So today was a little crazy though what day isn't. It started out slow of course. We got home super late last night, so we all slept in, husband so wonderfully got up with girls and I slept for an extra hour or so. It was nice. Miss L took a 3 hour nap and the husband and I enjoyed some alone time during the 2 hour nap G took. Once both girls got up we headed out to the store. I didn't honestly think it would be a bad trip. I figured L would not need her 5:30 nap. I knew dinner time would be an issue since we would still be shopping when 5 hit, so I brought along a mum mum for L and made sure to nurse her before we left. She had a sippy with an oz of juice and the rest water. She was doing good for a while eating her mum mum and drinking her juice, but then she wanted that damn nap. I of course forgot toys. Thankfully we were almost done when she was getting to the beyond point. G did awesome until daddy gave her a bit too much freedom and she thought running threw the drink/snack part of the store was a game. That one was not fun. Anyways by the time we made it home it was almost kick off time for the husbands game. Both girls wanted food, L wanted me and only me and I was suddenly freaking out. I needed to eat husband was no help and I didn't want to bother him. I finally asked for help and he was fine to help me. L was late on her 730 cereal feeding and didn't get it until 8 so she was cranky and falling asleep in her highchair. All the cold stuff was put up but the kitchen was a wreck. G wanted attention and to play with her new books and computer game but I didn't have time to give her the attention. I kept promising her later and she kept getting upset knowing her bed time was coming. I was rushing and stressing out. I kept thinking I have to get this done and this done and it has to be done before this time, I was going mad. Then while bathing Miss L it hit me. I didn't need to get everything done. The kitchen could wait until after both girls had gone to bed. L needed to be in bed by 830 because we are breaking her of co-sleeping and trying to get her to self soothe, but G didn't have to be in bed by 9. She could stay up a little longer and get the attention that she needs from mommy. If she asked to go to bed or started to get cranky then ok, but otherwise its not a big deal. Once I figured that out life got easier, I got L to bed before 830 (she was so tired) and got to spend some time with my two year old who as usual blew my freaking mind.
I got her two new books (she picked one out and the other was to replace one she colored in) and then I got her some cards that come together to form a picture and a three letter word. I also got her a computer game to help her learn her shapes and colors (which we have never really worked on). Both said for ages three and up. Now because of your baby can read, G recognizes some words, so I'm never too surprised when she reads a word to me. We first sat down with the computer game. Numbers was up first which she pretty much blew threw that one. She can count to 15, so yea. Next we did colors. That one was a little harder for us and one we'll have to keep working on, but she did start to catch on by the time we were finished. Knowing my little ninja she'll have it down by tomorrow haha. Next up shapes. She started out very weak. Then about half way threw she didn't need my help what so ever. She was pointing to all the right shapes and saying their names everything. The husband came in as we were finishing up (half time) and was blown away himself by how good she was doing. I couldn't believe it. These are things a 3 year old are suppose to be doing and shes already there. The last part of the game we didn't really get into. She was getting tired, so we moved on to our card game. That was interesting. We were spelling out the word and she kept saying the next letter to come after what we would say (example I was spelling ape. I would say A she would say B. I'd say P she would Q.) She did catch on though and tell us what the word was (based on looking at the picture it formed) and we would talk about the picture and the word. As well as sound it out and spell it. She was getting tired and board, but still hanging in there. Next we read. It was nice to sit and read to her. I haven't sat and read to her in a while and I find it interesting that every time we read something new she is able to sit and listen to a book that has more then one sentence on a page. She likes books that have several sentences on the page and it doesn't have to just be a Dr. Seuss book anymore. She's branched out and is becoming her own little person. After that we said goodnight to daddy, headed to the bathroom and brushed our teeth. She demanded I floss them (she thinks its the coolest thing ever) and then she put on a pull up. I was surprised when she didn't fight me on this one. She always says she wants to wear panties, but she did look sad so I told her I was going to try and make her some special big girl panties for bed time. That seemed to cheer her up. After that she laid down and only got up once. Its amazing to watch her grow and I beat myself up for not giving her more time. Its hard when L is so demanding of my attention though. She does need me more since she is a 6 month old infant, but I worry G thinks I like L more than her. She comes into our room every morning and sees L in bed with mommy and daddy. L's crib is in mommy and daddy's room. L's clothes and diapers are in mommy and daddy's room. I worry she thinks she isn't as apart of us as L is. I know once we are out of the army and have a bigger house it wont be that way so much and I try my best to explain to G that she is a big girl and gets to have all this big girl stuff, but I don't think its enough for her. Before L she had me all to herself, and now not so much. I have to sacrifice even more time to myself for her. I don't mean that in a bad or selfish manner I just mean my break from being a mom and wife seems to become shorter and shorter, so not only do I find myself not giving G, my husband, and even L at times not enough attention so that I can get other things around the house done, but I find that I am losing myself in the mix. Its hard to hold on to who I am outside of my family when almost the whole of me is consumed by them. I need to find some me time, and I think if I could, I would not only be a happier person, but I would feel more like a person and not just a mom and wife. I have a few projects coming up (of course they are for my girls, but they are also for me because I will be making them which makes me happy) that I hope will help me let go of stress. I have to find time to do them, but I think I can get them done during nap time and G's quiet time (which is L's nap time). I am hoping I "find" myself in the mix of all this chaos soon. I love my smart little monkeys and their ninja tendencies and I love my husband and his very honest way of thinking, but I need to be more than just "homemaker". I'm not looking to be Supermom, but maybe I am looking to earn those pearls she wears.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My Children Don't Grow, They are just Little Ninjas
My five month old crawls. She is pulling herself up into a standing position and has even taken a few steps. She is falling off the growth chart but is as healthy as can be. Her 2 year old sister started crawling at 4 months and was furniture cruising by 6 months. She fell completely off the growth chart for almost a year when she turned one. There was nothing wrong with her despite how hard they tried to find something wrong with her. She is healthy, she is strong, she is perfect. However, she needs extra calories because she burns so much. She needs whole milk for its extra fat content. She drinks a pedisure a day because like most toddlers she eats small amounts and some days nothing at all so she needs the extra nutrition. She eats her veggies (loved broccoli) and most days her meats (chicken seems to be a favorite here). We do not fry most of our foods. Its baked or grilled. We buy as much natural fresh foods as possible. She is active and healthy. So what is my point?
Society is lazy. It has made it ok to be fat and unhealthy. People feed their 9 month old babies french fries. Instead of following the rainbow method of feeding, Gerber baby food gives mainly bland choices. Their mixed foods are two simple choices mixed together. They dont branch out and neither do the parents which cause children to become picky. Our lives are "busy" so its easier to grab something and bring it home instead of taking out the time to make it. People tend to give their children high in fat foods because its faster more often instead of taking out time and giving them something healthy and teaching them that fast food is ok in moderation.
Here is just how screwed up things are. When G was 6 months old she had to have her blood drawn. She had a fever without a cause so they were checking for a virus. Poor baby screamed. It took myself and two other nurses to hold her down while a third nurse took the blood. After it was all said and done I was holding her and soothing her. She was calming down fairly quickly. An older nurse who had been at the doorway came over and said to her "Oh poor baby. You need to tell momma to take you straight to Mcdonald's and get you some fries." She was 6 months old and this woman wanted me to get her some fries. She than looked at me and said that her 6 month old grandson loves them. I just smiled politely. Moving forward a few months, I take her to her WIC appointment and she has barely gained a pound. They lecture me telling me she is not eating enough and needs to be feed more fatty foods. One woman said "Give her Mcdonald's if she'll eat it." I never did and thankfully that was our last visit with WIC. I had hoped forever, but then number two came along. Fast forward a little more. Miss G has not gained a pound in three months. Her doctor said give her anything she will eat. Give her ice cream. I told him the type of ice cream we buy, which was an all natural brand, and he told me that its perfect because the all natural brands are actually higher in fat. He did not recommend fast foods or fried foods, just foods like avocados that are higher in fat. I liked this doctor. Fast forward to now and WIC. I was told G needed to remain on whole Milk and keeping up a pedisure a day would be best for her. I dont know if anyone reading this has ever bought pedisure but it can be expensive. So we get a voucher from WIC for it. It was also stated by my Peds. Doctor to put her back on Whole Milk. I called the office asking what I needed to bring them for this to happen and they told me a subscription would work just fine. So I do this. I am then informed that they can not give a child over 2 whole milk. It is against their rules even with a doctors note. I asked what I am suppose to do then. The nurse said to me "Well you can add some butter in her food." Butter...I mentally bitched slapped her. Next she proceeds to tell me that the only difference between whole milk and 2% is its fat contain... Really.... She is partially right. The other difference is that 2% is more proceeded than Whole Milk, which means more is done to it, more is taken out of it, which than means more has to be added back into it which is yet another process. I have the benifit of being on a military base, which means that though I am on WIC I do not have to get that crappy Great Value stuff that Wal Mart offers. I am actually able to get a rather healthy close to organic milk but that still doesnt mean that their 2% is just as good as whole Milk. I wish so very badly to be off WIC and hopefully we will be able to in a few months once we are out of the Army. Anyways back to my conversation (you'll have to forgive my heading off topic, I just watched L fall asleep while playing in her Jumperoo). She then tells me that her weight is perfect for her height and that honestly she doesnt even see the need for the max amount of pedisure we are getting...really? I forgot you were her doctor and know every last detail about this child. You were the non existent person standing silently in the corner the other day at her check up right? And you know she has grown since the last time you checked her height over 6 months ago. Her height is now in the 20% but her weight is just barely there. Freaking moron.
Because of uneducated people and heathly options most often not being an option on the kids menu these days, toddlers are obese. Because of that the American Socity of Peds. has made a law that no child on WIC over the age of 2 shall be allowed to have whole milk for any reason, or at least thats what this nurse told me. I cant even go to the store and buy yogurt that isnt reduced fat or fat free. I get hell from doctors and nurses saying my children are too small (until they review their records and this new peds. being the exception) and yet when I try to give her things to help put more weight on her, I have almost zero healthy options. WTF?
OK little side rant here. Bumbo, we have one, we love it. Used it for G and she would try to wiggle her way out of it, but I never just left her there unattended, I am not a moron. I will admit to having her on the table with the little tray attached so that I could feed her, but again I never walked away. There was no way she could have harmed herself in this seat...unless of course I walked away which I did not. So how can people sue over being an epic fail at the first rule of parenting? If you order a steaming hot cup of coffee and take a huge gulp and get burned you cant bitch about it because you ordered a steaming hot cup of coffee. You are putting a child in a seat that has no restraint. Common sense should state that leaving said child in said seat with no one around or out of grabbing distance is not a good idea. We put L in her's to take a bath with her sister. Because she is only 13 lbs and this seat was not designed to be put in water unless held down by a heavier child it floats. HUGE drowning risk IF I left her unattended, which I do not. My husband also discovered that over time our Bumbo took on water due to a small hole (this thing was handed down after use with two other children) so now it does not float, but that doesnt mean I'm going to walk away and let a 2 year old be the judge of weather or not her sisters head should remain under water should something go horribly wrong. Some people should not have children. And you know they recalled these once before to change the warning label which now states not to leave children unattended in them. Am I the only person who reads that shit and takes it serious? Personally after that recall and the updated warning label any lawsuit filed after that should have been thrown out. Read the freaking warning label. We told you not to leave your kid unattended or on high surfaces. Did you listen? No? Well that sucks good luck living with knowing it was your own damn fault.
So in conclusion to my rantings of the evening, I leave you with this. My children dont grow up quickly. They dont grow much at all. They do however sneak up on me (tip toeing as G says), giggle behind shower curtains, bang on bathroom doors, roar loudly in public places, fall asleep while jumping in jumperoos, and destroy my living room in 2.5 seconds. They have conversations together in their own language (though G speaks in full clear sentences), whine more days than not, plot their dangerous stunt of the day, and rock Sammy's nerves more than my own. They ride Sammy like a horse, pull Sid's hair and G carries her around by the throat saying "I got her I got her". Despite the age difference they act like sisters, loving each other one minute and fighting over a doll the next. They are my perfectly petite little red headed girls and I am most certainly positive that they are horrible little ninjas.
Society is lazy. It has made it ok to be fat and unhealthy. People feed their 9 month old babies french fries. Instead of following the rainbow method of feeding, Gerber baby food gives mainly bland choices. Their mixed foods are two simple choices mixed together. They dont branch out and neither do the parents which cause children to become picky. Our lives are "busy" so its easier to grab something and bring it home instead of taking out the time to make it. People tend to give their children high in fat foods because its faster more often instead of taking out time and giving them something healthy and teaching them that fast food is ok in moderation.
Here is just how screwed up things are. When G was 6 months old she had to have her blood drawn. She had a fever without a cause so they were checking for a virus. Poor baby screamed. It took myself and two other nurses to hold her down while a third nurse took the blood. After it was all said and done I was holding her and soothing her. She was calming down fairly quickly. An older nurse who had been at the doorway came over and said to her "Oh poor baby. You need to tell momma to take you straight to Mcdonald's and get you some fries." She was 6 months old and this woman wanted me to get her some fries. She than looked at me and said that her 6 month old grandson loves them. I just smiled politely. Moving forward a few months, I take her to her WIC appointment and she has barely gained a pound. They lecture me telling me she is not eating enough and needs to be feed more fatty foods. One woman said "Give her Mcdonald's if she'll eat it." I never did and thankfully that was our last visit with WIC. I had hoped forever, but then number two came along. Fast forward a little more. Miss G has not gained a pound in three months. Her doctor said give her anything she will eat. Give her ice cream. I told him the type of ice cream we buy, which was an all natural brand, and he told me that its perfect because the all natural brands are actually higher in fat. He did not recommend fast foods or fried foods, just foods like avocados that are higher in fat. I liked this doctor. Fast forward to now and WIC. I was told G needed to remain on whole Milk and keeping up a pedisure a day would be best for her. I dont know if anyone reading this has ever bought pedisure but it can be expensive. So we get a voucher from WIC for it. It was also stated by my Peds. Doctor to put her back on Whole Milk. I called the office asking what I needed to bring them for this to happen and they told me a subscription would work just fine. So I do this. I am then informed that they can not give a child over 2 whole milk. It is against their rules even with a doctors note. I asked what I am suppose to do then. The nurse said to me "Well you can add some butter in her food." Butter...I mentally bitched slapped her. Next she proceeds to tell me that the only difference between whole milk and 2% is its fat contain... Really.... She is partially right. The other difference is that 2% is more proceeded than Whole Milk, which means more is done to it, more is taken out of it, which than means more has to be added back into it which is yet another process. I have the benifit of being on a military base, which means that though I am on WIC I do not have to get that crappy Great Value stuff that Wal Mart offers. I am actually able to get a rather healthy close to organic milk but that still doesnt mean that their 2% is just as good as whole Milk. I wish so very badly to be off WIC and hopefully we will be able to in a few months once we are out of the Army. Anyways back to my conversation (you'll have to forgive my heading off topic, I just watched L fall asleep while playing in her Jumperoo). She then tells me that her weight is perfect for her height and that honestly she doesnt even see the need for the max amount of pedisure we are getting...really? I forgot you were her doctor and know every last detail about this child. You were the non existent person standing silently in the corner the other day at her check up right? And you know she has grown since the last time you checked her height over 6 months ago. Her height is now in the 20% but her weight is just barely there. Freaking moron.
Because of uneducated people and heathly options most often not being an option on the kids menu these days, toddlers are obese. Because of that the American Socity of Peds. has made a law that no child on WIC over the age of 2 shall be allowed to have whole milk for any reason, or at least thats what this nurse told me. I cant even go to the store and buy yogurt that isnt reduced fat or fat free. I get hell from doctors and nurses saying my children are too small (until they review their records and this new peds. being the exception) and yet when I try to give her things to help put more weight on her, I have almost zero healthy options. WTF?
OK little side rant here. Bumbo, we have one, we love it. Used it for G and she would try to wiggle her way out of it, but I never just left her there unattended, I am not a moron. I will admit to having her on the table with the little tray attached so that I could feed her, but again I never walked away. There was no way she could have harmed herself in this seat...unless of course I walked away which I did not. So how can people sue over being an epic fail at the first rule of parenting? If you order a steaming hot cup of coffee and take a huge gulp and get burned you cant bitch about it because you ordered a steaming hot cup of coffee. You are putting a child in a seat that has no restraint. Common sense should state that leaving said child in said seat with no one around or out of grabbing distance is not a good idea. We put L in her's to take a bath with her sister. Because she is only 13 lbs and this seat was not designed to be put in water unless held down by a heavier child it floats. HUGE drowning risk IF I left her unattended, which I do not. My husband also discovered that over time our Bumbo took on water due to a small hole (this thing was handed down after use with two other children) so now it does not float, but that doesnt mean I'm going to walk away and let a 2 year old be the judge of weather or not her sisters head should remain under water should something go horribly wrong. Some people should not have children. And you know they recalled these once before to change the warning label which now states not to leave children unattended in them. Am I the only person who reads that shit and takes it serious? Personally after that recall and the updated warning label any lawsuit filed after that should have been thrown out. Read the freaking warning label. We told you not to leave your kid unattended or on high surfaces. Did you listen? No? Well that sucks good luck living with knowing it was your own damn fault.
So in conclusion to my rantings of the evening, I leave you with this. My children dont grow up quickly. They dont grow much at all. They do however sneak up on me (tip toeing as G says), giggle behind shower curtains, bang on bathroom doors, roar loudly in public places, fall asleep while jumping in jumperoos, and destroy my living room in 2.5 seconds. They have conversations together in their own language (though G speaks in full clear sentences), whine more days than not, plot their dangerous stunt of the day, and rock Sammy's nerves more than my own. They ride Sammy like a horse, pull Sid's hair and G carries her around by the throat saying "I got her I got her". Despite the age difference they act like sisters, loving each other one minute and fighting over a doll the next. They are my perfectly petite little red headed girls and I am most certainly positive that they are horrible little ninjas.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
I swear we should just take the warning labels off everything.
OK there are some people who just really are beyond retarded. Dont get me wrong, there are situations that I understand can not be helped, but I am so tired of people going on to facebook and twitter and all other media sites asking for freaking hand outs. Most of you know that my husband is at the shit end of the stick when it comes to the Army. He does not make near enough for the crap that he does. The Army has broken him in more than one way and yet, aside from the just married oops need mom, we have not asked for hand outs. And every money loan my family has ever given us was paid back in full. Back to rant. If you cant afford the two kids you have already you better damn sure not get pregnant with another one. If that means dont have sex than dont freaking have sex and if you get pregnant I dont care how freaking sick you are get up off your ass and get a damn job. Cancel your cable, your internet, down grade your phone plan, suck it up and make money. My sister was almost 6 months pregnant, sick as hell and got a job because they needed the money. She didnt go on any social media site begging for free baby stuff or bitching about how she wasnt going to be able to pay her rent. Like seriously? And ya know heres another one that really pisses me off. People bitching and complaining about how they cant feed their kids or pay their bills and then 2 days later saying they just got a new car. What the crap? And I dont want any of this well the economy is bad bullshit. If the guy who just jumped the boarder can get a job day two of being in America so can you.
Now I have not been following the politics as of late. I have two kids and not a lot of down time. I do however know I will not be going Obama because I have paid enough attention to know I do not want the direction in which his mandatory health care plan is going. I also did not vote for him in the first place so why the hell would I do it now? Anyways I do have reasons of why I dont like him, what pisses me off is the fact that dumbass college and fresh out of high school kids are saying I'm going to vote for him and when asked why they say because I think he's cool. That is the only reason. They dont know anything that he stands for. They just think he's cool. I just think your a moron like the person who sued McDonalds for not informing them that the steaming cup of coffee they just ordered would burn them.
Speaking of fast food, go Chik-fil-a for using their constitutional rights. No Im not against gay marriage. I have friends who are gay and love them just the same. I dont think they will burn in hell but I dont think Chik-fil-a should get shit for being a conservative christian run business. Im not going to stop eating there (not that I really do, but now I will make a point to if the option arises). People need to stop looking for the most retarded things to attack and join together. I mean look around you. All you are doing is helping the government that is currently in control take away our rights.
Next point, guns. I read this amazing quote the other day "So you say...that if we take away the guns people wont kill each other? Really, I never realized Cain shot Abel with a .45" People will find other ways of killing each other. A gun does not go off on its own. People kill people not guns. A gun my assist, but it didnt sit there on the couch and say "Hey I've got an idea, lets go and slaughter a crap ton of people tonight."
Mass punishment is another one really bugging me lately. Just because someone screwed up does not mean that everyone who was in a 50 mile radius of the asshole should be punished as well. Gun laws could go along with this one pretty well. The main reason people want to ban guns is because some screwed up in the head jerk decided to shoot up a store or market. I did not do this, I would never do this, so why am I getting shit for it?
Speaking of punishment, why am I paying for three meals a day and a dental/healthcare plan for the assholes in prison? What kind of punishment is this? They are there as punishment, not a freaking trip to the holiday inn. Granted there are gangs and dangers. I know its not all fun and games, but I honestly dont want to pay to have their lives elongated.
So all I am saying is if we took the warning labels off everything and let the problem solve itself, life would be much simpler.
Now I have not been following the politics as of late. I have two kids and not a lot of down time. I do however know I will not be going Obama because I have paid enough attention to know I do not want the direction in which his mandatory health care plan is going. I also did not vote for him in the first place so why the hell would I do it now? Anyways I do have reasons of why I dont like him, what pisses me off is the fact that dumbass college and fresh out of high school kids are saying I'm going to vote for him and when asked why they say because I think he's cool. That is the only reason. They dont know anything that he stands for. They just think he's cool. I just think your a moron like the person who sued McDonalds for not informing them that the steaming cup of coffee they just ordered would burn them.
Speaking of fast food, go Chik-fil-a for using their constitutional rights. No Im not against gay marriage. I have friends who are gay and love them just the same. I dont think they will burn in hell but I dont think Chik-fil-a should get shit for being a conservative christian run business. Im not going to stop eating there (not that I really do, but now I will make a point to if the option arises). People need to stop looking for the most retarded things to attack and join together. I mean look around you. All you are doing is helping the government that is currently in control take away our rights.
Next point, guns. I read this amazing quote the other day "So you say...that if we take away the guns people wont kill each other? Really, I never realized Cain shot Abel with a .45" People will find other ways of killing each other. A gun does not go off on its own. People kill people not guns. A gun my assist, but it didnt sit there on the couch and say "Hey I've got an idea, lets go and slaughter a crap ton of people tonight."
Mass punishment is another one really bugging me lately. Just because someone screwed up does not mean that everyone who was in a 50 mile radius of the asshole should be punished as well. Gun laws could go along with this one pretty well. The main reason people want to ban guns is because some screwed up in the head jerk decided to shoot up a store or market. I did not do this, I would never do this, so why am I getting shit for it?
Speaking of punishment, why am I paying for three meals a day and a dental/healthcare plan for the assholes in prison? What kind of punishment is this? They are there as punishment, not a freaking trip to the holiday inn. Granted there are gangs and dangers. I know its not all fun and games, but I honestly dont want to pay to have their lives elongated.
So all I am saying is if we took the warning labels off everything and let the problem solve itself, life would be much simpler.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Seriously?
So I was scanning threw my facebook this morning when I came across an article about a pregnant woman who was denied a glass of wine by a waiter at a restaurant. The woman said her OB oked it and the waiter simply replied "yea Ive heard that before". For one bitch isnt getting a tip. For two she basically refused to serve this woman simply because she was pregnant (which she had no proof of until the woman said her OB was cool with it). If there was a restaurant policy against it, would have been posted some where and the waiter would have HAD to say its against policy, but NO instead she was a snippy little bitch about it. I drank wine in my last 2 weeks of pregnancy in an attempt to get Miss L out of me. It did not work and it wasnt even 6 ozs of wine, it was like 4. Just enough to make me want more, but not dare do it. Now I could understand if the woman had been like "Hey I want two tequila slammers and a pitcher of beer", but she didnt. She asked for a small glass of wine. So again I say Bitch isnt getting a tip. Rant one over.
So I'm rocking Miss L yesterday. Miss G is enjoying a puzzle on the floor and for a small moment in our day, the house is at peace. Everyone has had lunch, so bellies are full and nap time is only 30 minutes away, bliss. Then the phone rings. Its the darling husband. When I answer he seems happy, so when he asked me if a friends mother worked at the water company I had zero idea where this was going. We had recently (by recently I mean memorial day) run into this friend and her mother and sister while in Walmart. We were visiting my family (which I still am) and chatted up with them for a few minutes catching up. Fast forward back to the husband and his question. I told him yes and he told me his father had just called. Again no idea by his tone where this is going. When his father went to pay his water bill, he saw our friends mother. She was telling him how she saw his gorgeous Granddaughters in Wal Mart. Still not getting where this is going, and honestly its my fault for not seeing it coming. His father was calling to bitch out my dear sweet husband for being in town and "not telling him"
ONE. We did tell him two weeks before we came. Informed him we would only be in town for 6 days and planned on going to the zoo. His response: If you dont want me to see them then just tell me.
TWO: My husband and I have given that jackass notice of every time we will be coming to visit so that he can make plans to see his now granddaughters. His response: You wont bring them over to my house.
SIDENOTE: His woman did a drug deal while my husband was there on a day Miss G and I were suppose to go over but didnt due to me getting violently ill.
TWO A: Husband explained for the 152nd time that he was forced to grow up around that stuff and will not allow his children to be put into any type of situation like that. Not only could that have caused him to loose his daughter had she been with him, but it could destroy his career. His fathers response: So you dont trust me. You always try and get us to go out to eat when you come to town at really expensive places and we dont have money for that shit. Why cant you choose some place like Mc Donalds?
THREE: We only suggested we go out to eat once and it was at Christmas. Told you about it a month in advance so that everyone could come up with the maybe 40 dollars it would cost (two people can eat at this particular restaurant for around 25 dollars...) and left it up to you and everyone else to decide where you wanted to eat. Though we dont eat Mc Donalds nor do we allow our 2 year old to eat it, we would have gladly sat with you and visited. His response: If you dont want me in your life just say so.
After a few more low blows from his father and him informing my husband that he needs to get HIS life together (which is laughable because my husband works his ass off and though he is getting out of the Army he already has another job lined up) my husband had had enough. He informed him yet again that he had never denied him access to his granddaught(s) but since he seems to convinced that my husband wants nothing to do with him then fine. My husband will no longer be calling his father and when we come to town it will not be to see him. He wont be telling him and will have nothing to do with him from this point on.
This is not the first fall out they have had. The first was when his father decided he was going to beat him. My husband was 17, a skater, in wonderful health, and beat the hell out of his father. Did his father throw the first punch and get a hit in, yes. Bruised his face and cut his lip, did my husband hold back when he was defending himself? No and had to be pulled off of his father. My husband is not an angry man, but after the years of crap his father has put him and his brothers threw I didnt blame him. His father was the one who made a move to make peace right before my husband left for basic. Their relationship has be rocky but up until yesterday it has also been ok. I dont think there will be much coming back from this.
Now for the last of my Seriously? moments. After five days of little sleep due to a sick colicy baby, my phone rings yet again. It is my husband and he sounds panicked. He tells me someone just called him telling him that I am about to go to jail because I was suppose to show up for Jury duty and never did. He gives me a number to call. I call it. After listening to it and getting pissed waiting for the option of speak to a human being it informs me that this is a joke. I refuse to take my husbands phone calls.
So I'm rocking Miss L yesterday. Miss G is enjoying a puzzle on the floor and for a small moment in our day, the house is at peace. Everyone has had lunch, so bellies are full and nap time is only 30 minutes away, bliss. Then the phone rings. Its the darling husband. When I answer he seems happy, so when he asked me if a friends mother worked at the water company I had zero idea where this was going. We had recently (by recently I mean memorial day) run into this friend and her mother and sister while in Walmart. We were visiting my family (which I still am) and chatted up with them for a few minutes catching up. Fast forward back to the husband and his question. I told him yes and he told me his father had just called. Again no idea by his tone where this is going. When his father went to pay his water bill, he saw our friends mother. She was telling him how she saw his gorgeous Granddaughters in Wal Mart. Still not getting where this is going, and honestly its my fault for not seeing it coming. His father was calling to bitch out my dear sweet husband for being in town and "not telling him"
ONE. We did tell him two weeks before we came. Informed him we would only be in town for 6 days and planned on going to the zoo. His response: If you dont want me to see them then just tell me.
TWO: My husband and I have given that jackass notice of every time we will be coming to visit so that he can make plans to see his now granddaughters. His response: You wont bring them over to my house.
SIDENOTE: His woman did a drug deal while my husband was there on a day Miss G and I were suppose to go over but didnt due to me getting violently ill.
TWO A: Husband explained for the 152nd time that he was forced to grow up around that stuff and will not allow his children to be put into any type of situation like that. Not only could that have caused him to loose his daughter had she been with him, but it could destroy his career. His fathers response: So you dont trust me. You always try and get us to go out to eat when you come to town at really expensive places and we dont have money for that shit. Why cant you choose some place like Mc Donalds?
THREE: We only suggested we go out to eat once and it was at Christmas. Told you about it a month in advance so that everyone could come up with the maybe 40 dollars it would cost (two people can eat at this particular restaurant for around 25 dollars...) and left it up to you and everyone else to decide where you wanted to eat. Though we dont eat Mc Donalds nor do we allow our 2 year old to eat it, we would have gladly sat with you and visited. His response: If you dont want me in your life just say so.
After a few more low blows from his father and him informing my husband that he needs to get HIS life together (which is laughable because my husband works his ass off and though he is getting out of the Army he already has another job lined up) my husband had had enough. He informed him yet again that he had never denied him access to his granddaught(s) but since he seems to convinced that my husband wants nothing to do with him then fine. My husband will no longer be calling his father and when we come to town it will not be to see him. He wont be telling him and will have nothing to do with him from this point on.
This is not the first fall out they have had. The first was when his father decided he was going to beat him. My husband was 17, a skater, in wonderful health, and beat the hell out of his father. Did his father throw the first punch and get a hit in, yes. Bruised his face and cut his lip, did my husband hold back when he was defending himself? No and had to be pulled off of his father. My husband is not an angry man, but after the years of crap his father has put him and his brothers threw I didnt blame him. His father was the one who made a move to make peace right before my husband left for basic. Their relationship has be rocky but up until yesterday it has also been ok. I dont think there will be much coming back from this.
Now for the last of my Seriously? moments. After five days of little sleep due to a sick colicy baby, my phone rings yet again. It is my husband and he sounds panicked. He tells me someone just called him telling him that I am about to go to jail because I was suppose to show up for Jury duty and never did. He gives me a number to call. I call it. After listening to it and getting pissed waiting for the option of speak to a human being it informs me that this is a joke. I refuse to take my husbands phone calls.
Monday, June 4, 2012
With a toddler on my hip and a baby on my breast...
I took an extended leave of absence. Life tends to get in the way of silly things like a blog with faceless readers but for today I am back. Life for myslef is beyond what I could have ever imagined. I have been blessed with two wonderful children and a devoted husband. Despite how we may fight that man has and always will stand by my side threw anything. I owe him not only my heart (which is his and most certainly will always belong to him) but I also owe him my gratitude for without all his hard work I would not be where I am today which is at home with our darling girls.
I remember when I was pregnant with our first little monkey and my aunt and cousin thought I was beyond mad for saying I was planning on going completely natural. Little did I know then that soon not only my extended family would find my parenting choices less then modern but so would almost every stranger I would soon come across.
Once our first little monkey arrived I tried my damnest for the first 6 weeks to breast feed. It ended the day monkey and I both were crying hieratically over my breast. I had some guilt but knew in the end I was doing what was best for my child. Our next issue came in the form of diapers. Pampers were the only ones that saved my little one from the horrors called rashes. Huggies burned her skin and after the horror stories I had heard from parents choice users I didn't even bother. Now as an uneducated new mother I had no idea of my "other" options.
When someone says cloth diapers most have this mental picture of folded cloth and rubber pants. They picture a hassle and horrible smelling laundry rooms, or at least that's what I pictured. I pictured leaks, stained clothing, and a sudden hatred for parenting. Little did I know cloth diapers have advanced to fit modern society, not that people who use disposables ever admit it, but after a year of buying pampers that never had her size in stock, I decided to look into it. Honestly I owe it all to my friend. She too was tired of the added expense and wanted something better.
I tried them and loved them but then disaster hit. We can call it a night of passion or we can call it what it was. A natural fail in pity sex. In my never ending crusade to stick to the natural right of things we had decided to practice the rythme method. I will simply say it invovles knowing your body which I did very well so well in fact that when saying what I did to my husband that one night of "passion" I had also known that that day was a no no day. But things happened and about six weeks later the strip showed two very clear lines. So with a toddler on my hip the emotional roller coaster began. And thanks to these little things called hormones the fluff was put up. I could not with stand the poop. A few months later I pulled the fluff out again and we gave it another go. After one horrible rash we jumped on the potty train. Our little monkey was a champ, so long as she was naked. As my belly grew and Christmas loomed a head of us I had a naked toddler running loose in my house. We packed up her fluff, threw some clothes on that naked butt, and headed to grandmas. Of course disaster struck again in the form of family problems and one messed up back. Monkey reverted back to full time fluff. Still though my belly grew and monkey number two was soon to arrive. I worried as I watched the bills and knew diapers weren't in the cards. I began then to research different kinds of cloth, bought a diaper sprayer and broke our bank account making sure both my little monkeys have enough fluff for their cute little butts. I got looks, I got eye rolls, and I got comments when my cute little monkey walked in with that cute little fluff butt. I simply smiled and said yes we cloth diaper.
Enter monkey number two. She came in with a bang, the cord wrapped around her head, shoulder's, and a big old tight knot. Her heart rate kept dropping and had my water not broken when it did she might not even be here today. Breastfeeding was to say the least diffecult for the first two weeks. We stuck to pampers to help with the stress until life settled down and until our little monkey could fit her fluff. Soon though I had the breastfeeding down and both girls with cute fluff butts. Oh I got looks. Nursing in public, changing cloth diapers, wearing my youngest in a sling or wrap. People thought I was crazy. I am constantly asked how I do it. I simply smile and shrug. Truthfully I have no idea. I notice that I drink more coffee now and watch little tv. My own personal wants come last. I sacrifice showers for sleep and nice clothes for comfy sweats. I some how just get by. Most days I am beyond tired. My poor body needs major attention after carying and delivering two healthy babies and I plan on gettimg on top of that soon. For now though I go threw my days clothing one, potty trainging the other and walking around with a toddler on my hip and a baby on my breast.
I remember when I was pregnant with our first little monkey and my aunt and cousin thought I was beyond mad for saying I was planning on going completely natural. Little did I know then that soon not only my extended family would find my parenting choices less then modern but so would almost every stranger I would soon come across.
Once our first little monkey arrived I tried my damnest for the first 6 weeks to breast feed. It ended the day monkey and I both were crying hieratically over my breast. I had some guilt but knew in the end I was doing what was best for my child. Our next issue came in the form of diapers. Pampers were the only ones that saved my little one from the horrors called rashes. Huggies burned her skin and after the horror stories I had heard from parents choice users I didn't even bother. Now as an uneducated new mother I had no idea of my "other" options.
When someone says cloth diapers most have this mental picture of folded cloth and rubber pants. They picture a hassle and horrible smelling laundry rooms, or at least that's what I pictured. I pictured leaks, stained clothing, and a sudden hatred for parenting. Little did I know cloth diapers have advanced to fit modern society, not that people who use disposables ever admit it, but after a year of buying pampers that never had her size in stock, I decided to look into it. Honestly I owe it all to my friend. She too was tired of the added expense and wanted something better.
I tried them and loved them but then disaster hit. We can call it a night of passion or we can call it what it was. A natural fail in pity sex. In my never ending crusade to stick to the natural right of things we had decided to practice the rythme method. I will simply say it invovles knowing your body which I did very well so well in fact that when saying what I did to my husband that one night of "passion" I had also known that that day was a no no day. But things happened and about six weeks later the strip showed two very clear lines. So with a toddler on my hip the emotional roller coaster began. And thanks to these little things called hormones the fluff was put up. I could not with stand the poop. A few months later I pulled the fluff out again and we gave it another go. After one horrible rash we jumped on the potty train. Our little monkey was a champ, so long as she was naked. As my belly grew and Christmas loomed a head of us I had a naked toddler running loose in my house. We packed up her fluff, threw some clothes on that naked butt, and headed to grandmas. Of course disaster struck again in the form of family problems and one messed up back. Monkey reverted back to full time fluff. Still though my belly grew and monkey number two was soon to arrive. I worried as I watched the bills and knew diapers weren't in the cards. I began then to research different kinds of cloth, bought a diaper sprayer and broke our bank account making sure both my little monkeys have enough fluff for their cute little butts. I got looks, I got eye rolls, and I got comments when my cute little monkey walked in with that cute little fluff butt. I simply smiled and said yes we cloth diaper.
Enter monkey number two. She came in with a bang, the cord wrapped around her head, shoulder's, and a big old tight knot. Her heart rate kept dropping and had my water not broken when it did she might not even be here today. Breastfeeding was to say the least diffecult for the first two weeks. We stuck to pampers to help with the stress until life settled down and until our little monkey could fit her fluff. Soon though I had the breastfeeding down and both girls with cute fluff butts. Oh I got looks. Nursing in public, changing cloth diapers, wearing my youngest in a sling or wrap. People thought I was crazy. I am constantly asked how I do it. I simply smile and shrug. Truthfully I have no idea. I notice that I drink more coffee now and watch little tv. My own personal wants come last. I sacrifice showers for sleep and nice clothes for comfy sweats. I some how just get by. Most days I am beyond tired. My poor body needs major attention after carying and delivering two healthy babies and I plan on gettimg on top of that soon. For now though I go threw my days clothing one, potty trainging the other and walking around with a toddler on my hip and a baby on my breast.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Potty training, Von Willebands, and so much more galore!
I would first like to state that for anyone who read my last post I was very much defeated at that moment. There has been a ton of stress with this pregnancy and this part of our lives in general. I think as a human I am allowed to have a little break down every once in a while. Moving on.
Lets first begin with Von Willebands! (and no I did not just make that up) My daughter has been diagnosed with this crazy sounding thing and I am about to be test for it myself since my husband has tested negative. What is it you may be asking? A blood clotting disorder where you blood does not clot probably. Its not too big of a worry for bleeding if you are say punched in the arm, however get punched in the head and you may be bleeding from every available hole in your head (basically I'm saying you have to worry about excessive bleeding from head injuries, not body). It is possible for me to test negative for this (and I know my husband will then suddenly decide if he test negative again that we must get a DNA test on our child since its passed from parent to child) because I am pregnant. Pregnancy can actually cause things that are wrong in your body to work properly. Hopefully I do test negative right now since I just read that testing positive can mean I have type 2 or 3 which is bad. I will obviously be tested again if this happens after I have our little Bean and more then likely I will test positive, though there is still a small chance that neither I nor my husband have it. No no I did not cheat and Monkey is 100% his (the proof is in the child) but I did just read that since this is a gene mutation it's possible that her gene mutated without us passing anything to her. Its why any family can get this disorder. I found that interesting. Had I read this two days ago I would have been jumping for joy and throwing it in his face that I was right all along I do not have it! However, that past two days I have had a nose bleed first thing in morning. Frequent nose bleeds are a symptom. From the time I was born all the way up until I turned 9 I would have crazy nose bleeds. My mother would come into my room when I was a baby to find me a sleep in a crib full of dried blood. As I got older they got worse to the point of blood clots as long as worms coming out of my nose. That is when I got my nose cauterized. Up until two days ago I never had a nose bleed again. Needless to say when I did I freaked out. I also have one more symptom, easy bruising, but I am fair skinned which is what I always lammed it on to begin with. What honestly bothers me and I have been tested for another blood clotting disorder called Factor 5. Its when your blood over clots basically. That came back negative but shouldn't it have shown that I was going in the other direction? It just bothers me. Anyways, it looks like Monkey and I are doomed to be bleeders and little Bean will have to be tested as well.
Well as in most families money is always an issue and worry. Cloth diapers were something I decided to give a try when Monkey turned one. I was in no true rush for potty training, but also figured we'd give it a try around 15 months. Anyways, everything was going great with the cloth diapers and I was actually enjoying them until the pregnancy hormones kicked in. If Monkey had a poopy diaper I found I was trying my hardest not to vomit all over the place while changing her. So sadly we went back to diapers. Then our money issues made me go back to cloth (thankfully her poop no longer bothered me). The second day shes back in cloth she gets a horrible diaper rash, and I mean horrible. She was crying if she sat down, she screamed blood murder while I wiped her butt, it was aweful. I felt so horrible. I had her daddy put her straight in a warm bath and it seemed to instantly soothe her very red bottom. I found a few left over diapers (about 5) and knew with as bad as her butt was they wouldnt last us threw the healing. I couldnt use the diaper rash cream we had on her with our cloth diapers so I came up with the best option. "Tomorrow we start potty training" I said to my husband. He was going to be off work for a few more days so it seemed like the perfect time. We have not looked back since. Now she wears two cloth diapers a day. One for nap time and one for bedtime, otherwise she is naked from the waist down (while at home anyways). She has done very well so far. She doesnt even tell us she has to go, just goes and sits on her potty then jumps and says "I pee pee!" or in today's case "I poop poop!". And believe me that last one was a miracle. She has peed on our carpet a lot obviously and I have already steam cleaned our carpets once, but after about 4 or 5 days she mainly peed in the potty. Pooping however...it has been a fight since day one. Kid would sit and scream on the potty while she pooped. For some reason it freaked her out. She even held it some times until we put a diaper on her. She has also pooped on the floor...a lot and funny enough almost always on daddy's watch. The one time she did it on my watch I was in the kitchen. My husband goes crazy when she poops on the floor. He covers the "infected area" with cleaner then pulls out the steam cleaner and goes over the spot 20 times before he finally feels like it is safe her human contact again. I dont mind it, I just wish he would go that crazy when she poops in the potty. He dumps out the poop and doesnt even wash out the potty. Drives me mad. Anyways I was half asleep on the couch when I heard my dear sweet Monkey jump and say "I poop poop!" Thinking she peed and possibly passed some gas (making her think she pooped) I got up and looked. Sure enough she had pooped and peed all on her own. I was so happy. We went straight to the bathroom and flushed it all down the potty (she loves to flush). Not only was this a huge step for her, but it was also a wonderful relief to know she wasnt back tracking since yesterday she decided to only pee on the floor (which means I have to pull out the steam cleaner today). The day before she was in a pull up since we were out and about. She did wonderful, not one accident (until nap time). If I asked her if she needed to pee she would say yes and off to the potty we would go. She even told me once that she had to go. I was so very proud. I would like her to be in panties by Christmas ( as cute as her naked butt is I think she may need to have some type of coverage for being around family). I was planning on starting the panties training earlier this week, but now I think it will have to wait until next Friday. We just have too much going on with appointments. My kid is very smart and catches on so fast, so I think we'll be able to get the panties training down in no time (I pray anyways). We also tried to ditch one side of the railing on her crib...she fell out twice but that wasnt our problem. Our problem was her waking up at 7 (still being very tired) refusing to go back to bed and then only taking an hour nap when we knew she need 2 hours or more (since she got up so early in the morning). We put the railing back on and her naps have gone back to 2 hours and she is staying asleep til 8 unless daddy is too loud in the morning. Though I wish she would sleep til 9 like the old days, I am still thankfully to get my sleep back.
There is still much more I could write about but my belly is growling as I am sure Monkey's is too. I think we shall eat some lunch and then I will get to work on my pee stained carpets.
Lets first begin with Von Willebands! (and no I did not just make that up) My daughter has been diagnosed with this crazy sounding thing and I am about to be test for it myself since my husband has tested negative. What is it you may be asking? A blood clotting disorder where you blood does not clot probably. Its not too big of a worry for bleeding if you are say punched in the arm, however get punched in the head and you may be bleeding from every available hole in your head (basically I'm saying you have to worry about excessive bleeding from head injuries, not body). It is possible for me to test negative for this (and I know my husband will then suddenly decide if he test negative again that we must get a DNA test on our child since its passed from parent to child) because I am pregnant. Pregnancy can actually cause things that are wrong in your body to work properly. Hopefully I do test negative right now since I just read that testing positive can mean I have type 2 or 3 which is bad. I will obviously be tested again if this happens after I have our little Bean and more then likely I will test positive, though there is still a small chance that neither I nor my husband have it. No no I did not cheat and Monkey is 100% his (the proof is in the child) but I did just read that since this is a gene mutation it's possible that her gene mutated without us passing anything to her. Its why any family can get this disorder. I found that interesting. Had I read this two days ago I would have been jumping for joy and throwing it in his face that I was right all along I do not have it! However, that past two days I have had a nose bleed first thing in morning. Frequent nose bleeds are a symptom. From the time I was born all the way up until I turned 9 I would have crazy nose bleeds. My mother would come into my room when I was a baby to find me a sleep in a crib full of dried blood. As I got older they got worse to the point of blood clots as long as worms coming out of my nose. That is when I got my nose cauterized. Up until two days ago I never had a nose bleed again. Needless to say when I did I freaked out. I also have one more symptom, easy bruising, but I am fair skinned which is what I always lammed it on to begin with. What honestly bothers me and I have been tested for another blood clotting disorder called Factor 5. Its when your blood over clots basically. That came back negative but shouldn't it have shown that I was going in the other direction? It just bothers me. Anyways, it looks like Monkey and I are doomed to be bleeders and little Bean will have to be tested as well.
Well as in most families money is always an issue and worry. Cloth diapers were something I decided to give a try when Monkey turned one. I was in no true rush for potty training, but also figured we'd give it a try around 15 months. Anyways, everything was going great with the cloth diapers and I was actually enjoying them until the pregnancy hormones kicked in. If Monkey had a poopy diaper I found I was trying my hardest not to vomit all over the place while changing her. So sadly we went back to diapers. Then our money issues made me go back to cloth (thankfully her poop no longer bothered me). The second day shes back in cloth she gets a horrible diaper rash, and I mean horrible. She was crying if she sat down, she screamed blood murder while I wiped her butt, it was aweful. I felt so horrible. I had her daddy put her straight in a warm bath and it seemed to instantly soothe her very red bottom. I found a few left over diapers (about 5) and knew with as bad as her butt was they wouldnt last us threw the healing. I couldnt use the diaper rash cream we had on her with our cloth diapers so I came up with the best option. "Tomorrow we start potty training" I said to my husband. He was going to be off work for a few more days so it seemed like the perfect time. We have not looked back since. Now she wears two cloth diapers a day. One for nap time and one for bedtime, otherwise she is naked from the waist down (while at home anyways). She has done very well so far. She doesnt even tell us she has to go, just goes and sits on her potty then jumps and says "I pee pee!" or in today's case "I poop poop!". And believe me that last one was a miracle. She has peed on our carpet a lot obviously and I have already steam cleaned our carpets once, but after about 4 or 5 days she mainly peed in the potty. Pooping however...it has been a fight since day one. Kid would sit and scream on the potty while she pooped. For some reason it freaked her out. She even held it some times until we put a diaper on her. She has also pooped on the floor...a lot and funny enough almost always on daddy's watch. The one time she did it on my watch I was in the kitchen. My husband goes crazy when she poops on the floor. He covers the "infected area" with cleaner then pulls out the steam cleaner and goes over the spot 20 times before he finally feels like it is safe her human contact again. I dont mind it, I just wish he would go that crazy when she poops in the potty. He dumps out the poop and doesnt even wash out the potty. Drives me mad. Anyways I was half asleep on the couch when I heard my dear sweet Monkey jump and say "I poop poop!" Thinking she peed and possibly passed some gas (making her think she pooped) I got up and looked. Sure enough she had pooped and peed all on her own. I was so happy. We went straight to the bathroom and flushed it all down the potty (she loves to flush). Not only was this a huge step for her, but it was also a wonderful relief to know she wasnt back tracking since yesterday she decided to only pee on the floor (which means I have to pull out the steam cleaner today). The day before she was in a pull up since we were out and about. She did wonderful, not one accident (until nap time). If I asked her if she needed to pee she would say yes and off to the potty we would go. She even told me once that she had to go. I was so very proud. I would like her to be in panties by Christmas ( as cute as her naked butt is I think she may need to have some type of coverage for being around family). I was planning on starting the panties training earlier this week, but now I think it will have to wait until next Friday. We just have too much going on with appointments. My kid is very smart and catches on so fast, so I think we'll be able to get the panties training down in no time (I pray anyways). We also tried to ditch one side of the railing on her crib...she fell out twice but that wasnt our problem. Our problem was her waking up at 7 (still being very tired) refusing to go back to bed and then only taking an hour nap when we knew she need 2 hours or more (since she got up so early in the morning). We put the railing back on and her naps have gone back to 2 hours and she is staying asleep til 8 unless daddy is too loud in the morning. Though I wish she would sleep til 9 like the old days, I am still thankfully to get my sleep back.
There is still much more I could write about but my belly is growling as I am sure Monkey's is too. I think we shall eat some lunch and then I will get to work on my pee stained carpets.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I am defeated.
I have never considered myself a failure until today. I have always thought that not only would there be a silver lining but that I had also tried my hardest at whatever it was I had done. Today however I do not feel this way. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I do not see how I have done my best at providing a good life for my child. All I see is failure. I can not see how to even fix this. Working isnt an option during the week since I have no one to watch my child for free. Leaving her alone with my broken husband on the weekends doesnt seem like a workable plan since he is not even suppose to lift her and is easy frustrated by her. It is not that I cant feed my daughter, or pay my pills. I can do both. I can provide food and shelter for her and her soon to be sister, but that is where the line is drawn. I can not provide clothes (though thankfully for now both of my girls will be clothed since one never seems to grow and the other will have her sisters baby clothes to wear), I can not provide toys, nor can I provide all the wants of a little girl. I can not give her the things that other children have and I can no longer ask for help. I can not face myself in the mirror if I ask for help again. Her grandparents should not be the ones who give her clothes and toys because her parents can not afford it. My daughter is the only reason for my being. She is everything to me and I can not imagine a world without her which only intensifies the fact that I can not give her everything she deserves.
I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks. I am sure that my husband has too. We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit. I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves. We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start. We thought everything would work out better here. Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much. My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work. He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant. He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over. Life is very stressful more so for me then him. He still has faith. Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending.
At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure. I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon. I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January. She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to. I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue. She is not my daughters provider. I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer. It is not a gift when it is needed. It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer. I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light. The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps. I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself. I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".
I am sure over my life time I have collected a number of bad karma marks. I am sure that my husband has too. We have both suffered threw a lot of hard times and endured more then our share of well for lack of a better word shit. I dont understand why after everything we have been threw we just keep being thrown back to the wolves. We thought moving to a new base with new people would give us both a nice fresh start. We thought everything would work out better here. Though we have meet a lot of wonderful people and been given a group of caring people, life has not changed much. My husband has spent more time at home on the couch unable to do anything then he has at work. He cant help me with things that use to be simple before my becoming pregnant. He cant lift our daughter and at the moment he cant even bend over. Life is very stressful more so for me then him. He still has faith. Something I wish I had, but I never see this ending.
At some point and time in the near future I will have to call my mother and tell her that I am a failure. I will have to tell her that despite being so close, we will not be coming home for any holiday any time soon. I will have to have her tell my sister (since I am too defeated to) that I will not be able to see her new baby when he is born in January. She will also have to tell her that I can not afford to buy her baby any of the things I was hoping to be able to. I will have to tell my mother not buy anything for either of my girls because it is not right for her to always be the one to come to my rescue. She is not my daughters provider. I am sure that most of this will hurt her feelings which only makes it all the more harder, but I will not accept it any longer. It is not a gift when it is needed. It is charity, and I can not accept it any longer. I will have to figure out how fix this on my own, though again I see no light. The only thing that has made me less in a crying mood is frequently checking on my daughter as she sleeps. I have been tempted a few times to pick her up and rock her, however I fear she would wake up and as much as I love rocking her, you wake that kid up in the middle of the night and you have just screwed yourself. I never understand it but she just seems to think "oh its play time even though its one in the morning and I am super tired".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)