean and I am being judgmental and putting her down. I am aware of this, but how about you just hear me out real quick. So her daughter is younger then mine. She will be turning a year old in August. When her daughter was around 8 months she gave her Dr. Pepper in a bottle. She also gave her orange juice around 6 months (not that bad but its not encouraged due to the acid). She also switched her to a forward facing carseat at 11 months. I kindly explained to her that its recommend you wait until 2 years so she put her daughter back into an infant carseat (which she still fit into just fine) and then put her back into the forward facing one a few days later and not even in the center. I happen to know that the carseat she has can go rear or forward. Anyways I just read that she gave her daughter a Hershey's bar. She said "Never ever give you child a Hershey's bar. It will make them super hyper." Really? Ya think? Ugh It just annoys me so much when people do this kind of crap. So they not realize what they are doing to their children? I could understand a bite (after a year old) but a whole freaking bar? And Dr Pepper? Really? Where is the good in a Dr. Pepper? There is none. I feel awful for her little girls (she also has a 6 year old). Ok rant over.
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