Potty training, Von Willebands, and so much more galore!

I would first like to state that for anyone who read my last post I was very much defeated at that moment.  There has been a ton of stress with this pregnancy and this part of our lives in general.  I think as a human I am allowed to have a little break down every once in a while.  Moving on.

Lets first begin with Von Willebands! (and no I did not just make that up)  My daughter has been diagnosed with this crazy sounding thing and I am about to be test for it myself since my husband has tested negative.  What is it you may be asking?  A blood clotting disorder where you blood does not clot probably.  Its not too big of a worry for bleeding if you are say punched in the arm, however get punched in the head and you may be bleeding from every available hole in your head (basically I'm saying you have to worry about excessive bleeding from head injuries, not body).  It is possible for me to test negative for this (and I know my husband will then suddenly decide if he test negative again that we must get a DNA test on our child since its passed from parent to child) because I am pregnant.  Pregnancy can actually cause things that are wrong in your body to work properly.  Hopefully I do test negative right now since I just read that testing positive can mean I have type 2 or 3 which is bad.  I will obviously be tested again if this happens after I have our little Bean and more then likely I will test positive, though there is still a small chance that neither I nor my husband have it.  No no I did not cheat and Monkey is 100% his (the proof is in the child) but I did just read that since this is a gene mutation it's possible that her gene mutated without us passing anything to her.  Its why any family can get this disorder.  I found that interesting.  Had I read this two days ago I would have been jumping for joy and throwing it in his face that I was right all along I do not have it!  However, that past two days I have had a nose bleed first thing in morning.  Frequent nose bleeds are a symptom.  From the time I was born all the way up until I turned 9 I would have crazy nose bleeds.  My mother would come into my room when I was a baby to find me a sleep in a crib full of dried blood.  As I got older they got worse to the point of blood clots as long as worms coming out of my nose.  That is when I got my nose cauterized.  Up until two days ago I never had a nose bleed again.  Needless to say when I did I freaked out.  I also have one more symptom, easy bruising, but I am fair skinned which is what I always lammed it on to begin with.  What honestly bothers me and I have been tested for another blood clotting disorder called Factor 5.  Its when your blood over clots basically.  That came back negative but shouldn't it have shown that I was going in the other direction?  It just bothers me.  Anyways, it looks like Monkey and I are doomed to be bleeders and little Bean will have to be tested as well.

Well as in most families money is always an issue and worry.  Cloth diapers were something I decided to give a try when Monkey turned one.  I was in no true rush for potty training, but also figured we'd give it a try around 15 months.  Anyways, everything was going great with the cloth diapers and I was actually enjoying them until the pregnancy hormones kicked in.  If Monkey had a poopy diaper I found I was trying my hardest not to vomit all over the place while changing her.  So sadly we went back to diapers.  Then our money issues made me go back to cloth (thankfully her poop no longer bothered me).  The second day shes back in cloth she gets a horrible diaper rash, and I mean horrible.  She was crying if she sat down, she screamed blood murder while I wiped her butt, it was aweful.  I felt so horrible.  I had her daddy put her straight in a warm bath and it seemed to instantly soothe her very red bottom.  I found a few left over diapers (about 5) and knew with as bad as her butt was they wouldnt last us threw the healing.  I couldnt use the diaper rash cream we had on her with our cloth diapers so I came up with the best option.  "Tomorrow we start potty training" I said to my husband.  He was going to be off work for a few more days so it seemed like the perfect time.  We have not looked back since.  Now she wears two cloth diapers a day.  One for nap time and one for bedtime, otherwise she is naked from the waist down (while at home anyways).  She has done very well so far.  She doesnt even tell us she has to go, just goes and sits on her potty then jumps and says "I pee pee!"  or in today's case "I poop poop!".  And believe me that last one was a miracle.  She has peed on our carpet a lot obviously and I have already steam cleaned our carpets once, but after about 4 or 5 days she mainly peed in the potty.  Pooping however...it has been a fight since day one.  Kid would sit and scream on the potty while she pooped.  For some reason it freaked her out.  She even held it some times until we put a diaper on her.  She has also pooped on the floor...a lot and funny enough almost always on daddy's watch.  The one time she did it on my watch I was in the kitchen.  My husband goes crazy when she poops on the floor.  He covers the "infected area" with cleaner then pulls out the steam cleaner and goes over the spot 20 times before he finally feels like it is safe her human contact again.  I dont mind it, I just wish he would go that crazy when she poops in the potty.  He dumps out the poop and doesnt even wash out the potty.  Drives me mad.  Anyways I was half asleep on the couch when I heard my dear sweet Monkey jump and say "I poop poop!"  Thinking she peed and possibly passed some gas (making her think she pooped) I got up and looked.  Sure enough she had pooped and peed all on her own.  I was so happy.  We went straight to the bathroom and flushed it all down the potty (she loves to flush).  Not only was this a huge step for her, but it was also a wonderful relief to know she wasnt back tracking since yesterday she decided to only pee on the floor (which means I have to pull out the steam cleaner today).  The day before she was in a pull up since we were out and about.  She did wonderful, not one accident (until nap time).  If I asked her if she needed to pee she would say yes and off to the potty we would go.  She even told me once that she had to go.  I was so very proud.  I would like her to be in panties by Christmas ( as cute as her naked butt is I think she may need to have some type of coverage for being around family).  I was planning on starting the panties training earlier this week, but now I think it will have to wait until next Friday.  We just have too much going on with appointments.  My kid is very smart and catches on so fast, so I think we'll be able to get the panties training down in no time (I pray anyways).  We also tried to ditch one side of the railing on her crib...she fell out twice but that wasnt our problem.  Our problem was her waking up at 7 (still being very tired) refusing to go back to bed and then only taking an hour nap when we knew she need 2 hours or more (since she got up so early in the morning).  We put the railing back on and her naps have gone back to 2 hours and she is staying asleep til 8 unless daddy is too loud in the morning.  Though I wish she would sleep til 9 like the old days, I am still thankfully to get my sleep back.

There is still much more I could write about but my belly is growling as I am sure Monkey's is too.  I think we shall eat some lunch and then I will get to work on my pee stained carpets.

I am defeated.

I have never considered myself a failure until today.  I have always thought that not only would there be a silver lining but that I had also tried my hardest at whatever it was I had done.  Today however I do not feel this way.  I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do not see how I have done my best at providing a good life for my child.  All I see is failure.  I can not see how to even fix this.  Working isnt an option during the week since I have no one to watch my child for free.  Leaving her alone with my broken husband on the weekends doesnt seem like a workable plan since he is not even suppose to lift her and is easy frustrated by her.  It is not that I cant feed my daughter, or pay my pills.  I can do both.  I can provide food and shelter for her and her soon to be sister, but that is where the line is drawn.  I can not provide clothes (though thankfully for now both of my girls will be clothed since one never seems to grow and the other will have her sisters baby clothes to wear), I can not provide toys, nor can I provide all the wants of a little girl.  I can not give her the things that other children have and I can no longer ask for help.  I can not face myself in the mirror if I ask for help again.  Her grandparents should not be the ones who give her clothes and toys because her parents can not afford it.  My daughter is the only reason for my being.  She is everything to me and I can not imagine a world without her which only intensifies the fact that I can not give her everything she deserves. 

I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks.  I am sure that my husband has too.  We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit.  I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves.  We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start.  We thought everything would work out better here.  Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much.  My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work.  He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant.  He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over.  Life is very stressful more so for me then him.  He still has faith.  Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending. 

At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure.  I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon.  I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January.  She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to.  I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue.  She is not my daughters provider.  I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer.  It is not a gift when it is needed.  It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer.  I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light.  The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps.  I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself.  I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".

"Rouler dans le profond"

Well it has certainly been awhile since I have posted.  Life has been stressful to say the least.  Husband got his ankle surgery and well I have just been overloaded.  I am very tired almost all the time and entirely too stressed out.  Thankfully we will be heading down to my parents next week so I can get a little break (and they can get some Monkey time).  I have some projects I need to start on, however I just dont feel like I have the time or energy.  Hopefully once husband's cast comes off things will get a little easier and I can start on my fun fun projects haha.  I plan on making a cocoon for the Bean (probably waiting til we know the sex so I can do it in a color that works with baby).  Its kind of like a swaddling blanket only you just put them down into it.  I am also going to make Monkey a big Star blanket for her new bed (so that way when we switch her to a big girl bed it just seems even more special).  I havent decided on the colors for that one just yet.  I dont think I want to make her another pink one, but Im not too sure what color I do want to do.  I may just let her pick out the two colors.  I also have to get to work on an afghan for our good buddy in NY.  I need that one done by Christmas, so I think I need to get started.  It shouldnt take me long since it will just be a standard afghan.  I plan on going threw my moms books to see if I can find a simple one that is still really nice.  I also know that she has an insane amount of yarn laying around so I may sift threw all of that too for Bean's cocoon.

My friend Michell has gotten me bitten by the craft fairy yet again haha.  She wants to get into sewing which is something I have been toying around with for a while myself.  My mother keeps telling me she wants to make Monkey some play clothes (which will have to be put on hold because its turning into fall and winter) which of course got me wanting to.  And now my friend has been telling me about making the bedding for her new little one on the way and I think that would just be wonderful to do.  I'll also have a lot of time to do since we kept Monkey in our room until she was 6 months and I plan on doing the same with this one.  So we wont use the crib until 6 months which gives me at least that long to find time to make it.  Pretty excited about this, only problem is I need a sewing machine!  I really just want a nice simple one.  Doesnt have to be expensive and it most certainly doesnt need to do a lot of fancy things.  The basics will do just fine.

OK so its pretty much expected for me to put something beyond weird in my blog.  I think its been a little while since I've done it so here goes:

This is a creepy recurring pregnancy dream.  I have a dream that my jaw hurts really bad and if I try to open or close it cracks and pops and hurts even more.  Well finally the other night the dream got worse.  My upper jaw came out of my mouth and I started spitting out my bottom teeth until I only had four left.  I was crying and screaming in hysteria.  It was awful.  When I woke up...my jaw hurt.  I still have dreams about my jaw hurting but thankfully everything is still intact.

Pregnancy...you suck.

So I am miserable.  I was not this way with Monkey.  It is just awful.  Even with the pills to keep me from feeling nausea I still feel sick all the time.  I cant seem to throw up though instead I just gag.  I want to be able to clean my house.  I am so tired of it looking like a hurricane has blown threw my living room.  I want my sense of smell to go back to being dull and not notice small insignificant things like when my husband has pickles on his sandwich.  I want to have energy to play with my daughter and enjoy her being at such a fun age.  I am just plan tired of this pregnancy causing me such misery!

On a lighter note (though not really) poor Sammy just seems to constantly have diarrhea.  In fact it was so bad today (apparently) that she ended up going on the back porch instead of the yard.  Not fun to clean off and I now need to get some type of cleaner and brush to scrub it all off since the heat here makes things really dry in and set.  I am wondering if she isnt getting into the decomposition piles.  Sid is not having the same issue, so it has to be just something Samantha keeps getting.  I may need to spy on her when she goes outside for a while.

So there is a small glimmer of hope that my mother and sister may be coming down to see us in September.  I really hope they do because we never have visitors.  We always lived too far away from anyone to come and see us, and now that we live closer it would be nice to have family come see us.  I've been trying to figure out the sleeping situation since we dont have an extra room and my sister is pregnant (so our blow up mattress may not be comfy enough for her).  I dont want them to have to stay at a hotel because thats just more money and then I wont get to see them as much.  I guess I'll just have to keep trying to figure something out.

Can I rant about stupid people? I cant? Well too bad.

So I have a "friend" who is just freaking stupid.  I know thats mean and I am being judgmental and putting her down.  I am aware of this, but how about you just hear me out real quick.  So her daughter is younger then mine.  She will be turning a year old in August.  When her daughter was around 8 months she gave her Dr. Pepper in a bottle.  She also gave her orange juice around 6 months (not that bad but its not encouraged due to the acid).  She also switched her to a forward facing carseat at 11 months.  I kindly explained to her that its recommend you wait until 2 years so she put her daughter back into an infant carseat (which she still fit into just fine) and then put her back into the forward facing one a few days later and not even in the center.  I happen to know that the carseat she has can go rear or forward.  Anyways I just read that she gave her daughter a Hershey's bar.  She said "Never ever give you child a Hershey's bar.  It will make them super hyper."  Really?  Ya think?  Ugh It just annoys me so much when people do this kind of crap.  So they not realize what they are doing to their children?  I could understand a bite (after a year old) but a whole freaking bar?  And Dr Pepper?  Really?  Where is the good in a Dr. Pepper?  There is none.  I feel awful for her little girls (she also has a 6 year old).  Ok rant over.

Can I get a "what what" and some fatty fatty foods for my skinny mini baby?

So poor Monkey had to have her one year shots on the 8th of July.  She was behind which is no big deal with me.  I think it helped her not get as sick as some babies do but who knows.  Anyways she also had a wellness check up and guess what we learned?  She had not changed in height or weight in over 2 and a half months.  I personally thought she felt heavier, despite still being able to wear most 6 month onsies, but nope, zero change.  It actually really worried me.  So we had some blood work done and went back in to check growth.  Zero change in weight, but half an inch growth in her height.  So now we are going to the doctors once a month until she can be put on some type of curve.  We also have to keep a food journal in case we need to see a nutritionist.  The doctor who has taken over her case seems like a very nice man.  He said her blood results looked great and right now he is focused on making a curve for her.  If we dont see change over a certain amount of months we will being going into "over kill mode" as he put it.  This sadly means lost of test on poor Monkey.  I am hoping we get some growth in soon even if its just a pound.  I am going to have to try and find more things she is willing to eat.  The kids loves her fruit and veggies, but when it comes to meats its a hit or miss type of deal.  It really worries me to know that there may be something wrong with my child.  A parents purpose in life is to raise and care for their child.  They are suppose to protect them from all things, but how can I protect her from something that can be easily fixed?  How can I help her when I dont even know whats wrong if anything?  It is depressing.  That little girl has been my whole world since the test said pregnant.  She means everything to me and to think that something might be wrong just makes me want to cry.  I also feel bad because I am so focused on her and her needs that I feel like I have been neglecting the one in my womb.  Its not like I can do much other then feed myself and be healthy, but I just feel like I have been ignoring the bonding I should be doing at this stage.  I dont often find myself admiring my growing belly or thinking about the wonders of a newborn.  Instead I find myself watching my daughter play and enjoy being a baby.  I find myself clinging more to her then the thought of another. 

Then there are days when I wish I could just get out on my own.  I have never actually had a day to myself since my daughter was born.  I have left her at the max 3 hours and that was to see a movie with my mother.  But now I feel like even if I have a day to myself, it wont really be to myself because I will still have one in tow in the womb.  Its also hard to think about leaving her alone with my husband knowing that she is having weight issues.  He tends to think she is done eating before she really is and its because he gets impatient with her.  I want to know she is eating enough and I dont know if I trust him to ensure she does.  I want a day to myself, but at the same time I want to be able to know my daughter is eating to her tiny little belly's content.

I feel like all I do anymore is worry.  I worry about my daughters health, I worry about how I really feel about having another baby, I worry about what is happening with my own body knowing that the 2-4 oz's of bile I throw up first thing in the morning is not healthy by any means.  I worry about the weight I will soon be gaining and being able to get back to a healthy weight once I have this baby.  I worry about how this baby will effect Monkey and how having the stress of two kids will effect my marriage.  I wish I could just have a day to myself of no worry, no Monkey, and no stress.  However I sadly doubt that will ever happen.

Paci's, Potty's, Spider Monkeys, and Wonderful Food.

So today was the first day I woke up and did not want to vomit or gag.  It was a good morning that I spent munching on food and watching the Monkey run around the house like the crazy child she is.  I also cleaned today.  It felt nice to clean though I started feeling sick when I made it to the kitchen part and so the house is still not how I want it.  On the bright side I got some wonderful Dill Bread made (literally the best I have ever made) before laying down for a little nap.  After my very short nap husband came home and demanded food of course, so I made a freaking awesome Turkey Pot Pie.  I may however use different veggies the next time I go to make it.  I bought frozen and a brand I had never seen before, and I am thinking that next time we shall need a different brand.  After devouring the pie (Monkey and Husband being the main eaters since I had a very late lunch) I cleaned the kitchen while Husband attempted to keep Monkey entertained (did a pretty good job up until she was done eating) and then made brownies (which I am now paying for with an unhappy little Bean).  It was a fairly good day, though I wish I had more energy to get the house cleaner.

So we have taken away paci's finally.  We started yesterday and she did so wonderful at nap time I decided there was no need to slowly go into...well I wish I had reconsidered that thought.  When bed time rolled around she cried for 30 minutes.  I went in right before 9 (I figured night would be harder so I put her down 30 minutes early) and picked her up, calmed her down, and talked to her a little bit.  When I laid her back down she of course screamed bloody murder but fell asleep soon after I left the room.  Today has been a little hard since she is teething.  She is much more crabby not having her paci as a soothing agent and has been clinging to me like the Spider Monkey I hoped she never be.  Nap time was a little bit of crying though not long and bed time was much better tonight.  Maybe 10 minutes of crying.  I feel so bad because I know she is in pain, but I cant give up now. 

We also tried some potty training today.  My thought was do potty training to distract against not having a paci.  Im afraid it backfired due to the teething.  She wore she training panties today and never told me when she had to go potty (though the pee never ran down her leg, she didnt pee an awful lot when she was wearing them) she would just pee and go about her day.  I think since it wasnt a lot of pee she just felt like she was wearing her cloth diapers.  Anyways Ive decided to wait until after this tooth breaks threw and she is over her wanting of a paci.